philippians 4:6

was it easy for him to write that verse, God? did he have the peace of which he spoke?

thank You for my failure... for my struggle. i'm told that i must first embrace my problems, in gratitude, before i can begin to release them to Your work. that last past sounds right to me; the whole thing is what i'm trying to do.

my problem is, i stay up too late. 2a is a better time, for me, but it still wasn't early enough. please help me work on this, God, because i just missed class again. i am going to fail in many ways if i continue on this path.

please keep my feet from slipping; please be gracious to me as a student, especially in Dogterom's classes. let me find favor with you and with men, not because i'm good, but because You are.

please save me from my mistakes; please transform them into growth and learning and progress. please save me. i'll follow You, God.

amen.

confession

Christ,

you shouldn't be listening to me right now. or, if you are, you should be condemning me to hell, or at least some terrible life. maybe you already have? i don't know. i guess that would make you immanent, huh? doesn't work for me, then.

the reason you shouldn't like me right now is, i don't believe you care what i'm saying. i don't believe any of the words i'm saying really matter to you at all. i don't know why you told us to pray, but whatever the reason was, i don't think i like it very much. something tells me you're misleading me, or playing games with me like a scientist plays with mice in a lab.

Jesus, who are you? what are you doing, telling us to stand in this other world, this spiritual reality? do you expect us to just take it like a child would? seriously, we can't see it. and you're telling us it's more real than this world, that our breath really only comes because you're giving it to us.

absolutely preposterous. i don't believe it.

i wish that i could, though, and God, somehow i hope i can please You, even though i'm such an arrogant, blind scoffer. but what could You possibly hope to accomplish with someone so spiritually poor as me? what use have You for a heart hard as steel? do You even try, with people like me?

i've realized that i don't know You at all, and i don't know how to get to know You. i don't know how. please, please show me. i need to know You.

please.

amen.

hypocrisy

i don't believe You answer prayers. but i'm praying anyway. that makes me a hypocrite, right?

please bless this person with wisdom and maturity and understanding, because in my attempt to do so, i have largely failed.

amen.

i am Your enemy

my knowledge is great, but my faith is blasphemous.
my understanding reaches far, as my heart slowly dies.
my power grows, while my life shrivels.

i will depart from You now,
because You cannot know me.

mind's eye

it seems to be either blind, or getting there.

Jesus of Nazareth,

i know that you existed before all of creation. i know that you were born and raised in the Middle East, and that you proclaimed yourself Messiah, and that you lived and died doing the will of your father, God... Yahweh Himself. i believe in all of this, that what you spoke was truth.

what i don't understand is how your words and your spirit are life, Jesus. i can live without both! i can even succeed without both. why, i could even continue to make people feel special and valued, without your truth. i could continue to use my gifts, without you. i could have a good life, and make life good for others, as well.

this faith that i have... it drives me, but i don't understand it any longer. it's become a weight i carry every day, a depressing set of questions and doubts, instead of a light burden. i seem to be lost in darkness because of my faith in you! this is backwards! it would all be so much easier if i never had to think about spirituality. it would all be so much easier if i could simply subscribe to the naturalist viewpoint. everything would make so much more sense if you weren't here in my head.

you're dragging me down.

i'm just being honest. the lies aren't helping; i can't keep sweeping the dirt under the rug. i'm not even worried so much that other people would find out how lost i am; i've got a big enough problem knowing about it myself!!

i believe all this stuff, but it's like it makes no difference today! you might as well be ignoring the world. Christians follow you because of what they believe about you, not because you speak to them every day. these ideas they have, that's what drives the Christian faith. the Muslims are driven, right? the suicide bombers? who's more driven than that?! but that's obviously not your spirit leading them! so what the heck is your spirit doing?!

bad trees bear good fruit; the Godless live for God; Christians recite your words on television every day, but their voices are hollow and empty and false. everyone's faking it, God, and those who claim they aren't, are simply deceived. they're honest, but not truthful. i know what's really going on here.

your ideas are the true spirit of faith. if someone stamped them all out, that would be the end of Christianity.

as far as i can tell, God, Your Spirit isn't here. our consciences have taken over; our minds have taken over. our ideas and sub-cultural distinctives have taken over. there are no more miracles, no more spiritual experiences. it's all a bunch of chemicals in our brains. it's all the power of the mind.

we work Your will whether You speak it to us today, or not. what is there to a real faith? i used to think it was more than ideas. i've been struggling to find out how it can be more than that, but the more i search, the more disillusioned i become.

to say that you are in a person, Jesus... that's just a figment. it's an illusion. it's an illusion i'm trying desperately to prove true, but i'm failing. i'm failing so miserably.

this is how it is. if you're really watching all this, if you're inside my head right now, you know exactly what's going on. people tell me you're the sort who has a plan. well, i hope you're planning to save me, because i'm dying, and i have found no life in my own searches.

i've googled this for years, God, and after removing the irrelevant results, i'm down to zero.

i don't even know what i would take to change my mind, God. only You know that. i know You're there!! do something. from my perspective, You're completely disconnected from society.

please show Yourself again. i know You came once; i realize it made alot of difference. but i don't see it. i'm losing it all over again, God, this faith that i thought You had given me. why would You do this? and how can i ever go back? everything makes perfect sense without You here. i have no questions when You're gone.

i don't know what to pray for. it wouldn't even matter if i did, now that i know prayer is just a mind-trip, a game we play with ourselves thinking it's real. no more pretend, God... this is too much for me to handle. i will die unless this game ends, and what's left over will be someone else than who i've been and wanted to be.

this is where i'm at, and i know You're big enough, God enough. but frankly, i couldn't care less about the "what can You"s or "what are You"s.

i just want the answer to this:

"what are You doing?"

if the answer is "waiting," then so am i.

if there's more... then lay it on me.

i don't think i can ever stop waiting for You. i've come too far; it's too promising. i'm too close (yet so far).

i need to need You, and be satisfied. fulfilled. i'm missing something.

i am Yours; save me.

zeteo

Your reign, God... that is the kingdom of heaven. Your authority realized. 'but strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' in some ways i've done this, Father, but in other ways, not. please show me what these are so that i can strive even more. please grant me a greater craving for righteousness, that my life might please You more. show me how to make Your authority my first concern. make me Yours, Father.

amen.

echthros

in Matthew 5:43-48, You've told the believers of the first century to agapao enemies, and pray for those who persecute them. this was at a time when their own children were being taken away from them because of their faith. this was when the church was being tortured by the government.

i don't know how to relate. i wish i had someone persecuting me for my faith, so that i could pray for that person. You know who i'm thinking of, Lord... he doesn't bother me anymore. but neither does he worry me anymore. please give me the caring i need to pray for him genuinely, sincerely-- shape my heart so that i can Love him. he scoffs at my faith and my attempts to share it with him, and he takes every opportunity to spit acid at me. he doesn't hurt me, but he hurts himself.

please bless him with the right life-circumstances, so that he can come to life, and put to death the hatred and anger that control him sometimes. please convict him, and show him the error of his ways. please Love him, as You have Loved me, and let him be exposed to who You really are. draw him to You, Father, in a powerful and life-changing way. bless him with the Spirit's voice and touch, to redeem him.

i pray the same for her, because she can't seem to stand on her own. please bless her.

bless him as well, with conviction and Love and Your Spirit, to redeem every corner of his life.

thank You for hearing me and giving me work to do, God. You know how important it is to me, to be useful and to make a difference. i feel as though i'm not bearing any fruit. please prune me and discipline me, and make me fruitful.

amen.

life as a seed

Father...

i am happy, because i haven't followed the advice of the wicked, or taken the path that sinners tread, or sat in the seat of scoffers...
but how can i delight in Your law, meditating on it day and night?
i want to be like a tree planted by a stream of water, yielding fruit in my season, without withering leaves. i want to prosper in all i do.
i don't want to be like the wicked, the chaff that the wind drives away.
i know they won't stand in the judgment, nor will sinners, in the congregation of the righteous;
LORD, watch over the way of the righteous, but let the wicked perish.

i remember reading Proverbs almost every day, God, and not really understanding it, but liking it. i don't know if i was wise even before this, or not... but i would hope that i wasn't, because that would mean that i gained something by reading Your word. i want to believe that it is beneficial, even necessary for my spiritual life! and i know that my spiritual life is not just another compartment, another element of living, but the very source that i depend on for fulfilling my purpose and design.

and then there was the Love chapter; i would insert my name there and measure myself often, asking for help in treating others well. i meditated on that with not just my mind, but my prayers and my actions as well. i don't know how i would have turned out if i hadn't, but today people respond to me as if i were Loving them genuinely and intensely. is it because of who i am? maybe. is who i am because of who You are? probably. i hope so. i want it to be that way.

so tell me what to read next, Father... show me something to focus on, that i can feed on and grow by and measure myself with. i want to experience that again. i'm Yours to mold, if You will teach me how.

Holy Spirit, please be alive in me... don't leave me alone. don't sit still. please do something in me, even if i am not aware of it at the time. this is for Your glory and Your will.

do i really want that? yes... but i guess i also just want to be filled. i know i was meant for this; i know i'm not asking for something You didn't plan on giving anyway. at least, i hope not. everything i've read and been told says You want to fulfill us, not as Your primary concern, but as a purpose of Yours nonetheless. my experiences tell me otherwise. but i'm not even asking for that sort of filling right now. i'm asking You to make me a tree planted by a stream of water, like David said.

somehow, a full life and a heart/mind meditating on Your words go hand-in-hand. please show me how. if i could beg of You anything for this chapter of life, that would be it. that would be number one on my list. i want to want You, as Mick Stott might've said... it's a start. a restart.

i'll be waiting on You...

amen.

full

i'm afraid, because Your words have warned us throughout time to avoid pride and self-security. 'if you think you are standing firm, take care that you don't eat it.' these trips have been kairos for me almost every time.

i'm complacent and slightly depressed this morning, as i have been so many other mornings, and i'm not sure why. i don't understand how/why my heart and mind work this way. it's as if my spiritual appetite is gone when i wake up.

that's so lame... i don't know what to do about it. eating seems like a good idea and a bad idea at the same time. i guess i'll get to my homework.

i don't feel very grateful, God, but know that i wish i could. i wish my heart were full, so i could pour it out on Your feet.

thank You for not... resenting me, or getting rid of me. i know You wouldn't, but it's a scary thought nonetheless.

i'll wait for Your orders.

amen

dry

i hesitate to say that i need You, God, because i'm not sure what it means, and that means that i'm not sure it's true. but do You only give me what i need? what do i need in order to live well, by Your standards?

You know what i need. i wish i could have even a tiny sliver of Your wisdom. or maybe i just need You to sanctify what wisdom i already have.

please grant me what i need, Lord, my Provider. You know my intentions: i want to love and serve my friends, honor my parents, prepare for my future. be fully myself each day, as Kelly and Steven each encouraged me to do. help me, please... please grant me energy and confidence. please bless this next month, as You know there's so much going on, and God, i give it all to You. it all came from You to begin with!

flow into my life, i beg you. lead me from theology to doxology. make me a worshiper whose spirit takes after Yours.

i pray for Elizabeth, Rheanna, Jeni, Alex, Beckee, and other who aren't very close to me. i want to serve and love them too, if i may, even if we don't have as much in common as other friendships i have. build up in me a gracious and warm heart; train me to be gentle and kind. that's definitely something i'm not.

please teach me what it means to spend time with You in this life.

thank You for teaching me. i am learning and growing, slowly.

thank You, once again, for my amazing friends.

please bless Andrew, especially tomorrow at work and on the road, and help me to love him.

grant me enough heart to pour into others as graduation approaches. make my goodbyes meaningful as i honor the friendships that have grown this semester.

be pleased with my work tomorrow, and with my weekend as i spend time with family and friends. please make Eli's heart more and more open to and thirsty for spirituality, especially through music and close friends.

thank You for my parents, and my siblings.

please speak and listen through and with me as i interact with Lauren Mae, Brandon, Hannah, Ug, Eli, and everyone else... i want to bring more of Your heart and rule into this little corner of the world that i can influence. teach me to take things one piece, one step, one task, one focus at a time.

i want to love You somehow, God. i don't know how it's possible, but Christ, you've made that the most important thing in my life, so please teach me and shape me to do it. and help me to shape others in turn, for that same purpose.

You are my God, and my Ruler, and my Owner. i'm Yours. You inspire me with awe tonight as i consider Your name and Your nature. thank You, Father... thank You, Spirit, for hearing me and not abandoning me. i pray these blessings on Caleb and Evan as well.

amen.

taking after myself

my Lord and God,

i will go when and where You send me.
i will sing the songs You give me.
i will speak the words You speak to me.
i will play my own melodies, from the life You have planted and nurtured.

i will make the decisions You put before me, but i can't do that without a little help, Father. i need You not just to speak, but to work. something's in me that doesn't square with my life. what am i supposed to do!? have fun? enjoy myself? this is so ridiculous... lol come one!!! what's the point?

God, i am not just being weak, or unsure, or indecisive. You know me! You know me. look into my heart and convict me of not just sins, but flaws! if You find what i am looking for, please tell me. i want to decide truly and rightly.

i will wait on You. You will answer in Your own time, in Your own way, with Your own words. i will listen. and i'll say as much to those who wait on me, in turn.

thank You for every gift, for what music has done in me and through me. i don't want it to end, God, but neither do i want to supercede anything more important. i know i have a black and white way of arranging my priorities; i know that i see things sometimes too simply. show me the subtleties and nuances of what i'm doing, of what You're doing. i will watch. teach me.

what must be done? illumine my path, God... by my Light.

in Your Son's Soveriegn name
amen

You are God

i am so drained physically, that it's hard to focus. but i am content in the knowledge that You are. it seems to wrap up all of my existence so easily: You are God. and You are MY God. i am Your... Your what? i am part of Your plan, Your story, Your world, Your life.

i am Yours, like Luther said.

please revive me, Lord, i am so in need of it. i want to do well in the work You've given me to enjoy.

thank You for Nicole and Kelly. thanks for my friends at home, especially those in the midst of spiritual growth and/or awakening. thank You for ministry opportunities and dreams, and as always God, thank You so much for the music You've given us.

i look forward to You.

amen.

thank You

You gave me what i was searching for. i think. as soon as i begin to question it, it begins to fall apart, but this is enough for now. i know that when i seek You, i find answers, even if it's just me working through things. i was meant to use these faculties to find You, i think. i can find You now, even if i have trouble with believing that You are interacting with me in the present.

please help me. i need faith from You every day in order to be confident and energetic in my faith.

thank You.

amen.

overwhelmed

even though i'm overwhelmed, Father, i do feel hope, for some reason. i've been roller-coastering in that regard. some days i smile at the future; other days don't even want to think about it. tonight is sort of in-between.

but my emotions aren't even top of the list, are they? it's You i'm praying to, and it's You that all of me wants to serve... heart included. i can't seem to do anything about depression, except talk to You about it, so i hope You don't mind if i vent once in awhile.

thanks for Andrew and Micco, the guys from 6th floor, and my family at home. for my friends. for Brianne and Lauren Mae. for Clovis Christian. thank You for accepting my prayers of gratitude even when i don't feel very grateful.

i see myself right now as a tired failure, God, yesterday and today and tomorrow. please help me change... please help me not disappoint everyone... please help me to take care of the responsibilities i've accepted. please speak to me tomorrow, somehow, any-how!

i need You. this world needs You. kyrie eleison...

please help.

amen.

excuses

if i could go back to the days when You were my only worry, i would spend more time with You.

if i could just take less units, i could get better grades.

if i could just find more time and money, i could take music lessons.

if i could just get more sleep, i'd do better in life.

if i weren't so busy, i'd invest more of me into Your children.

if i could just commit to school wholeheartedlty, i could honor my parents.

if i could only hit rock bottom, i could do better in life.

if You would stop blessing me, i'd be more disciplined.

i hate my failure.

i need You.

amen.

solitude

Father,

perhaps it's simply time spent alone with You. or thinking that i'm with You. whichever it is. i'm not really sure; i doubt i'll ever remain consistent with that question/answer. and from what Tom C. and Henri N. taught me, how much time might be more important than the activity done during that time.

that might be it. it's like i don't need You anymore. in the early years, i needed you every night. i felt that need. it's different now. that's the contentment i was feeling last night. in part. that's probably the most significant thing i've discovered yet.

i have to change it, then. how can i make myself need You the way i used to? is that even right? would it be going backwards instead of progressing forwards?

i can't figure that out tonight. one step at a time, i guess.

thank You so much for my friends, and for growing me, and for music.

please help me get through my duties this week... be with heather A. as she lives life. help me find and make time for my priorities. i'm terrible at that.

amen.

sweet Holy Spirit

i hope You weren't offended by tonight's music. i'm so loving this experience.

maybe that's what's different. maybe it's that i'm happier now than i was before. is it weird that i would want to go back to that time?? li'l bit? i dunno. i don't understand myself, and i wish i had more of a drive to remedy that. i wish i were more self-intuitive. i understand some things, God, but there's so much more to know.

i'll talk to you on the way to the vending machines, and back.

thank You for my friends and family. i Love them.

amen.

plod on

Father,

thanks for music tonight... it was alot of fun. and i do see improvement. thank You. thank You for Micco and Andrew.

why can't i hunger for You like i used to? my heart burned back then. how does it come back? what must i do? i feel like this is already becoming routine. i don't really have anything to say... that's what it feels like, anyway.

maybe it's spiritual nostalgia. =)

anyway. God, if today is supposed to feel like yesterday did, please teach me and take me there. take me back. but if You are wanting something new, something different somehow, please take me there instead. show me how to thirst. please grant me thirst. please...

teach me to understand myself, so that i can live with You in mind. i want to desire You like David did. i want to obey You like Your prophets did. i want to serve You like Christ did. i want to walk with you like Adam did, but better.

goodnight, Father... i pray for Your awe, and Your peace. thank You for making this week more alive.

amen.

one more moment

spent with You. You're here, but not here... You're present, but hidden. You're in heaven, but in my life. i don't get it; i need it. somehow, i must learn what it is to seek and find, ask and be given it. knock, knock, Lord.

i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.

i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.

thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.

i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.

amen.

seeking You

it's as simple as that, God, yet still so mysterious. i'm exhausted, God, and i can't concentrate yet, so give me a minute... lol, like you did for Gideon...

alright.

i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.

thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.

tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.

thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.

i seek You still.

amen.

wretched and poor

Father, Hidden One

after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.

don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.

but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...

...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.

tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.

please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.

i am Yours; save me.

amen.

pathetic

Jesus, Lord, Father

i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.

i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.

i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.

maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!

why am i here?!

it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?

i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.

this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.

Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

amen.

a prophetic critique...

...of myself.

blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?

i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?

was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.

i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.

even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.

thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.

this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.

amen.

another one?!

i guess it makes sense that you can't just vomit once.

Father,

i have crap. what i've got isn't sufficient. i haven't made the cut. if you removed from me everything that's lame, i'd be nonexistent....

...except for Your Spirit, Your presence, Your work. God, i carry the weight of mishandled relationships (my mishandlings), like broken bones that have already set. maybe You'll have to break them again. maybe this is the next step towards the humility You've been constantly inviting me into in this chapter of my life.

God... i sit here convicted, pretty much ready to do anything. but who knows if that's even enough? who knows if i can Love my "ex-friends" the way i'm supposed to? who knows if this second wind i want to summon is strong enough to bend a blade of grass?

God, just guide me. i don't care if it hurts, or how low i have to bow. i'll squeeze my pride-fattened body (along with all the camels i've been leading around) right through the eye of a needle if it means getting into Your kingdom. or getting Your kingdom, Your authority, into me, i should say.

lastly, for now: thank You for google, God.

amen.

vomit

two months, 10 days. but i haven't been absent, and neither have You.

no doubt about blessings, God, like Molly and Nancy and Jackie and Jeremy and Jesse and Daniel and Timothy and Andrew P. and Rybarczyk and Morgan and Heuser and Austring and others, near and far. and what about a room of my own, textbooks, money, this laptop, movies, and wisdom? so much to be thankful for, God, it blows me away.

and still these fears: of failure at my job, and in class, and in relationships. in life, really, Father. my fault, isn't it? what can i do now but jump the gap and suffer the consequences? it seems just like BINT270 last semester. i just should have jumped earlier. no more lolly-gagging. it's too hard, scrambling along behind, getting further and further from my goals the more i reach for them.

thank You for already helping me through these few weeks. i am so certain of Your hand in my story. i need to focus on others, but i feel like You and i have work to do before i can fully do that.

i need help, God... with handling Heather, with catching up in classes, with getting that job that i'm so worried about now because of my procrastination. i've got to go to class now, but... i'll be back later.

thanks for rest. and for last night.

stay with me, Father...
amen.

one month

God,

summer's almost gone. i think i need it to be over soon, otherwise things won't go the way they are supposed to, inside me.

thank you for the fun... You're convincing me that it's okay to enjoy myself. gradually, You're doing it.

please prepare tonight's meeting, Holy Spirit. prepare people for it, and make it holy and passionate and deep. use what we give You to bring Your kingdom more fully and visibly to our lives, and to the lives of those around us.

please comfort the hurting, especially my female friends who don't know how to deal with the pain. give them You to live for.

forgive me for my anger.

You were awesome at camp that morning, God. i've never seen or heard of or felt anyone like You before. You are what i need most deeply and most desperately.

please be with me.

amen.

someday we'll know

the song's stuck in my head, Father. I don't even know that I'm touched much by the lyrics. it's jus the music. it resonates in me.

Your creation is beautiful, God. I've seen that it is good, and I haven't even spent much time outside the once-agricultural town of Fresno. I love the music, the light and shadow, the way the wind feels and sounds. it's all real, all natural, all supernatural. creation is becoming more to me than a setting. it's a driving force of story. is reality an element of story, or the other way around?

new thoughts... all this creation going on is so chaotic at the moment. new relationships, new mindsets, new theologies, new songs, new me. it doesn't feel good, not knowing myself as well. there's less time alone, and because of that, I'm losing alot of my identity. where are You taking me? what's going to happen there?

in my story, I am walking away from my mercenary life, diving into the identity of Your servant. I have a sword, a healing kit, a flute, and my voice. I have books in a large satchel. I have a letter of recommendation with Your seal on it. I am working under another of Your servants, who directs me and keeps me responsible. I work with others who share in Your purpose and vision.

my current quests: keeping track of the fields we're planting seeds in, preparing a new kind of seed, and finding transportation for those who wish to follow You. this is good work that You've given me. I feel relevant.

I don't understand some of what my dialogical mentors are saying. I need Your help to form the right mindset, so that I can be the person You want me to be. something warns me at each new thought I come across. I don't want to be wrong. maybe I don't want to be entirely right, either... but I want to have good thoughts.

everything I think is tainted by how I think. it's twisted. interpreted. how can I have Your mind, God? where can I find wisdom and insight? I long for it, long for understanding. please bless me, God, so that I can reflect the light to shine on the minds of others, freeing them from questions that may be keeping them from following You. You have used others to bless me in this way, some of them younger and less experienced than me. I ask that You bless those around me, God, lest they not experience You as fully as possible.

am I important? can I even answer that question without being wrong? if I say yes, is that bad? or if I say no?

I'll always have questions, God. I hope to always have gratefulness and praise in me, as well, though I know that may be too close to heaven for this current chapter. oh, well. I'm following You, God. some questions are vital, even granting and enabling life.

lead me, God, and in Your grace, save me. I am still Yours.

thank You

I bow before You, God, so low that I almost sink back into the dust I came from.

I am nothing
yet You bid me
come to You
Lord Almighty

You see the depths of my heart, God, and so I know You see the passion that You put there. You know all my hopes and dreams, and how ridiculously, seriously difficult it is to pursue them with confidence. You know all the obstacles in my way and in me, and You see the answer to my every question even before I ask them. In fact, God, here are my requests, which You have already planned how to respond to:

• teach me how to Love Alexa
• teach me discipline in my daily life
• teach me how to know Your voice
• teach me how to grow in You
• teach me how to be with You
• teach me how to trust You
• teach me how to teach others

Teach me everything You are, God, so that I can reflect you brightly. That is my purpose. I Love serving You. Your passions are the greatest!!! God, I want them, desperately. I want Your wisdom and guidance. The meaning of my life depends more on You than on my own existence.

God, please do not let me be crippled by Your enemies. Grow my strength as I persevere through pain and suffering and struggles of all kinds, but do not let Your purpose be hindered by these Goliaths. Protect Your chosen people, Your beloved, from the invasion of evil, Godless causes. Do not let me be defeated by those who oppose You. Glorify Your name in the world around me by everything that You and I do. Help me to help others, unfazed by attacks of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical natures. Do whatever it is that will accomplish Your goals, because those goals are also mine.

Thank You for tonight, for reminding me of who I am and who I should be.

Thanks for friends.

Please give me yet another second chance at diligence rewarded.

You are amazing, I love You, I Love You, I LOVE You.

Please forgive me, God. I have messed up so many times, please don't punish others or hold back Your grace because of anything I've done or failed to do. God, be alive in me, and give me another chance to dance to Your wondrously gorgeous Song.

Be with me always, God, tomorrow and every day after that. Please don't ever leave me. I Love You.

I don't want to say amen. I'm not done being with You.

It is not finished.

so i wait patiently

wait until when?

God,

thanks for a great night. i'm still trying to learn how to behave, sort of, but it was a great night anyway. thank You. alot. please make Yourself real in Lexi's life. use me, please.

thank You for Jolynn, and all my other great friends. please help me rest tonight, and help me with my to-do list. gather my scattered thoughts and keep them in the 'from Isaiah' box.

hey God, i'm really excited about this whole warrior idea. please teach me more, if it is the truth, and if it is, then help me see and experience and realize that. i really love the idea of it.

God, whatever and whoever is happening to Llaura, i pray against it. so much wonderful stuff was hers, God, and now it seems like she's been claimed as a plaything for chaos. God, please begin to rescue and restore her, and give her new life. don't just lead her to good influences... lead her to repentance, and the incredible changes that You can effect in the life of one of Your children when they seek and find You.

please continue to redirect my reasons for being alive.

amen.

all that long

it hasn't been all that long, God. please forgive my voice, now. it's different, I know. it used to be that i spoke nothing but my meaning, and nothing was hidden. it used to be that i spoke plainly, without embellishment, eloquence, or fancy styles. i don't like how i am now. i like how i was, straight with You, direct with You.

today, i got to class on time, took care of some stuff on my list, enjoyed the tutoring (and the frap), and did fairly well on that OT exam. (thanks for the help.) it is always alot of fun talking to Brandon. thank You for such an awesome friend.

thank You for this song, "she's you." i love it, and everyone else is enjoying it, too. thanks for the poem, too... "you." i have yet to see if it's good. =)

i'm sorry i left You alone. it used to be that i came to You every day. now i pray to You once a month, and what is that?! i can't even remember to capitalize You! so easy to lowercase myself, though.

i have questions, God, such profound and deep questions... but it's like i said. when i think You're crazy, You're a genius. when i think You're silent, You're writing me a song to blow away every song before it. You're romantic like that, i guess.

i want to do this more.

when can i see You again?

i feel like my prayers are firmer on the screen. i publish, and it goes to Your inbox, and You're like, "hey, mail from My son!" who only mails you once a month. geez. more, God... more. show me what it is to be with You, and what it does.

please take Llaura into Your hands, and remind me that i'm in Yours, as well. please teach me a faith that is stronger. thank You for blessing Evan; bless him still more, God.

and my dreams for the summer? i pray that they are Yours as well.

thank You.

amen

desires

Father,

I want something I had, something I cannot have, something You gave, something only You can give again. I want it. I have to stop lying. I'm pursuing it, God, in my heart and in my mind, and sometimes in my words.

If this desire is not something I should have right now, then I pray that You would show me that. God, send me some sign that I am on the right track, or if not, then shake this out of me. It is deep, God... and its roots are strong. You'll have to break me harder if it's really going to leave. But I'm asking You to do what You will with me!

You've stirred in me a fire, and a passion. I can neither explain nor contain either one. You have held me and broken me, and You are molding and making me more and more like You (slowly). I want to Love You, to fear You, to draw ever nearer as I worship You. It's what I've come for.

(Thank You for music.)

God, please...! Either I'm doing nothing wrong in this, or there is something I can do better. Please tell me which is true. I want Your will more than I want mine. Llaura is so beautiful, God... every aspect of her draws me. You brought us together! You created something divine, and we were only along for the ride, God.

I know I failed. I did not nurture her as I should have. I take responsibility for my actions, God, both the things I failed to do and the things I did that were unloving. But, God... what is this for?

You know what scares me the most? I am so afraid that she will not heal. I am afraid her heart's been re-shaped, past the point of restoration. I know You can always lead her back to You, God, but what about me? What is going to happen to our relationship? Will we be together again? She says we won't, but she's said many things...

You've said I should Love her. I know that. You've taught me how, God, and You're still teaching me. You wanted me to do this. You were happy for us. It was Your plan all along. Now I am shivering and chattering on that cold, dark train platform.

I will not preach to myself a sermon with no basis. Things do not always happen like they did in similar situations prior. Yet I hold on to stories like Hosea's, and mine. When I think You're crazy, you're actually a genius. When I think there is no hope for healing, You not only heal, you upgrade, just like Your Word said. When I think You are silent, You are weaving a beautiful, moving message for me.

Please weave me a message tomorrow. I love hearing You speak.

Amen.

vision

God,

Your vision is EPIC. I love it. please teach me more, and give me momentum. i want to take this back to my emerging church, God. please prepare the hearts and minds of Your children at clovis Christian for the incredible work You have planned for them.

thank You for being with me, and for Your patience.

amen.

a beggar's pleas

Father,

i cannot shake these feelings. i sing, but my heart still bleeds. i cry for healing. i cry for You to save me. i don't like this, God. i HATE IT.

I HATE THIS FEELING.

I HATE BEING FAR APART.

I HATE WHAT SHE'S DOING TO ME.

I LOVE HER ANYWAY.

SHE IS SELFISH AND BLIND.

no matter what i do or think or feel, nothing changes. i don't want to be pitiful anymore. i'm groveling, God, and it is humiliating. i don't know if humbling and humiliating are the same thing.

if this is part of Your plan to restore us, God, please tell me. please tell me i'm going to come out of this. please tell me Llaura is going to come to her senses. please give me a reason to keep going. please stop the pain.

please forgive my mistakes, and reward my perseverance.

i love talking to You.

amen.

giver

God,

You like to give gifts. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no shadow or variation due to change.

You once gave me a very precious gift. I'd say it's one of the three best gifts you give in this life. Then You allowed it to be taken away. Now I have a rock.

And I feel like throwing it.

But if there is a gem hidden inside, please give me the strength to break it open, or else You break it open for me. I am so tired and hurting. I need You, God, because You're the only One with the authority to change this. You have the access codes, the connections, the know-how... everything is Yours, God.

Please grant me a glimpse of Llaura's heart, and let me know if she still has any feeling for me, and if there is any hope for the two of us, romantically. I am tired, God. I cannot do anything unless and until You do.

I will wait for as long as I have to, God, but if my hope is in vain, please tell me.

I believe in Your Love, and I believe You know exactly why You're allowing this to happen. I know You have a reason for it. I know that that reason is the best reason there could be, because You are God, and You understand.

I know that I have little faith, but God, look at my Love, and judge me. By the law of grace and mercy, which was brought by Your Son a little while ago, judge me and see if I have not been faithful to Llaura. Try me, test me, and approve me, because I have Loved her like no other guy has. I have devoted myself to You and to her, and though I've made mistakes, I've repented of them, and striven to always glorify You with our relationship. I have worked so hard, hurt so much, sacrificed for so long... God, You know me! You know all this!

Please reward Your beLoved, Isaiah, and do not turn Him away from You. He asks for a seed, God, and asks that You would make it grow as he tries to water it.

I am Your slave, God, but also Your heir. I ask these things humbly, yet with the utmost passion and confidence that You will not deal falsely with me.

Thank You for listening, Almighty One...

Amen.

words?

God,

i feel like there's nothing to say. but i wanted to talk to You anyway.

okay, now i've got it. Llaura is scaring me, over and over again. She's hurting me. She's sinning against me. i want to forgive her, but she won't acknowledge that she did anything wrong, or even talk about what's wrong. This is all wrong, God... i know You see what's happening!

i know you Love me. i know You Love her. i know You wanted us to be together, and i cannot fathom why You are not acting! here i sit, slowly boiling to death, holding on to Your promises and some secular hope for a restored relationship, while You, the Great Physician, do apparently nothing.

why will You not save me, God? why will You not soften her heart, convict her, and restore us? what are You doing to me?

i want to trust You, God. show me something of You... please.

i ask for this in Your name,
as Your child and servant
Amen.

^_^

God,

I'm excited to soak in Your Word. Please bless my efforts in that class.

Isaiah

sorry

Father,

i'm sorry. it's easy to lose focus. i'm trying again tomorrow morning. i want to Love You. please bless Llaura and Alexa and Alissa and Lisa, and my family and friends.

thank You for being my Father.

amen

questions

God, Great Mystery,

are You more interested in my company, or my discipline? should i be focused more on growing and learning, or on being with You? if i am to glorify You, don't i have to come to a deeper understanding and discipline? but i am trying, and i feel like it's impossible. i feel like i'm being held back a grade, because i missed something fundamental.

i am missing something fundamental. that's what it seems like. i mean, i've been learning things and all, but i don't feel like i'm a better person. i don't feel like i'm growing in my faith. maybe i should chart my growth?

i'm definitely more concerned with Your will than i was a few years ago. i think i am understanding the characteristics of Love better, even if i haven't Loved very well. i've discovered things about the importance of community, and what You are, and i better understand the nature of my humanity. i learn the same things over and over, through different situations. i have made some improvements.

but i feel like i need to be fixed. i thought that feeling was supposed to be taken care of when i was made new. when You brought my soul back to Life, wasn't that supposed to change something? the biggest difference is how strongly i believe in You.

and where are You, God? which things are from You, and which are not? how do You move today? how do i tell the difference between a good feeling and a moving of the Spirit? how do i discern good thoughts from God thoughts?

is it Scripture, only? or other things, too? why do i feel like i don't understand Scripture? sometimes i think the heavens open, and other times i feel like i'm only half-conscious.

okay, here's a thought: usually i read the bible as if doing homework. every day i go to class (devoted life 101) and get questions wrong and fail tests, and sometimes say or do something that makes You smile. i like gold stars. but then i leave You, and go somewhere alone and try to understand Your words. maybe i should be calling the Professor and asking for help with the material. i don't think i can understand anything very well without Your help.

so here goes.

guilt

Father,

i feel guilty about not doing well on the VU Theatre project.

i feel guilty about not going through this stack of papers on my desk.

i feel guilty about not going to the bank to get book money.

i feel guilty about not e-mailing Amy about the world civ text.

i feel guilty about doing nothing to glorify You today.

i feel guilty about having fun with blogs and music and movies.

i feel guilty about spending all my time entertaining myself.

i feel guilty about not enjoying You like i want/should.

i feel guilty about hanging up on Llaura the other night.

i feel guilty about putting her picture on my wall.

i feel guilty about not being a good friend to my good friends.

i feel guilty about slacking off spiritually.

i feel guilty about not doing anything about my problems.

i feel guilty about taking only 12 units this semester.

i feel guilty about not doing much work for Ug.

i feel guilty about not worshipping You in spirit.



i am so messed up.

i think i can't possibly get deep into Your Words.

i think i can't understand what You are saying.

i think i can't hear Your voice.

i think i can't see You leading me.



i wonder if it's all my fault.

i wonder if i can change.

i wonder if it's my job to change me.

i want to fall in Love with You, God. i told You that yesterday, huh? it's still true. please help me.

please show me how to treat Llaura in the here and now.

amen.

thoughts

God,

right now, i just need to give You my thoughts.

this road... i don't know where it leads, and i don't know if You're leading me down it. last night i thought You were, but now i'm doubting. if i do this, if i walk this path, it means i am giving up everything i want for myself, and possibly gaining whatever You want. how can i give up my strongest desires for a possibility?

what if i'm wrong? will You correct me? if i go this way, and it's not what You want, will you stop me? what if this is a misleading?

how do i know where Your'e going? i am searching for You right now, God, and i want to find you. You said that if i seek, i find. if i knock, the door opens. if i ask, You give it to me.

in Your name, i am asking this: guide me as i move forward. i am moving into a dark, dense fog, where only You can guide me. You guided your people in the form of a cloud, or a fire, or sometimes an audible voice. You talked to Samuel, and Moses, and Abraham, and Jacob, and Job, and many people in the New Testament (through Jesus). now we have Your Holy Spirit, and i need to recognize His voice if i am to follow it.

so now my prayer is that You would help me recognize Your voice, among the many other voices. i need to recognize Your voice. please grant me this request, so that i can glorify You. it's what my soul wants and needs, and it's what You want and need.

if nothing else, God- if you strike me deaf- at least don't strike me blind. let me see You so that i can follow You wherever You go.

this feeling is growing strong again. i will follow it.

Lord, please calm my fears and ease my pain. she is scaring me, and hurting me. please ease my pain and strengthen (renew) my committment to her, and to You.

thank You, God.

amen.

honesty

Father,

today it seems as though i have no spirituality. my heart is cold and selfish, and my soul is sleeping. i pray that You grant me time to sleep, the ability to accomplish the day's goals, and a spirit of Love towards You and others.

please grant Llaura these things, also. i Love her. please talk to her. please speak Your kingdom life, Your Word, into her reality.

if there is anything specific i am supposed to do in that situation, please tell me. i will make time to listen.

amen.

my third wish

God,

can i please change my wishes?

here they are:

1) i wish for wisdom, the kind that discerns You from everything else

2) i wish for more life-changing Love (is that two wishes?)

3) i wish for humility

amen.

my second wish

God, my second wish would be to recognize Your One voice amidst the many. thank You.

wronged

YAHWEH

You know exactly how i feel, because You went through it, Yourself. You had a covenant promise with Israel, and they betrayed it. They worshipped other gods, because they got tired of waiting or they didn't like Your style or they forgot about You. The most prevalent analogy for them in the Old Testament is that of a bride. Therefore, when they sinned like that, the analogy was adultery/promiscuity.

i know that You know how it feels to be sinned against like that. That knowledge helps, some. i'm not worthy of worship; that's not what i am implying. i only mean to say that i've been betrayed by someone who had a covenant with me. she had her reasons- i was becoming unattractive, another guy was becoming attractive, whatever- but there is no justification for something like that. Excuses, yes. Reasons, the reasonable kind? No.

So this morning i woke up and thought about how sleepy i was, and how angry at myself i was for staying up late, and only giving myself four hours of sleep, and i was reminded of Llaura, as tends to happen daily. i still feel wronged. i cannot get that mental vomit feeling out of me. i am not holding a grudge. i am not unwilling to forgive, but... God, she won't even admit what she did! She says she's sorry for hurting me. That's not an apology; that's the admission of a feeling. Who knows if the feeling is guilt, and if it is, what is she feeling guilty about?

i want to forgive her, God. i don't want this wronged feeling anymore. Can You take it away? Is it possible that it could just vanish at Your command, even without an apology from her? It doesn't seem right, yet it seems the only option. How can i possibly forgive her when she has so much selfishness and pride?

i know that You died for our forgiveness, but i'm not really sure where the forgiveness part comes in. Did You forgive everyone when You were on the cross, or did that only make it possible for You to forgive us? i mean, do You forgive people before they ask for forgiveness? i don't think You do. i'm not certain, but what i've been taught and what i've seen says You don't forgive someone until they ask You to.

But You're always ready and waiting, so that's what i'll be. i guess this is just another matter of patience, faith, hope, and love. i have to wait for her, some more.

Well, she's been patient with me, before. She only waited a few months before secretly ending the relationship, but i will not make the same mistakes she did. Maybe this is a test for me. Maybe this is a test, to see how much i love her.

i've studied, God. i'm ready for this one. It's going to require a little heaven on earth, in the form of divine patience on my part, but i know that You will enable me to do it.

It makes sense that this would be a test. That will probably be my foremost thought for awhile. i wish i could know if my inductive reasoning is worth putting faith in, in these kinds of situations.

So i've professed to Love Llaura, and now You're going to use this whole thing to call me on it. This is to see that i wasn't bluffing when i said "forever." This is my Isaac.

It was never recorded, but i think Abraham asked (in his own mind, of course), "Why in the world would God ask me to sacrifice my own son?! Lord, You gave him to me, and now you're asking me to kill him?!" But You didn't kill him. Your angel stopped Abraham before any damage had been done. That was a test of Abraham's faith, and he passed. i want to pass, too.

i will pass.

i guess i feel betrayed by You as well, God, but that feeling will hopefully fade as i get to know You better. Already, the thought of You betraying me goes completely against my theology.

Please help me transfer my theology from my head, to my heart, to my life.

Amen.

who am i, that You listen?

Father, you know that I am learning to Love you with my life. my feelings change often... i feel bad about that. i'm feeling some of that religious obligation creeping in, and to be honest, right now i am feeling comfortable with my concept of You.

i don't want that. please challenge and stretch me theologically, spiritually, and teach me some new stuff. i want to learn, and i want to live what i learn, and i know You have the wisdom i need and crave so desperately. please grant me that wisdom, in school, in friendships, in telling Your story (thanks for Sadopa!), and in my relationship with Llaura (my romance).

tomorrow is a question mark, and i have alot of worries, but i know You're faithful. please be gracious to me, and bless my feeble efforts. teach me how to work hard. i want to learn that, i really want to learn that, this semester, and for the rest of my life. please grant me a job, so that i can learn to be more independent from other people and more dependent on You, the source of everything i have and enjoy in life.

please work Your miracles in Llaura's life, for Your name's sake and for her sake and for our relationship's sake.

please bless her family, Alissa and Lisa and Dave especially, with some new guidance. please restore their lives, and teach them to live the lives You give them within the context of Your coming kingdom.

please enable me to do well in my classes, especially my theology classes.

please teach me True Llllove.

thank You for what You've done, recently and in the distant past. i know You're the way, God. please prod me when i become complacent. please show me the value of Your words.

please reveal to me whatever it is i need to do next. please give me that next step.

please help me to be patient. i want to be patient, waiting on You and on others.

thank You for listening, and for granting my requests, for giving me everything i need, and for being a God of second chances and ridiculous patience.

amen.

miracles

God,

i guess sometimes Your miracles are like fireworks, and other times they're like glitches in the Matrix. this one was the glitch kind, except when You change stuff it's a good change, like working out a bug in reality. it was pretty subtle. You actually did alot of cool stuff, so it was lots of fixed glitches, but they were hard to see from that train platform. it was very dark.

in a way, it's still very dark. but having come through darkness before, i trust You to lead me out of this valley. i'm really wondering where You're taking me, though. i know it's a green pasture with still waters, but... what was wrong with the green pastures and still waters of yesterday?

i think that's a faithless, disrepectful question, but i have to be honest here, God. i can't pretend i'm genetically holy or something. truthfully: i doubt that what You are leading me into is going to be as good, let alone better, than what i had before. i know You give and take away, but i don't like that You took this away.

and there's that thought that it wasn't You at all, but if it was You who gave it, wasn't it You who took it away? and why can't i have it? why am i so selfish?

i want her to be happy, but i also want what's "fair" for me. i feel like i missed the sermon on this one, but... God, it all feels wrong. i wish i could say i knew it was. all i know right now is that You're in charge, and You don't seem to be helping the situation.

i've been telling people that they can't see God unless they look for Him. i've been looking for good signs, and i don't see any. i'm looking really hard.

this is what's happening: Llaura is totally shutting me out. she won't be honest, or open, and even though she says she trusts me, she won't tell me what You've been up to in her life. i know that that's the most important factor, here. why won't she tell me? just because she isn't close to me doesn't mean i'm far from her. and i never betrayed her trust, in any way, so that's not the reason, but... God, it hurt so much to hear that she wasn't comfortable sharing it.

she made the choice to give up. God, what are You doing???

thanks for the entire Vanguard experience. i love it here.

i am waiting, God. i am still waiting for You. but how can i know that You're in control of the situation? how can i know that You'll lead us back together? what will happen if You don't? am i supposed to live with this pain forever? are You going to keep that spider strand from breaking, only to let me roast over that lake of fire?

i am so faithless, God. i don't think i even have that mustard seed. all i have is this feeble, human, mortal hope that she'll come back, that she'll change her mind. i don't know what to feel or think or say or do. help me. please.

amen.

beginnings

Father,

most amateur intellectuals and philosophers are familiar with this concept. sometimes what seems like an end is really a beginning, and vice versa. well, tomorrow is the end of my break, and the beginning of my workload.

sometime in the past few months was the end of Llaura's romantic involvement with me. when the break was revealed to me, that was the beginning of a new phase in my walk with You. i Love being guided and comforted by You, God, but part of me is still saying that all this could have been accomplished just as well if Llaura had not treated me the way she did. i don't know. it's foolish to reverse-predict alternative futures, i guess, when each moment has the potential to begin leading a person down one of a thousand different roads.

these are my thoughts, God, and though they may not be spiritual or Right or wise, they are honest and sincere.

i believe it was wrong for Llaura to pursue Jeremiah instead of me, and i believe that we would still have a committed Rrrrelationship if she had not made that choice. i believe that her act of shutting down communication between us was also wrong, and that many problems would have been solved if she had not broken away from me in that way.

i've already told You and Llaura both how sorry & repentant i am concerning my foolish habits, and twisted perception of sacrifice, and plain old pride. i have changed; You know that, God. You see inside me. You've watched my heart and my mind and my actions, and sustained all three. i know it's been You at work this past month, God. i am grateful and awed and inspired by You.

but at the same time, i feel like i'm being jacked by You. i had faith, and hope, and Love for Llaura and i. i never gave up. i haven't given up yet. she says there's still a seed of hope. it's like torture, God, like having my heart suspended by a spiderweb over a lake of fire. i am so desparate for Your miracle, God. i know You have miraculous things planned, because You're the kind of God who really enjoys miracles. You love to transcend mere possiblities. i've seen You do amazing things before, things only You can do.

please do this one thing, God. restore Llaura's Llllove for me. please.

nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done. above everything else, God, Your plan, Your way, and Your desires. it just seems to me like this would be Your desire as well as mine.

i can't believe that Llaura is in a better position now, than she could have been had You continued to teach us Love together.

if a cord of three strands is not easily broken, does that mean it's not easily mended, either?

i am so ready to begin again, God. please help me to be patient as i wait for Your move.

and it is truly Your move, God, for i am only a distant voice to her, now. she hides inside her fortress of fear, doubt, confusion, and You know what else. God, please humble me even more than You have, as i follow Your lead in this situation. i'm following Your lead. please restrain my hand when i am too jumpy, and urge me forward when it comes time to speak out or act.

and for Llaura, God, i pray that You bless her in surprising and exciting and intense ways. create a new spirit in her that knows Your voice, and follows it faithfully. please mold her and make her pleasing to You, just as You're currently doing with me. please tell me if there's anything i can do for her.

i Love You, Dad.

amen.

intercession

God,

i'm still praying for her.

first and foremost, God, i pray that You would restore Your relationship with her. that's the most important thing. she said she had been starving for that worship on Sunday. she said she would really appreciate it if i kept her accountable. i will still do that...

...but that doesn't really jive with the letter i wrote her.

i can't abandon her. i can't leave her.

but don't i have to? look what she's doing to me! how can i accomplish anything underneath this weight? isn't this relationship unhealthy enough that i should be getting out of it? but what kind of friend deserts the friend he professes to Love?

or, i could say it this way: how many cheeks and cloaks do i have left? how many miles left on this road?

okay, God... if rationale and reasoning can help me at all, please clear my mind right now. i am being hurt daily, moment by moment, by the attitude and actions of Llaura. i am willing to endure all this pain, but only if there's a purpose. there has to be a good reason for what i'm doing.

if i leave her now, it will benefit me, and it will be what she wants. but she sad she doesn't want me to leave. but everything she's doing says she would rather not be with me in any way. what do You want, God?

You want us to live in community.

is this a 1 step back, 2 steps forward thing? this is supposed to be all about Your glory, or so i'm told. how are You being glorified, except by my time with You?

You think i will not be as close to You if You let her heart soften for me.

You're preparing me for something.

i wish i knew what You were doing in her life, and how. i'd like to help, not hinder that. maybe You want me to re-commit to You. You don't want this to be a fling. You know i'll always come back, but You don't want me to leave, because You Love me.

alright, God. i don't like the bargaining feel of this, but i know i'm making the right decision, at least, and if You're trying to teach me to commit to You in good and bad times, then this is what You want. i will make a new commitment, to speak with You about everything, including anything that draws my attention or time or energy. it'll be like a journal that You can read, i which i am completely open and honest about everything.

i will also commit to hearing Your voice. in good times, i'll look for ways to spread Your name around, accomplish Your goals, and pretty much find uses for my time and thought and energy that will please You.

i will commit to worshipping You with my own voice, as well as leading others to do so. i'll need Your Spirit every step of that path, God.

one of the heaviest weights in my life right now is my laziness. i'm a sluggard; a fool for sleep and rest and just enjoying the company of my self and my comforts. i do my playing first and my work last. forgive me, God, though i don't deserve it, and please help me change. help me be like the ant, Father.

this was supposed to be about You and Llaura. here's my biggest request yet, God:

draw her to You.

draw her close enough to smell Your perfume, close enough to taste Your goodness, close enough to hear Your whispers, close enough to touch Your scars, close enough to see Your tears.

and then, God, make her like You. transform her mind, and her heart, and her soul, to magnify and reflect the essnce of You. show her Life, Love, Laughter, Celebration, Healing, Joy, Peace, and all those things that You are.

may my words be only a conduit for Your message to her.

may Your guidance come to Llaura in a very firm and gentle way.

please touch her, and do something powerfully life-changing inside her.

please prepare her for the next step, whatever that may be.

i trust You, God, for Your miracles are wonderful, too wonderful for me to predict or understand. i have faith that Your work is always Masterwork. please don't leave Llaura in her faithless state.

please teach her, and me, and correct us where we're wrong.

i Love You, God. forgive me for not pursuing You like this before, and deepen the hunger and thirst even more, because for You, God, the hunger feels good.

the hunger IS good.

You're... the Perfect One, God. i'm sorry i don't have better words.

please draw her to You tomorrow, and the next day.

take over me, so that i can be You to her.

amen.

waiting

if i wait on the Lord, i'll renew my strength. i'll rise up like an eagle. i'll run without tiring, i'll walk and not grow faint.

what do You mean, God? wait on You? how? i feel like patience is the loftiest goal i could strive for right now. it seems impossible. i don't know what to do. tell me what to do. tell me how to do it. tell me where i need to go and when. i'm pulled in so many different directions by so many things. there is too much to deal with. i am tired.

too much pain. too long to wait for who knows what, or why. too far away to catch up. too far behind to stop. too much, God, it's too much. i can't handle it.

i have to let You. please do something. i'm waiting.

my self

perhaps i am the most confusing.

God, i need to know if this is right. she seems to neither need me nor want me anymore. there is a deep, heavy feeling of wrong-ness about it all, which is why i have to do something, which is why i need to know if doing nothing can possibly accomplish anything.

please tell me what to do.

Love,
Isaiah

standing in the gap

Father,

My weaknesses, my shortcomings, my faults, my mistakes, my flaws, and my emptiness... they are all covered or filled or strengthened by You. i am a grain of sand standing before the sun when i come to You in prayer, yet instead of disintegrating, i am brought to life by You. i shine brightly when you rub away the dirt, and i pray that You do so tonight, and tomorrow, and the rest of this week as i try to reflect You into a small, specific corner of this world, a place on Mitchell street, where three people whom You love to death are now sleeping.

Your children, Lisa and Llaura and Alissa, need You, as i do, as we all do. i pray for them now. i pray that their spiritual wisdom will increase, and that the depths of their being will be filled by Your Holy Spirit, Who is active and powerful and willing to transform.

Romans 15:4 ~ For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, so that by steadfastness and by the encouragement of the scriptures we might have hope.

i pray that they will seek guidance from Your word. Just as so many others have done, i pray that they, too, will find direction in Your words, which are relevant yesterday and today and tomorrow. i pray also that You will help me to encourage them to do this.

Proverbs 3:6 ~ In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

God, may they also see that You are to be honored. i pray that they will think of You in the morning, and ask You how they can please you with their days & moments. i pray that they will be reminded of You in all their endeavors, and seek to make their work Yours instead of theirs.

Isaiah 26:9 ~ My soul yearns for you in the night, my spirit within me earnestly seeks you. For when your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.

i believe that Christ is our righteousness, God. Please plant in these three daughters a hunger and thirst for righteousness. Give them a will to discern between right and wrong, good and bad, in every word they speak and how they speak it. Show them what it is to live uprightly, loving You and loving others, and help me to encourage them to do this.

1 John 5:2 ~ By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments.

Father, numerous times in Your story, You have shown the importance of obedience in faith. Those who do not obey Your teachings fall victim to wrath and doom, both earthly and divine; but those who obey in love, by loving, will prosper. My heart cries when Your children suffer difficulty and pain because they do not love each other. God, please teach them True Love. Teach them to be patient and kind, not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. Teach them not to insist on their own way. Teach them the importance of rejoicing in the truth, not in wrongdoing. Teach them to bear all things, believe through all things, hope through all things, and endure through all things. Do not let Your loved ones fail.

Proverbs 7:1-3 ~ My child, keep my wordsand store up my commandments with you; keep my commandments and live, keep my teachings as the apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers, write them on the tablet of your heart.

You have begun to teach me the value of Your instructions, God. Even in Proverbs alone, i have found too much wisdom to measure. But it's all powerless if i am not teachable. God, please soften the clay of the Kennedy family, and make them open to receive Your words. Make them open to Your teachings, and if it's Your will to use me, an imperfect yet redeemed sinner, please giveme the courage and the right words, and the right spirit.

1 Samuel 12:23 ~ Moreover as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; and I will instruct you in the good and the right way.

May i be like the speaker in this verse, God. i am no better than they, nor do i have any wisdom on my own; yet i know that it is Your will that we teach each other, and so i pray that Your wisdom which You have so graciously allowed me a glimpse of will begin to take root in the Kennedys as i plant those seeds to the best of my ability. i trust in You to make these seeds grow. May they learn the good and right way because of Your Holy Spirit's work in their lives.

Psalm 127 ~ Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD guards the city, the guard keeps watch in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives sleep to his beloved. Children are indeed a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

Family, Father, is what You are all about. i believe wholeheartedly, because of Your teachings, that we were created for community, to live in joy and enjoyment with each other and with You. This family has already come through too much suffering to withstand (without Your grace), and so i beg of You that they would not be separated further, but that they would build their home on Your foundation: Love. God, please bless them with harmony and fellowship like that of the early church, where everyone had everything in common and love was the law. May they be blessed with Love, God. Please bless them.

John 17:15 ~ I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to protect them from the evil one.

i know that circumstances will always change, Father, and that manyof them will be difficult to endure. Some will seem impossible. i know this from experience. My faith in Your strength and promises, though, is much greater than faith in the world. Some depend on fortune, but i depend on the unending Life that flows from You, and i believe that this is the way we are meant to live. God, may the trials these three daughters of Yourd endure only serve to increase their faith and trust in You. Do not keep them from hardships, but protect them from evil. i pray for Your protection around them, that their faith would grow unceasingly.

2 Chronicles 7:14 ~ If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, pray, seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

So many times in the past, God, You have used my circumstances to show me the error of my ways. Oftentimes it is only with discipline and strong consequences that i begin to see how i've trampled Your name instead of honoring it. Even now, i humble myself and ask that You would forgive my mistakes, andgrant me these requests, because of Your love and grace for me.

Change the hearts of Your daughters, Father, so that they may seek You with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Transform them, no matter what it takes, just as You have transformed me in the past, when i have submitted to my own heart's desires instead of Yours. i fall, God, but when i go to my knees, You lift me up again, and i pray that You would bring this miracle to pass in the lives of Lisa, Llaura, and Alissa.

John 14:13 ~ I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
James 5:16 ~ Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective.

In Your story, prayer has done amazing things. Because of prayer, bitter water was made sweet, weak bodies were supernaturally strengthened, drought and rain came to an entire nation, prisoners were rescued and freed by angels, and dead men and women were raised to walk again.

My words seem pretty pitiful compared to Yours. i guess they are. That's why i'm choosing to speak Your words instead of mine. But like i said at the beginning, God, i am flawed. i'm broken. i need You to speak through me if i'm to accomplish anything worthwhile. i need Your guidance if i'm to make any progress. i need Your confirmation if i am to act confidently in Your name. So tomorrow, i ask that You fill me when the time comes, that i may be an encouragement to those i love.

Please grant me these requests, because i ask them in Your name, for Your purposes, only because i love You and Your children. i know You wish them to be blessed with Your love, God, and i'm no longer satisfied with washing dishes and fixing sprinklers. i feel a need to do more; so please empower me to do so.

i love You, God. Please let this be obvious, and please use me to do Your work in their lives.

i ask for these things because You said i could, and should.
i trust You to answer me according to Your limitless love.
thank You for hearing me.

Amen.

questing

God,

thank You thank You thank You again for the answer to my 1/2/05 prayer. You were/are the greatest.

i have a request... i need help praying for Lisa. please help me know how to pray for her. i feel empty of the right words, now. maybe i'll write her a letter with prayer instead.

i hope this is Your guidance, and not just my lack of confidence... but i know You will use me if i am willing and trusting and obedient, God.

please teach me how to minister to people.

amen.

flight and falling

God,

thank You.

please rescue.

~Yours

if prayers had wings

God,

i'm at a loss. i feel helpless, or useless. despite prayers and words of advice and comfort and everything else, everything's still falling apart. it's like everything's going wrong all at once. what am i supposed to do? i choose not to believe that i am to do nothing. it doesn't make sense.

i Love Llaura, and Alissa, and Lisa, and everyone else in their family. i can't just sit here. Llaura's abandoned me, Lisa is at her wits' end, Alissa is hating her own mother, and now they have to leave because of choices made and habits unbroken and lessons unlearned. i don't want any of them to leave each other. when You introduced me to Llaura's family, i thought You were going to do something miraculous, like restore the marriage. now, the family's breaking down even more, and i can't seem to do anything about it.

why will You not act, God? why does Your omnipotent hand rest? don't you see that we're drowning?

the wind and waves obey you, but hardened hearts have been broken, perhaps beyond repair. yet i know that You are called the Physician. i'm only a servant. but didn't You say we would do incredible things, too? aren't we supposed to strengthen and expand Your kingdom by Your Spirit's power? send me some kind of power, God! do something! please...

anything... to show us You're at work. anything, to show us that You will bring healing. and though i may be powerless, God, work through me, and break the hardened hearts so that Love can reign.

if my prayers have wings, God, let them bring back olive branches.

please bless my feeble but faithful efforts.

please show Your power tomorrow.

please pour Yourself into Alissa's heart and make her soft clay in Your hands.

please be evident in Llaura's circumstances & actions.

please do not let this family be torn apart again.

please grant Your children peace and joy.

please give me, Andrew, and Brad good rest tonight.

please give me some time with the sisters tomorrow.

please help me prepare for next semester, and don't let me leave here until Your work through me is done.

please teach me to be faithful in action, as well as in spirit.

please be the Hero out of Stories, and prove that You still do miracles.

please defeat the enemy and give victory to your warriors.

please come with me, and go with me, and speak with me, tomorrow, and the next day, and every day that You have set aside for me to do Your work, especially and specifically in the lives of Llaura, Alissa, and Lisa.

i hurt for them so much, God... i am happy to bear this pain if it means reaping the fruits of the Spirit afterwards. please don't let this happen. Your will be done, God, but i know that Your will is for all to find more than ideals in 1 Corinthians 13. i know that you are in the business of transforming people. i know that Your greatest joy is to be glorified through us, Your creation. i know that the greatest of these is Love. i know that you Love us, God. please show us.

make tomorrow's words meaningful, God. capture the hearts of all who have ears to hear. bring them past the curtain of music and into the quiet place where Your words are spoken.

i don't know what else to pray, God, but may my bleeding heart be like a burnt offering that brings a smile to Your face, moving You to move us.

i can't stop, God. there's too much inside to contain. i have to, i have to... keep praying. it's getting late. i need rest... but they need You more than anyone needs me. i'm not worried about doing well. i'm concerned about the worshippers tomorrow. help me lead them to You. help me make them forget what i'm doing, and open their spiritual eyes to see what You are doing.

i need Your help, God. i need Your help. i need Your voice to shake the mountains of pride, bitterness, anger, doubt, lack of faith/hope, and strife. i need Your grace to cover multitudes of sin. i need Your mercy and compassion to heal the hurting. i need something, God. whatever it is i need, You are the only one who can give it. they need it, God. please grant them their spiritual bread. please make them hunger and thirst.

please make me a friend and not a bible-basher. please help me be a prophet and not a tyrant. please put Your divine charisma into the words i choose, and help me choose them wisely. please do not sit idle while Your children are being torn from each other. please restore, renew, revive, reconcile, and resurrect.

You are the only one, God, the Only One. 'if i had ten thousand tongues, i would praise You with every one.' You are the mightiest, the gentlest, the wisest, the most Loving. change us! infect us! spread throughout us and do for their family what You have done for me so many times: rescue us.

please keep Llaura here.

please give Alissa a home.

please bring Lisa back to you.

please don't let this happen... don't let them be shipwrecked...

even those who don't know You are sending help to those in need. i know You are far greater than them, God, that Your mercy doesn't end, that Your Love isn't limited. show us these truths, Father.

please bring Llaura, Your beLoved, the clarity she needs. give her a direction and a purpose and a Right-ness. show her the way to go, God. guide Your daughter. she belongs to You, God. take her and make her more and more like You.

please show Alissa the darkness in her life, and convict her. re-introduce her to Your son, Christ Jesus, and bring her from life, through death, into new life, zoe.

please use Lisa and her authority to build a home on a strong foundation. remind her that she loves her family.

i am undertaking a huge quest, God. i'm a character in Your story, now, and i won't let the pages turn without me moving to Your theme song. i will not not try. though i may have no faith in myself, i have faith in You, God, so please do something with me! i'm a willing servant! i have two hands, and two feet, and a mouth to speak with. i have a car, and money, and time, and Love, and everything else You've given me, God. i want to use it. please give me a task. God. please set before me a quest that is of utmost importance to You. give me an adventure that leads to the liberation of slaves, the breaking of chains, and singing of praise to Your name.

more, God. i can take more, because You've emptied me of filth and filled me with Trinity. pour me out on the cracked and dry vessels that have lain in the dust for too long. lead me as i lead them to green pastures and still waters. restore their souls. guide them in paths of Right-ness for Your famous name's sake. we may be walking in total darkness, and the smell of death and decay may fill the air we breathe, but we don't have to be afraid, because You've promised to stay with us. You discipline us in a way that is comforting, somehow. enemies wait to ambush us, but we sit down and feast together in their sight, on food that You provide. You give us purpose in life, God, setting us aside from everyone else to do Your work, and to be holy by Your holiness. You bless us immeasurably.

and we believe that goodness and mercy will fill each day. our true home, where we can rest and be safe, will be Your shadow, God. we will Live in You, with You, because of You, forever. it wll never end.

Amen.

more prayers

Abba

please bring us back to life

love isaiah

Prayer Log

Dad,

i am so blessed by You. You are the greatest, in so many ways.

i want to take these down, because i will appreciate them more if i see them clearly, i think. so here goes. You've answered so many already. i don't want to lose track or take Your grace for granted.

• 12.30.04 ~ i want Llaura to Love you and walk with You, so please use anything and everything at Your disposal, including me, to lead her to Your kingdom life
• 12.30.04 ~ i want to learn true Love
• 12.30.04 ~ i want to be even closer to You
• 12.30.04 ~ i want to see You more
• 12.30.04 ~ i want to keep my committments
• 12.30.04 ~ i want Sunday to go well for You and Your children

that's the main stuff for now, i guess. oh... one more. i think this one is wrong, but Christ prayed to be spared from the cross, so i think it's okay with the right attitude and everything.

• 12.30.04 ~ please restore my Rrrrelationship with Llaura

if it is Your will, God, please do it, and in Your excellent timing. if not, Your will be done... i want Your will.

thank You for being everything You've been to me.

Love, your servant and creation
Isaiah

10-24-04

God,

I know alot about You, and I've had some experiences with You, but it's not enough. There's just too much knowledge I have that has never been confirmed, too many things I'm supposed to just believe without ever having seen any sign of them. I want to believe that they are true, but it's hard when I'm this blind. Or maybe I'm not blind, just inexperienced.

I want to experience You. Not for the good feeling it (usually) gives me, but for the faith it can give me. I want to see that You are Who You say You are. I want to know you. Not in my head, not in my heart, but in my life. I want to know You in my life.

Please show me how to get there.

Love, Isaiah

10-23-04

Abba,

I'm here to pray for Llaura's family, and for Alexa. I care about them too much to let chance choose their paths, when I could be praying. I'm not really close enough to them to make much difference myself, but I know You can do things.

I'm not really sure how that works; I don't know what kinds of things you do to make these kinds of differences. I'm not even sure I'm praying for the right things, or that praying will make any difference. I've been in situations where it has, and I've been in situations where it hasn't seemed to.

Anyway, I just want Llaura's family (all of it), and Alexa, to be more aware of Your reality. I want them to give up control of their lives, to make choices that please You. I think You want this, too. Show me what I can do, and as far as what I can't do, I ask that You would take care of those things. Please change their directions and pull them towards You, however that can be accomplished. I'm willing to do whatever you ask me to in order to help, because I know that that's the most important thing to you (restoration of Your relationship with everyone), and I know that whatever You ask me to do is the right thing.

Please help me be evidence of you, to Alexa and to the Kennedy's.

Thank You for hearing me.

I ask for these things in Christ's powerful name.

Amen.

10-11

Father,

Please bless your daughter, Mandy, with the wisdom and discernment to know how to Love, truly Love. Show her how to live 1Cor13, and bless her with a faith and a hope that will endure until the fulfillment of Your will for her.

Thank You for hearing us, and blessing us.

Amen.