murmurs of an ontological absurdity

God,

for a moment, i felt i should change the name of this blog to something more accurate. but then i realized that being a crappy doxologist doesn't make me not one.

if i had died on July 7th, would i have gone to relationship hell? or perhaps there's a relationship purgatory. that would be ironic, too, if the judge who would decide my final destiny was the same person i wronged. but i guess that's the way it really is, with heaven and hell... but the extra irony is that in order to get into relationship heaven, you have to have a good relationship with the judge of your relationship with the judge.

that sucks if you died while violating that relationship, because the judge is very biased, and you most likely go to hell.

but for some reason i got put sort of on the fence between purgatory and heaven. that's an awkward place to be, as You probly know, and i'm wondering if maybe You can help me get off of it. maybe You can speak to the judge for me, even... please?

i don't want to be on probation, and i don't want my right actions/choices to be cheapened by being counted as penance instead of good fruit. i don't want to be defined by only my actions. i don't want to have the second-best relationship of my life, as a result of my ruining the first-best one i 'could have' had.

it's true that i have ruined. but it's also true that You have redeemed, and that should effing count for something. i realize that we cannot be as loving or forgiving or redeeming or understanding as You, God, but please, please let us just barely touch the hem. even then we would be healed. just a quick touch. just Your back, as You pass. just have Your shadow pass over us.

Father God, please redeem where i have ruined. and please don't hold back.

amen

submission

Lord,

i submit to You my heart & mind, not as a servant seeking to obey, but as a fallen, ruined man seeking to be restored. i seek healing; i seek a cure for anger, a cure for arrogance, a cure for sloth.

would it be too much to ask, for some sign that these struggles are Your doing? ...or if not, then at least time-tested and God-approved? life is only becoming harder and more complex. i finish one task, only to be given three more.

i've pledged myself to You in obedience, and now You're working me to death. through death unto abundant life, i hope. please give me a sign that this is Your path; smile on me. please.

renew my heart.

thank You for the blessing that Valerie is to me, in many ways. help me receive her. help me to bless her, tangibly... visibly. Lord help me love her truly, deeply, wholly, consistently. let my love be made pure and strong and effective.

i am still Yours. save me.

amen

for the church

Father, please bless Your church with gifted leadership... and bless Valerie's life with wise choices and opportunities to please You.

amen