Father
their grip is iron. i can't discern whether they are useful or harmful or neither, but i know which of those prayer is, so here i am.
it's backwards. normally i feel like this earlier, and gradually improve. everything is thrown off and i don't know how to deal. maybe it's transition. or maybe just biochemical. i guess what matters most is that i'm here.
i find Your words less comforting than usual as i ride this emotional wave (or trough). i know them to be true but they are not painkillers. they are anchors.
perhaps i am putting too much of this on myself, and not giving You enough room to move. in the past Your word has usually felt like an even greater struggle than "worship music," because at least i can feel through those (and they are far more man-made). but the implanted word, which has the power to save our souls, i accept meekly with [often] no benefit that i can find.
the only thing i have not yet done is maintained a weeks-long (or longer) commitment to take it in. perhaps it is like exercise, and needs two months minimum to sink in.
trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.
i will try. please help me. please help me wake up.
amen
