the song's stuck in my head, Father. I don't even know that I'm touched much by the lyrics. it's jus the music. it resonates in me.
Your creation is beautiful, God. I've seen that it is good, and I haven't even spent much time outside the once-agricultural town of Fresno. I love the music, the light and shadow, the way the wind feels and sounds. it's all real, all natural, all supernatural. creation is becoming more to me than a setting. it's a driving force of story. is reality an element of story, or the other way around?
new thoughts... all this creation going on is so chaotic at the moment. new relationships, new mindsets, new theologies, new songs, new me. it doesn't feel good, not knowing myself as well. there's less time alone, and because of that, I'm losing alot of my identity. where are You taking me? what's going to happen there?
in my story, I am walking away from my mercenary life, diving into the identity of Your servant. I have a sword, a healing kit, a flute, and my voice. I have books in a large satchel. I have a letter of recommendation with Your seal on it. I am working under another of Your servants, who directs me and keeps me responsible. I work with others who share in Your purpose and vision.
my current quests: keeping track of the fields we're planting seeds in, preparing a new kind of seed, and finding transportation for those who wish to follow You. this is good work that You've given me. I feel relevant.
I don't understand some of what my dialogical mentors are saying. I need Your help to form the right mindset, so that I can be the person You want me to be. something warns me at each new thought I come across. I don't want to be wrong. maybe I don't want to be entirely right, either... but I want to have good thoughts.
everything I think is tainted by how I think. it's twisted. interpreted. how can I have Your mind, God? where can I find wisdom and insight? I long for it, long for understanding. please bless me, God, so that I can reflect the light to shine on the minds of others, freeing them from questions that may be keeping them from following You. You have used others to bless me in this way, some of them younger and less experienced than me. I ask that You bless those around me, God, lest they not experience You as fully as possible.
am I important? can I even answer that question without being wrong? if I say yes, is that bad? or if I say no?
I'll always have questions, God. I hope to always have gratefulness and praise in me, as well, though I know that may be too close to heaven for this current chapter. oh, well. I'm following You, God. some questions are vital, even granting and enabling life.
lead me, God, and in Your grace, save me. I am still Yours.
