inescapable

i cannot get away from You.

if i sink into the deepest psychological depression, You're there.
if my life is in social turmoil, You're there.
when i suck at life, You're there.
when i tell You that You don't exist, You're there.
every time i pretend to worship, You're there.
in my complacency and my incompleteness, You're there.
if i become confident in You, You're there,
and when i'm sure my whole world is doomed, You're there.

when i misunderstand, You're there, and when i can't understand anything, You're there, and when i think i understand it all, You're there.

in the midst of an impossible dilemma, You're there, and as the minotaur is breathing down my neck, You're there.

in my anger, sorrow, excitement, sinfulness, apathy, hate, and love, You're there. when i'm asleep, and when i'm awake, and when i'm in between, You're there. when i'm praying and when i'm failing, You're there. when i'm singing and when i'm hurting and when i'm trying to shut everything and everyone out... You're there.

You make it hard for me to not trust You.

please help me in my unbelief...

amen.

profitable for correction

Wise Father,

i fast because i need correction. i need to be taught the right way, the way of Life. You see my mind, and everything that hinders me from becoming a faithful follower. please instruct me. i don't know where to go or how to get there, unless You show me and take me there.

let this fast be pleasing to You.

amen.

one step forward,

two steps back.

i don't know anything about You, it seems. every time i try to grasp You, it's like taking hold of a cloud. there's moisture on my skin for a moment or two, but then it evaporates.

i'm coming to You anyway, because i need You... please, please do something for my friend. she doesn't know what to do; professional doctors have answers, but are they the right ones? what is it that she needs, God? please tell her, or grant it Yourself, or something. help her somehow. i don't know what to do; i dunno how to help.

i'm unworthy, so far from You, but You tell me You're close by, and i am afraid to call You a liar. please forgive my unbelief, my secularism, my deadness. please forgive me, and grant grace to bring me out of it.

thank You for blessings.

amen.