help me

this is pretty much it. the end. no more wasting time, no more putting things off... no more pretending i can make it. this is where i have to start saying things like, "God help me" or "i can't believe how stupid i am," and really mean it.

i don't know what's going to happen to me.

i can really identify with Israel right now, God. this is the part where i've been worshipping idols for years and years, and even though You've sent prophets to get those high places torn down, people haven't listened. even the good kings haven't removed the pagan temples. and now it's time for some wrath.

i realize it's a very natural wrath, God, so maybe i'm more like the people from Galatians. maybe i'm just being abandoned to the consequences of my actions & inactions. but either way, i'm begging for Your help. please please please... do something miraculous. otherwise, i'll be too deep in debt to get out. i need this so badly... i am crushed by the weight of it all. i don't know what i will do if i fail.

please... i know what i deserve, God, and it isn't Your help. but if i deserved it, i wouldn't need to ask. please... please help me. please help me.

my chores

i have role-models to follow here, where You've directed me. i'm told that even the most mundane acts can be given to You, perhaps even sanctified by the offering of them. well, i'm ashamed of the truth about myself, but i must be honest: prayer is a chore for me. i don't enjoy it, most of the time, and i wish it would at least yield some sort of immediate, observable benefit. but the truth is that it doesn't. i do it because i'm seeking You; i do it because i'm Yours. i do it because my Life allegedly depends on it, and i have no other path to follow with any confidence.

so i pray now, Father, for the whole church. guide its theology and its ministry, especially in this post-Christian context. teach its servants how to teach and preach. show them Your beauty, and inspire them to seek beauty in their own lives as Christians. remind them of how You've revealed Yourself throughout history, and give them fresh insight into who You are. inspire them to work hard for Christlikeness, even as You are freely bestowing that quality on them by grace.

thank You for being the Good Shepherd. that image from Ezekiel makes me want so much to live out Psalm 23, even the part about the valley of the shadow of death.

i pray also for the requests handed along to me, some of which i've forgotten. You remember? for K's friend, who needs boldness and possibly protection. for C and his fiance, that they would challenge and strengthen each other, and that You would be always present, questioning them and affirming them at every step. for H E, with whom i haven't spoken in awhile... speak to her and bless her and encourage her and direct her. for my sister H, especially if the request she made to me a few months ago is still on her heart. for L and her growth, which has been amazing and encouraging for both of us. for S and R, and their relationship, and their children. for E, that she'll be diligent and even inspired as she finishes the tasks set before her. for E and i, that You would make us truly Christian.

my greatest need right now is for diligence and inspiration as well, God. You know my greatest fear; it's staring me down right now, smiling and waiting for the outcome of this situation. help me...

this is a selfish prayer, and You know how i'm scarcely capable of more than this, and though i can't excuse myself, You put up with me anyway. thank You.

amen.

i have no gift to bring

wouldn't You love to be prayed to by someone faithful and loyal? someone who takes joy in all the work You've given him to do? someone who isn't so fragmented and anarchic? someone diligent, devoted, humble, trusting?

i should probably ask myself how You feel about all my self-deprecation, God.

i doubt You're as human as we assume You are, Holy God, but to be fair, You might say i'm more spiritual than i would claim. i'm actually here to pray, too, so maybe You've won, this time.

Father, i pray for Your family, the church... for Your body, Christ, and for Your work throughout the world, Spirit. i have no clue how that works, though i've studied here almost three years now; and i'm not sure You're actually doing anything here and now, but i pray anyway.

i pray for my friends, and all their troubles. God, help them to understand themselves; bring them into relationships and situations that will teach them the truth about Your world, and Your kingdom. may they grow into Your image, and become close to You.

for myself, i ask for faith, because there's nothing i crave more; there's nothing that would benefit me more. Your will be done, God, even if that means letting me be tortured by my frustrations and doubts and inadequacies.

amen.

prayer of the body

such a spiritual title for such a carnal prayer, God... and it is. forgive me for compartmentalizing, but i have no choice. my heart cares only for its own comfort; my mind doubts everything it cannot directly apprehend; and my soul is dead. that leaves only my body to pray. so instead of asking you to hear my heart today, Father, i'm asking You to hear my hands as they type. that's all i've got.

gracious One, please bless river47 with the fruit and the gifts of Your Spirit. may their ministry reach deeply into the community surrounding them. may Your kingdom come through the work You do through them.

thank You for friends, God, who show me what it is to be alive. they are all blessings.

for myself, Lord, You know what i desire most. i don't think it exists, but my thoughts don't change reality, so i have some semblance of hope. it's a shadowy imitation of hope, it seems to me, but it's there nonetheless, or i wouldn't be here at my prayer blog right now. thank You for not simply abandoning me completely, in response to my unbelief.

amen.