Father,
thanks for music tonight... it was alot of fun. and i do see improvement. thank You. thank You for Micco and Andrew.
why can't i hunger for You like i used to? my heart burned back then. how does it come back? what must i do? i feel like this is already becoming routine. i don't really have anything to say... that's what it feels like, anyway.
maybe it's spiritual nostalgia. =)
anyway. God, if today is supposed to feel like yesterday did, please teach me and take me there. take me back. but if You are wanting something new, something different somehow, please take me there instead. show me how to thirst. please grant me thirst. please...
teach me to understand myself, so that i can live with You in mind. i want to desire You like David did. i want to obey You like Your prophets did. i want to serve You like Christ did. i want to walk with you like Adam did, but better.
goodnight, Father... i pray for Your awe, and Your peace. thank You for making this week more alive.
amen.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
one more moment
spent with You. You're here, but not here... You're present, but hidden. You're in heaven, but in my life. i don't get it; i need it. somehow, i must learn what it is to seek and find, ask and be given it. knock, knock, Lord.
i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.
i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.
thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.
i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.
amen.
i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.
i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.
thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.
i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.
amen.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
seeking You
it's as simple as that, God, yet still so mysterious. i'm exhausted, God, and i can't concentrate yet, so give me a minute... lol, like you did for Gideon...
alright.
i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.
thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.
tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.
thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.
i seek You still.
amen.
alright.
i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.
thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.
tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.
thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.
i seek You still.
amen.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
wretched and poor
Father, Hidden One
after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.
don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.
but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...
...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.
tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.
please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.
i am Yours; save me.
amen.
after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.
don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.
but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...
...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.
tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.
please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.
i am Yours; save me.
amen.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
pathetic
Jesus, Lord, Father
i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.
i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.
i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.
maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!
why am i here?!
it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?
i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.
this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.
Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
amen.
i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.
i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.
i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.
maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!
why am i here?!
it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?
i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.
this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.
Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.
amen.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
a prophetic critique...
...of myself.
blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?
i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?
was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.
i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.
even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.
thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.
this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.
amen.
blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?
i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?
was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.
i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.
even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.
thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.
this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.
amen.
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