dry

i hesitate to say that i need You, God, because i'm not sure what it means, and that means that i'm not sure it's true. but do You only give me what i need? what do i need in order to live well, by Your standards?

You know what i need. i wish i could have even a tiny sliver of Your wisdom. or maybe i just need You to sanctify what wisdom i already have.

please grant me what i need, Lord, my Provider. You know my intentions: i want to love and serve my friends, honor my parents, prepare for my future. be fully myself each day, as Kelly and Steven each encouraged me to do. help me, please... please grant me energy and confidence. please bless this next month, as You know there's so much going on, and God, i give it all to You. it all came from You to begin with!

flow into my life, i beg you. lead me from theology to doxology. make me a worshiper whose spirit takes after Yours.

i pray for Elizabeth, Rheanna, Jeni, Alex, Beckee, and other who aren't very close to me. i want to serve and love them too, if i may, even if we don't have as much in common as other friendships i have. build up in me a gracious and warm heart; train me to be gentle and kind. that's definitely something i'm not.

please teach me what it means to spend time with You in this life.

thank You for teaching me. i am learning and growing, slowly.

thank You, once again, for my amazing friends.

please bless Andrew, especially tomorrow at work and on the road, and help me to love him.

grant me enough heart to pour into others as graduation approaches. make my goodbyes meaningful as i honor the friendships that have grown this semester.

be pleased with my work tomorrow, and with my weekend as i spend time with family and friends. please make Eli's heart more and more open to and thirsty for spirituality, especially through music and close friends.

thank You for my parents, and my siblings.

please speak and listen through and with me as i interact with Lauren Mae, Brandon, Hannah, Ug, Eli, and everyone else... i want to bring more of Your heart and rule into this little corner of the world that i can influence. teach me to take things one piece, one step, one task, one focus at a time.

i want to love You somehow, God. i don't know how it's possible, but Christ, you've made that the most important thing in my life, so please teach me and shape me to do it. and help me to shape others in turn, for that same purpose.

You are my God, and my Ruler, and my Owner. i'm Yours. You inspire me with awe tonight as i consider Your name and Your nature. thank You, Father... thank You, Spirit, for hearing me and not abandoning me. i pray these blessings on Caleb and Evan as well.

amen.

taking after myself

my Lord and God,

i will go when and where You send me.
i will sing the songs You give me.
i will speak the words You speak to me.
i will play my own melodies, from the life You have planted and nurtured.

i will make the decisions You put before me, but i can't do that without a little help, Father. i need You not just to speak, but to work. something's in me that doesn't square with my life. what am i supposed to do!? have fun? enjoy myself? this is so ridiculous... lol come one!!! what's the point?

God, i am not just being weak, or unsure, or indecisive. You know me! You know me. look into my heart and convict me of not just sins, but flaws! if You find what i am looking for, please tell me. i want to decide truly and rightly.

i will wait on You. You will answer in Your own time, in Your own way, with Your own words. i will listen. and i'll say as much to those who wait on me, in turn.

thank You for every gift, for what music has done in me and through me. i don't want it to end, God, but neither do i want to supercede anything more important. i know i have a black and white way of arranging my priorities; i know that i see things sometimes too simply. show me the subtleties and nuances of what i'm doing, of what You're doing. i will watch. teach me.

what must be done? illumine my path, God... by my Light.

in Your Son's Soveriegn name
amen

You are God

i am so drained physically, that it's hard to focus. but i am content in the knowledge that You are. it seems to wrap up all of my existence so easily: You are God. and You are MY God. i am Your... Your what? i am part of Your plan, Your story, Your world, Your life.

i am Yours, like Luther said.

please revive me, Lord, i am so in need of it. i want to do well in the work You've given me to enjoy.

thank You for Nicole and Kelly. thanks for my friends at home, especially those in the midst of spiritual growth and/or awakening. thank You for ministry opportunities and dreams, and as always God, thank You so much for the music You've given us.

i look forward to You.

amen.

thank You

You gave me what i was searching for. i think. as soon as i begin to question it, it begins to fall apart, but this is enough for now. i know that when i seek You, i find answers, even if it's just me working through things. i was meant to use these faculties to find You, i think. i can find You now, even if i have trouble with believing that You are interacting with me in the present.

please help me. i need faith from You every day in order to be confident and energetic in my faith.

thank You.

amen.

overwhelmed

even though i'm overwhelmed, Father, i do feel hope, for some reason. i've been roller-coastering in that regard. some days i smile at the future; other days don't even want to think about it. tonight is sort of in-between.

but my emotions aren't even top of the list, are they? it's You i'm praying to, and it's You that all of me wants to serve... heart included. i can't seem to do anything about depression, except talk to You about it, so i hope You don't mind if i vent once in awhile.

thanks for Andrew and Micco, the guys from 6th floor, and my family at home. for my friends. for Brianne and Lauren Mae. for Clovis Christian. thank You for accepting my prayers of gratitude even when i don't feel very grateful.

i see myself right now as a tired failure, God, yesterday and today and tomorrow. please help me change... please help me not disappoint everyone... please help me to take care of the responsibilities i've accepted. please speak to me tomorrow, somehow, any-how!

i need You. this world needs You. kyrie eleison...

please help.

amen.

excuses

if i could go back to the days when You were my only worry, i would spend more time with You.

if i could just take less units, i could get better grades.

if i could just find more time and money, i could take music lessons.

if i could just get more sleep, i'd do better in life.

if i weren't so busy, i'd invest more of me into Your children.

if i could just commit to school wholeheartedlty, i could honor my parents.

if i could only hit rock bottom, i could do better in life.

if You would stop blessing me, i'd be more disciplined.

i hate my failure.

i need You.

amen.

solitude

Father,

perhaps it's simply time spent alone with You. or thinking that i'm with You. whichever it is. i'm not really sure; i doubt i'll ever remain consistent with that question/answer. and from what Tom C. and Henri N. taught me, how much time might be more important than the activity done during that time.

that might be it. it's like i don't need You anymore. in the early years, i needed you every night. i felt that need. it's different now. that's the contentment i was feeling last night. in part. that's probably the most significant thing i've discovered yet.

i have to change it, then. how can i make myself need You the way i used to? is that even right? would it be going backwards instead of progressing forwards?

i can't figure that out tonight. one step at a time, i guess.

thank You so much for my friends, and for growing me, and for music.

please help me get through my duties this week... be with heather A. as she lives life. help me find and make time for my priorities. i'm terrible at that.

amen.

sweet Holy Spirit

i hope You weren't offended by tonight's music. i'm so loving this experience.

maybe that's what's different. maybe it's that i'm happier now than i was before. is it weird that i would want to go back to that time?? li'l bit? i dunno. i don't understand myself, and i wish i had more of a drive to remedy that. i wish i were more self-intuitive. i understand some things, God, but there's so much more to know.

i'll talk to you on the way to the vending machines, and back.

thank You for my friends and family. i Love them.

amen.