please, do not let me ruin the lives of the people You Love. ruin me first, if that's how it must be, but do not let them come to harm because of me.
may Your wishes come inexplicably and inexorably to their fulfillment, God. may You get Your heart's desire.
amen.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
disciple me
i'm starting to realize [once again] that i can't treat my life and my faith as two separate things, no matter how faithless my life might be, or how lifeless my faith might be. it doesn't make sense to pray to a God who isn't in this world, because the only place i'm at is this world! my life's not 'out there' somewhere... it's here. and if You're not here, then what the heck am i doing with this blog.
teach me something new, Lord. i'm Yours.
teach me something new, Lord. i'm Yours.
Monday, January 22, 2007
inexplicable
home-school. i was sitting at my desk, doing some math homework. Mercy Me was playing. i suddenly felt Your... awareness... Your mind touching on mine. You didn't say anything, but the feeling i got could've been translated into words: I am here. i was speechless. i couldn't grasp that You would assert Your presence so blatantly. it was only a split-second, and then it was gone.
high-school. i read from the book of Proverbs almost every week for months, and though i don't understand it much, i become someone people rely on for wise advice and discernment and clear thinking. i have a grasp of the paradoxes and ironies of life, and the truth of the way things really are. i see past false concepts and unravel the Gordian knots that others bruise their fingers on. i stand up for what i know is right, and try to fight what's wrong, even when it's dangerous or unpopular. Your word transforms me.
or i read from I Corinthians, and Paul's teachings convince me of the surpassing importance of Love. i try to be patient and kind and humble and self-sacrificing, especially towards those who need it most. though i haven't yet learned to exegete, i become someone people rely on for Loving care and genuine kindness. i win the hearts of some who've never met me, and lead a dying friend to life instead. Your word transforms me again.
December 2004. i was laying on the futon in my room at Uncle Greg's, trying to process the pain of the break-up. i re-played things, made up alternate scenarios, cried... i sat there wallowing in the agony and misery of it, until finally i decided to talk to You. i don't know what it means to give You my worries, God, but i think i did it, because you took them, and i instantly felt peace. i was so surprised that i cried some more before i fell asleep, but they were tears of relief, not sorrow.
college years. i would come to the fountain every once in a long while, and for some reason, as long as it's night and i'm alone, i feel You there. it's like You're waiting for me. the light and the water are soothing on their own, but it's more than that. i don't understand how or why my mind would create a fiction like that. it seems too perfect, too odd. i don't know why You would choose to be there and not here, or why You don't seem to move from that spot much. at the fountain my thoughts, motives, and purposes become clearer, more solid. i walk away a healthier person, more fully myself.
i love to thank You for every blessing; i talk to You in the worst times, the best times, even the times where i don't think You exist at all, let alone listen to my thoughts or feelings. i fight so hard to have faith, and to instill it in others.
people look to me for spiritual guidance, Lord God. i've been given a glimpse of what it might look like to serve You and Yours for the rest of my life. if You want to complete what You've started here, then please reveal Yourself while it still matters.
high-school. i read from the book of Proverbs almost every week for months, and though i don't understand it much, i become someone people rely on for wise advice and discernment and clear thinking. i have a grasp of the paradoxes and ironies of life, and the truth of the way things really are. i see past false concepts and unravel the Gordian knots that others bruise their fingers on. i stand up for what i know is right, and try to fight what's wrong, even when it's dangerous or unpopular. Your word transforms me.
or i read from I Corinthians, and Paul's teachings convince me of the surpassing importance of Love. i try to be patient and kind and humble and self-sacrificing, especially towards those who need it most. though i haven't yet learned to exegete, i become someone people rely on for Loving care and genuine kindness. i win the hearts of some who've never met me, and lead a dying friend to life instead. Your word transforms me again.
December 2004. i was laying on the futon in my room at Uncle Greg's, trying to process the pain of the break-up. i re-played things, made up alternate scenarios, cried... i sat there wallowing in the agony and misery of it, until finally i decided to talk to You. i don't know what it means to give You my worries, God, but i think i did it, because you took them, and i instantly felt peace. i was so surprised that i cried some more before i fell asleep, but they were tears of relief, not sorrow.
college years. i would come to the fountain every once in a long while, and for some reason, as long as it's night and i'm alone, i feel You there. it's like You're waiting for me. the light and the water are soothing on their own, but it's more than that. i don't understand how or why my mind would create a fiction like that. it seems too perfect, too odd. i don't know why You would choose to be there and not here, or why You don't seem to move from that spot much. at the fountain my thoughts, motives, and purposes become clearer, more solid. i walk away a healthier person, more fully myself.
i love to thank You for every blessing; i talk to You in the worst times, the best times, even the times where i don't think You exist at all, let alone listen to my thoughts or feelings. i fight so hard to have faith, and to instill it in others.
people look to me for spiritual guidance, Lord God. i've been given a glimpse of what it might look like to serve You and Yours for the rest of my life. if You want to complete what You've started here, then please reveal Yourself while it still matters.
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