murmurs of an ontological absurdity

God,

for a moment, i felt i should change the name of this blog to something more accurate. but then i realized that being a crappy doxologist doesn't make me not one.

if i had died on July 7th, would i have gone to relationship hell? or perhaps there's a relationship purgatory. that would be ironic, too, if the judge who would decide my final destiny was the same person i wronged. but i guess that's the way it really is, with heaven and hell... but the extra irony is that in order to get into relationship heaven, you have to have a good relationship with the judge of your relationship with the judge.

that sucks if you died while violating that relationship, because the judge is very biased, and you most likely go to hell.

but for some reason i got put sort of on the fence between purgatory and heaven. that's an awkward place to be, as You probly know, and i'm wondering if maybe You can help me get off of it. maybe You can speak to the judge for me, even... please?

i don't want to be on probation, and i don't want my right actions/choices to be cheapened by being counted as penance instead of good fruit. i don't want to be defined by only my actions. i don't want to have the second-best relationship of my life, as a result of my ruining the first-best one i 'could have' had.

it's true that i have ruined. but it's also true that You have redeemed, and that should effing count for something. i realize that we cannot be as loving or forgiving or redeeming or understanding as You, God, but please, please let us just barely touch the hem. even then we would be healed. just a quick touch. just Your back, as You pass. just have Your shadow pass over us.

Father God, please redeem where i have ruined. and please don't hold back.

amen

submission

Lord,

i submit to You my heart & mind, not as a servant seeking to obey, but as a fallen, ruined man seeking to be restored. i seek healing; i seek a cure for anger, a cure for arrogance, a cure for sloth.

would it be too much to ask, for some sign that these struggles are Your doing? ...or if not, then at least time-tested and God-approved? life is only becoming harder and more complex. i finish one task, only to be given three more.

i've pledged myself to You in obedience, and now You're working me to death. through death unto abundant life, i hope. please give me a sign that this is Your path; smile on me. please.

renew my heart.

thank You for the blessing that Valerie is to me, in many ways. help me receive her. help me to bless her, tangibly... visibly. Lord help me love her truly, deeply, wholly, consistently. let my love be made pure and strong and effective.

i am still Yours. save me.

amen

for the church

Father, please bless Your church with gifted leadership... and bless Valerie's life with wise choices and opportunities to please You.

amen

You would.

i see it now. You're doing it on purpose. You know exactly how much i don't depend on You, and exactly how much i depend on me, and You don't like it. You see how mechanical & methodical i am, and You're doing this just to throw me off.

...which means that my "i'm completely freaking out right now" is exactly the response You want.

sometimes i dislike You. right now i think i would rather just disbelieve that it's actually You doing anything to me at all. that way i have no responsibility in the matter, and i don't have to dislike You.

but i have no choice now except to come running to You, begging for mercy. i'm like Valerie being tickled. "eleison! eleison!!!"

well. perhaps You've got me right where You want me. somehow, that isn't encouraging at all.

please help.

amen

identity

Father,

please remind me of who i am.

amen

illumination

Lord,

i am ready to follow You. i'm sure You are aware of how much harder it is to make decisions on my own, as opposed to simply following Your orders. help me; please help me. give me what i need to live right, whatever that is.

i am Yours. save me.

i am not You

Holy Spirit, please touch Valerie's heart, and whisper to her. i rely on You for the health and meaning of every good thing in my life. i release to You any responsibility i've been unwisely keeping to myself; by all means, give me more and more work to do, God, but those things that only You can do, please take them and do beautiful things.

thank You for hearing me, and for not giving up on me. for loving me. please don't give up on us; please bless Valerie deeply.

amen

grace

Lord God,

i don't want to even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had You never claimed it... or had Your claim somehow been revoked at some point. "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." i am blessed beyond what i am capable of realizing.

Your blessings have come in many different ways. sometimes You bless me by convicting me, with a heavy hand; other times, by shaping my thoughts and values to better reflect Yours. sometimes, by giving me the opportunity to bless others; other times, by surrounding me with generous, loving people.

some times You have blessed me by forcibly turning me away from bad to good; other times, from good to better! some times You have blessed me by ruining me; other times, by redeeming the ruin i have wrought myself.

i am blessed when i obey You; i am blessed when i don't, even if it's in different ways. i can't seem to escape You.

in Valerie, and in my relationship with her, and in her relationship with You, i find all of these kinds of blessings, and more. even considering only the blessings that have come to me through her, or through my relationship with her, i cannot thank You enough. but i'm going to act as though i can. so i thank You now, for her mind, for her heart, for her spirit... for her as a whole person. and for the incredible joy of this intimate relationship with her.

may she be blessed as i have been, and may You be pleased by what we do with what you have given us.

amen

God

i need help. please help me.

amen

trials

Lord,

i'm experiencing victories; i'm more and more vulnerable to You and Your touch as the days go by, as trials come and i am put to the test over and over again. You know i'm grateful.

but i am tired of being attacked. i am tired of these memories, these images, these appetites, these obsessions. i am growing confident in battle, but i am so tired of fighting. i have progress but not peace. i have healing but i'm still in pain. how long will i be suffering this way?

why can my life not be wholly new? why can You not simply wipe clean my heart and mind, and make me innocent and naive again? this thorn is alive; it twists and digs, and i pull it out and toss it away, but it finds me again... and i immediately tear it out, in obedience to you, yet it returns.

please help me...

amen

abundantly

Spirit,

please bear good fruit in me abundantly. help me be patient, gentle, kind, loving. i want to love like you do. thank you for hearing me; thank you for saving me. please don't leave me unfinished. please don't leave this, us, unfinished. Lord, we are Yours.

amen.

kairos

Lord,

i am too impatient-- if not emotionally, then mentally. i'm peeking at chapters ahead too often. i'm focusing so much on the future... it's as if the present is only the means. how much can i be blamed, or how much should i be ashamed, for not enjoying the present?

help me to live now; not only to lay the foundation for later, but because now matters.

amen

Lord,

will You provide for us?

please bless Valerie's rest tonight. grant her just the right amount of confidence and caution, and let her find success in pursuit of things that please You and honor You.

amen

relationship

God,

You call me out. i'm intensely grateful, and immeasurably blessed, by Your heavy hand, pushing me underwater until i can't breathe anymore. and when i finally release what little breath i have, and give myself to death, You share Your breath with me, and i'm more alive than when i began.

hallelujah...

amen.

dreams

Father,

You know my dreams. if i'm to simply wait on You, please help my patience and understanding; if i'm to work harder, please spur me on towards good works; if there's something You would have me do to prepare for the future, or if there's something important i need to learn before we turn the page, please show it to me. i'm waiting.

please give Valerie patience as well... but not too much.

amen

devotion

"be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

i need these words. i used to laugh at the term 'devotional,' probably because i knew devotionals were useless without devotion. please grant me this, Lord: devotion. help me be devoted to the renewing of my mind in Christ. grant me grace not only to be forgiven, but to be changed, radically.

amen

renewal

Lord,

i need You to teach me how to live. i need to be healthy. i'm grateful for progress made, and being made... but it's not enough. if this is just another difficult step in the right direction, then please reassure me and continue to convict me of what is healthy; reassure me that my mind can be wholly renewed in a way that would please You.

You know who and what i desire, and what to do with all of my desires; please teach me. please re-shape me. accomplish Your metanoia in me. tell me what is my part in that.

amen

worries

Lord,

must i keep these? my responsibilities, i willingly carry (and sometimes gladly); my cares, they come from Your work in me (mostly); but my worries seem unhelpful. Jesus, you said not to worry, but i don't know what that means, or why i shouldn't. forgive my arrogance-- if you say to go, i go, but i don't understand it well enough to be obedient. teach me how...?

please bless and keep Valerie, Lord; bless her deeply. let her find the rest she seeks through Sabbath. and, help me to understand her relationship with You. please don't be angry, i have to ask: do You feel anything for her? i've been taught You're an emotional God, Who deeply cares. i know how hard it is to see tangible expressions of Your care for people here. help me understand; help me believe.

help me to live a pure life, so that i can say, "God blessed me in this way," and let that blessing overflow into the lives of people close to me.

amen

vulnerability

Lord,

i trust You with more than i did a month ago. i need that trust as much as i need what i'm trusting You for, i think. well, almost as much. i don't even know exactly what i need, but i want to learn to trust that You'll lead me. i'm giving myself to You; it might take awhile for me to be changed, but i at least want to know that You've begun, and that You'll finish.

oh. patience... that's what You want me to have. the more i prayed that You'd ask me for something, the more i suspected: "it's going to be something difficult, isn't it?" i knew it.

well, grant me what grace i need, then, and i will use it. Lord, i want what You want; and i want to want what You want me to want. it's difficult to wait, but i have it in me. what i really need is patience, a calm spirit, a steady heart, a controlled mind. how can i achieve this? or am i to struggle inwardly, and grow through that? is this how You discipline me? by crucible? by a smelting process that burns like hell but leads to heaven?

tell me what to do. tell me which comes first: outward decisions, or inward change. i know they're a dialectic; but if the former comes first, then i have work to do. tell me.

thank You for growth.

amen

kyrie eleison

Lord,

thank You for the work You're already doing in me, and for the visible, tangible changes. You're answering my prayers, and it's blowing me away.

but i have more to ask. i need help with my appetites. i just finished telling an unbeliever that a person's motivations and desires are the clearest window we have into the core of that person. i think that's true, and i'm not at all comfortable with this dark curiosity in me. it's so hard to identify, so hard to explain... i don't know what it is, or why it wants what it wants, and that scares me, because if i don't know what it is, how can i know how to deal with it?

even as it fades away (because no feeling lasts forever), i have this bad taste in my mouth, almost like i did something evil in my sleep, completely unaware, yet still felt its effects as i awoke. please get rid of it; or teach me how to get rid of it.

i wish i could say it were lust, God, because then i would know how to combat it. i wish it were anger, that i could pray against it and remember that You are slow to anger, and that the fruit of the Spirit is peace and gentleness.

perhaps it's jealousy still? and i'm having trouble with it because it's of a quality i never (and could never) have experienced before?

i don't know. Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; grant me grace, and a pure heart, and wisdom to discern, and strength to conquer. i am Yours; do Your work in me.

amen

Lord,

thank You for owning me.
thank You for convicting me.
thank You for beginning to bear fruit in me.
thank You for rest (not mine).
thank You for hope.

please bless and protect Pastor Frank Riley, and his congregation at river47.
please continue and even speed along the work You're doing in Valerie & i.
please bless me with work to do.

please help me to know how to helpfully, lovingly interact and relate with my friends they deny Your Lordship and deity, especially DK, KL, and EW.

amen.

the real work

Lord,

i am inadequate to the task. please give me wisdom. i will trust what You say, and lean on it, and commit to it fully; i want to, at least. please give me the opportunity to become fully Yours, holding nothing back.

amen

courage

Lord

i want to believe that You're both the source & the goal of the fresh energy i've felt the past few days. i want to commit this work to You, because i haven't done that yet: please bless my efforts to become a hard worker. be my first and strongest allegiance, not only in my relationships, but in my pursuit of virtue & character. purify me by shaping my motivation. pull my heart back towards You, away from success or selfishness or other people, no matter how important they might be to me.

put me to work first for You, God. i want to be Yours in this way. please help me find a job, not so that i can accomplish my own goals, but so that i can please You with what i do.

i'm Yours.

amen

i meant what i said tonight, God, and it felt right to say it out loud like that... to not only think it, but to invite others to trust it. i would welcome more opportunities to do so. please help those seeds grow.

thank You for Your claim on Valerie's life, and for the way it's being strengthened and sharpened.

thank You for the hard work You're doing in me. i want it to be complete, and without compromise; please help me become myself, solidly, certainly. thank You for conviction, for forgiveness, for mercy, for second and third and fourth chances.

thank You for Clesi and Your Spirit's obvious, tangible work in her.

thank You for generous, supportive parents. please help me stop needing them. i want to become a hard worker, and i want my hard work to matter. i need opportunities and encouragement and so many things, God... please keep providing for me. if my goals are not Yours, i am open to Your correction. if my means and methods are not Yours, i'm willing to change. please guide me.

amen

all ye that labor

Father, thank You for caring for her. please bless her as she continues to bless those around her; bless her with wisdom for making decisions, and energy for carrying out those decisions, whether they're day-to-day choices or perhaps choices that will drastically alter the course of her life. fuel and direct and sharpen her passions, and always draw her heart ultimately to You.

amen

God,

i am cursed with the need to understand important things. i would rather be stupid and unquestioning. i hate my handicap, and if there's anything You could do about it, i'd really appreciate it. i'm purposely not being careful what i pray for, so if You are thinking about sparing me some potential regret by not granting my request, please reconsider.

thank You for Valerie. please help me to be a blessing in her life, and not a curse.

amen

Lord

Jesus Christ, You are my only Lord.

please help me make this true in my life. be not only my strongest, but my first allegiance. i wish i could say my heart desires this as much as my mind affirms it. help me in my unbelief, but more than that, help me to somehow love You truly, and love You more.

amen

birth

i'm a baby Christian all over again. i can barely digest a verse or two at a time, if that; all of my prayers are supplications; my songs are nothing more than sound waves; in silence and solitude, i'm focused on myself and my problems.

if this Psalmist's heart is Your goal for me, my Lord, then we have a very long journey to make... longer than the 2-3 days between CA and IN; longer than the distance between the dependent me and the independent me; even longer, perhaps, than the miles i've already traveled to get here.

i feel incapable, and far from ready... and only just barely willing. my prayer tonight is that You can still do something with the little i have to give.

thank You for leading me here. i'm sorry for my 21 years of disobedient wandering; i sense that i still have more wandering to do. i'm not sure i even believe in the Promise Land, but i do believe in the cloud and the pillar, so here i am, following. weakly. haltingly. but still following.

please don't leave me.

amen

good intentions

i need You to make Your dreams for me, mine... and then i need You to make them come true for me, as i pursue them. i'm not asking; i'm stating, and more to myself than You, as usual.

what are Your intentions for me? here i am, reminding myself by the hour that i'm Your belonging. well, what do You intend to do with me? is it okay if i'm expecting something more than "well, what do you want to do?" because i'm not sure You should be trusting me with me, yet.

renew my mind... i think this is what You want for me. transform my character. i want this already, but i'm seeing it more clearly. show me Your goal for me, so that i can pursue it.

i am so tired, God. i'm not sure my thoughts make sense right now. please hear my heart anyways.

thank You for good friends, and the character You have-formed / are-forming in them, which glorifies You and blesses me.

thank You for Valerie, and how she reflect to my senses Your otherwise invisible nature.

thank You most of all for claiming me, eight or so years ago. please keep doing that.

amen

vulnerability

i am open even to the judgment of others, God, because i know i deserve no defense. as soon as i begin to protect myself, i've become presumptuous.

Father please make me a humble person, by nature, over time. i invite You to remind me that i prayed this, on this night, in this situation.

amen

deal justly with me. what else would i ever do but accept Your decisions and actions as Good and Right? do what You will in me, with me, for me. i am not afraid of what You might say or do; there's no reason to be. give and take away. i cling tightly to some things, but given the choice between You and everything else i value, i will quickly (yet still painfully) choose You.

my hope is that i won't have to make that choice at all. i think You hope for the same. i hope so.

pointless

God

i feel that this is all a waste of time, that i'm going to fail, and lose everything. i'm terrified. i'm alone. i'm discouraged. i feel that i've been defeated already.

but i can endure all that, i think. for awhile.

i have many needs, many requests... i am so needy... so foolish, so ruined. i've already asked for many things, even in the last few minutes. but in this prayer i'm just asking one this: please touch me. i don't want my idea of God to touch me; i don't want my prayers to change me. i want You to touch me; i want Your grace. if i had to choose between feeling forgiven and being forgiven, i would choose the second without hesitation. i want to to be transformed, by You.

i believe You want this too; but i don't want my belief to save me. i need You to save me. God, please reawaken the desire i once had: the desire, above all else, to please You. i am Yours, only Yours; i belong to Christ. Jesus, please set me free, like that book said You came to do. please let me touch the hem of Your robe. please help me.

amen.

outdoing myself

it seems like a time comes every several months, where i pray this prayer: "i've never needed You more than i do now." it's that time again. thank You for Your gifts to me, and for discipline, and for consequences. thank You for Godly people surrounding me.

help us first to discern the right thing, and secondly to work towards it productively. please help us along the way, so that in the end we can come to the right place.

i desperately, desperately need You. i am willing; i am still Yours.

kyrie eleison

Jesus Christ, have mercy on me...
Father God, i am Yours; save me...
Holy Spirit, be with me and illumine my mind and heart and spirit...

amen

i see You

i have glimmers of understanding here and there. please accept my feeble, fickle gratitude as i continue to seek You, deaf and blind and immeasurably blessed.

help

right now, LORD, there is no heart lower than mine, no soul more abased. i am the chief of sinners. i scheme and plot my own pleasure as naturally as breathing. no one sees me when i wish not to be seen. i'm not worthy to address You; i'm not worthy to speak to anyone.

Father, be gracious anyway; please, grant me strength and integrity. grant me the power to overcome temptation; let me trade in my lusts for pure passion. help me to truly earn the trust of others.

give me a right heart, and a right life. i am Yours. save me. redeem me from my ruin.

amen.

God help me; i have no solution to this problem. it just gets worse the more i try to reason through it. my experience and reason tell me You won't help me with it, but i'm asking You anyway: please solve this for me. it's too much for me to fix, and it's too much for me to carry. please do something wise and good. please do something righteous and Godly. please please please... help me.

submission

authority's great and everything, LORD, but doesn't authority itself have a higher authority? what about tyranny and oppression and power misused? obey your government, honor your parents, give to Caesar what is Caesar's...

i've heard it all, and i really need to know: do You really expect me to submit to evil? i mean, You did, but that was a special situation, right? and You were in it for the well-being of other people, just like i'm in this right now. so how come it's not working out very well?

Holy Spirit, i hesitantly, grudgingly give way to the possibility that something in me needs to change. You're the One to go to for metanoia, right? then i invite You to influence me somehow, whether directly or indirectly, painfully or pleasantly. i'll never truly know whether You did or not, regardless of what happens, but i can at least trust that You heard my request, and cared that i made it.

i am Yours, as always, and i submit myself to Your authority. please help me.

amen.

eff

God, i have alot to say to You, but i'm fading, so i'll only let the most urgent words come out.

i really don't know how to handle these issues. sometimes i'm convinced i can solve any problem, correct any misunderstanding, heal any pain. other times it seems like the whole world is set against me, and the people i want to help the most are the ones fighting me the fiercest. there's nothing more discouraging than trying to Love someone, and failing, not only because you aren't perfect, but because the people you're Loving aren't, either.

You know that my only fear is failure; You know why. failure is the let-down of everything i care most about and work the hardest for. God, i think and feel that i've learned so much, but sometimes it seems none of that matters, and no matter how much of myself i sacrifice, no matter how much i try to make things better, they only get worse, and i hate it because i'm caught between my passion to Love people and the inevitable disaster once i actually try.

i can't sort out the chaos; i can't clean up the mess. it's just beyond me. i hate failing. God please help. bless the people i have wounded; guide me away from what might be dangerous to them; help me figure out what to do about these scissor-hands.

Kyrie eleison...

integrity

Lord,

it must be really easy for You, keeping all Your promises... since You're God and everything. but for me, it's really hard, because i'm selfish and forgetful. i know there's more to it than that, and i know this is a massive and complex request, and i realize that i may not even know what i'm asking right now...

...but i'd really like to be able to do what i say. every time. i'd really like to be able to keep my promises. i'd really like to be able to dedicate myself to something for more than a few weeks.

so God, my request right now is, please make my 'yes' mean 'yes.'

if that means some hard training, and more mistakes, and disappointment and shame, then so be it.

thank You for hearing me again, and for giving me enough faith to pray.

amen.

a plea

please, do not let me ruin the lives of the people You Love. ruin me first, if that's how it must be, but do not let them come to harm because of me.

may Your wishes come inexplicably and inexorably to their fulfillment, God. may You get Your heart's desire.

amen.

disciple me

i'm starting to realize [once again] that i can't treat my life and my faith as two separate things, no matter how faithless my life might be, or how lifeless my faith might be. it doesn't make sense to pray to a God who isn't in this world, because the only place i'm at is this world! my life's not 'out there' somewhere... it's here. and if You're not here, then what the heck am i doing with this blog.

teach me something new, Lord. i'm Yours.

inexplicable

home-school. i was sitting at my desk, doing some math homework. Mercy Me was playing. i suddenly felt Your... awareness... Your mind touching on mine. You didn't say anything, but the feeling i got could've been translated into words: I am here. i was speechless. i couldn't grasp that You would assert Your presence so blatantly. it was only a split-second, and then it was gone.

high-school. i read from the book of Proverbs almost every week for months, and though i don't understand it much, i become someone people rely on for wise advice and discernment and clear thinking. i have a grasp of the paradoxes and ironies of life, and the truth of the way things really are. i see past false concepts and unravel the Gordian knots that others bruise their fingers on. i stand up for what i know is right, and try to fight what's wrong, even when it's dangerous or unpopular. Your word transforms me.

or i read from I Corinthians, and Paul's teachings convince me of the surpassing importance of Love. i try to be patient and kind and humble and self-sacrificing, especially towards those who need it most. though i haven't yet learned to exegete, i become someone people rely on for Loving care and genuine kindness. i win the hearts of some who've never met me, and lead a dying friend to life instead. Your word transforms me again.

December 2004. i was laying on the futon in my room at Uncle Greg's, trying to process the pain of the break-up. i re-played things, made up alternate scenarios, cried... i sat there wallowing in the agony and misery of it, until finally i decided to talk to You. i don't know what it means to give You my worries, God, but i think i did it, because you took them, and i instantly felt peace. i was so surprised that i cried some more before i fell asleep, but they were tears of relief, not sorrow.

college years. i would come to the fountain every once in a long while, and for some reason, as long as it's night and i'm alone, i feel You there. it's like You're waiting for me. the light and the water are soothing on their own, but it's more than that. i don't understand how or why my mind would create a fiction like that. it seems too perfect, too odd. i don't know why You would choose to be there and not here, or why You don't seem to move from that spot much. at the fountain my thoughts, motives, and purposes become clearer, more solid. i walk away a healthier person, more fully myself.

i love to thank You for every blessing; i talk to You in the worst times, the best times, even the times where i don't think You exist at all, let alone listen to my thoughts or feelings. i fight so hard to have faith, and to instill it in others.

people look to me for spiritual guidance, Lord God. i've been given a glimpse of what it might look like to serve You and Yours for the rest of my life. if You want to complete what You've started here, then please reveal Yourself while it still matters.