to grow in faith

Triune God, teach me Your dance...

i need to learn how to pray. i need You to teach me. the moment i asked You, last week, You answered, and amazed me. i'm asking again, not specifically this moment, but whenever You're ready, and whenever You see an opportunity in me... teach me! i need to learn. i want to.

i'll pray to know You better, to know Your will better.
i'll pray to give You the freedom to shape my character.
i'll pray to make things happen in the kingdom.
i'll pray in order to be close to You, even as i'm far from perfection.

God, i am thankful that You use me sometimes. well, i'm trying to be humble, which means 'accurate' and not 'lowly,' so i'll just say it: You use me so much, i don't know what to make of it! sometimes i doubt the value of what You work through me, or whether it's really You working it at all, but maybe i am too practical and not aesthetic-minded enough.

i have had, and i am having, some beautiful friendships... and i know differences are made, in my life and in their lives; it's just that sometimes i wonder if it really is Your will i'm in the midst of. maybe You can tell me? i'm sorry that i'm so easily discouraged (You know what i'm talking about). You've encouraged me tonight; maybe i'm just being Gideon. but maybe not.

what would You have me hear from You?

i want to listen more.

let it be so... amen.

to sanctify space

Father,

You have heard so many complaints of mine, concerning Your apparent absence. why can't You just explain it all to me? explain to me how You're here, and/or not here... i don't even need the 'why,' because while it would make me feel better, it wouldn't do much to help me live better. i just need to know how You are here.

it's so confusing! it's so frustrating! You've been here before, so where are You now?! why did You leave? why did You send the Holy Spirit? i'd rather Jesus, honestly. Christ, i'd rather you were here with us, than have the Spirit.

why are You like this?

none of my pleas are going to change anything. it's never that easy.

please just tell me if You really are there, waiting for me at the fountain, at night... i need to know You're really there, because if You're not, then i'm insane or stupid or pathetically desperate. i need to know; please, please tell me.

to sanctify time

Father,

i'm here to focus. Your word is fascinating and beautiful to me, and i have work to do. please grant me the grace to dig in deeply, to be faithful to the ministry which You've given me in this chapter. help my work to please You; let my mind be fertile soil tonight, for Your glory and for my edification, and for the value of Truth and understanding.

please help me redeem the time.

amen.

a challenge

God,

thank You for letting me interrupt Your flow of thought. thank You for inviting me into the conversation You are already having. thank You for teaching me to sing on key, even today.

i need Your help. i might be too proud of my experience, my wisdom, my insight. i might be too much the male, always trying to fix things. but i'm good at this, God! i know it. i give good advice. just today, four different girls have asked for my advice! and i feel ready. i am always ready to come at the call of a Lloved one.

but this time, i'm being told-- not just by her, but by You!-- that i am to sit this one out, so to speak. thank You, so much for teaching me something in that moment. You amazed me today.

i want to help, but i want to obey You and do what is best, even if that means doing nothing. perhaps it only means being. whatever i am called on to do or to say, Father, i'm ready to be obedient and helpful. i'm also ready to be a learner, especially in the relational dynamic of prayer. thank You for Dogterom and his wisdom.

i'll talk with You about it (and listen, too) more and more as time goes on.

please care for Kelsey, through her friends and through Your Spirit in her. i trust You.

amen.

fire

i know You hear me.

i know You are there, listening, watching. maybe You're even speaking. maybe Your silence is best. maybe You're unnoticed, yet still so present. maybe You care more than i do about her, and about her situation. maybe i feel like You need to do something, and maybe i'm scared that You won't, because i know that sometimes, You don't.

i am so trained to fix things, to anticipate happy endings. i don't know what else there is to do, God...

perhaps You can teach us. i'm game.

amen.

II Timothy 2:13

sometimes we are not enough to do anything right.
sometimes we are fake, or dead.
sometimes we just don't care.

sometimes we give up on You.
sometimes we're fed up with You.
sometimes we're pretty sure You made us wrong.

thank You for being okay with all that.

to play the fool

Father,

i would rather be Solomon. i would rather write Proverbs than Lamentations; i would rather the last simple statement of Ecclesiastes, than all of the understanding that leads up to it.

i just need wisdom, God. i need advice. i need help. i need to be taught how to live life.

Jesus, please take me as your apprentice. i will learn from you, if you will teach me. i need you. i want to be impressed with you, and perhaps even learn what it means to adore you. i love learning from your servants and spokespeople, but i really need to learn from you.

Spirit, be in me and guide me. i will be listening. i hear you even now, speaking of grace and responsibility and character and community and need. i'm listening.

i wait on your words.

amen.

i am Yours still

Jesus, i don't know what strange powers You have over me, but i pray Your breath never leaves my lungs again. i am so starving for Your Spirit; i am such a barren tree. i am planted far from water, and i'm not surviving. please, Jesus, beseech God for His favor in my life, that i might truly love Him and effectively serve Him.

i desire nothing more than this.

redeem me, i ask humbly, and with much thanksgiving.

amen.

philippians 4:6

was it easy for him to write that verse, God? did he have the peace of which he spoke?

thank You for my failure... for my struggle. i'm told that i must first embrace my problems, in gratitude, before i can begin to release them to Your work. that last past sounds right to me; the whole thing is what i'm trying to do.

my problem is, i stay up too late. 2a is a better time, for me, but it still wasn't early enough. please help me work on this, God, because i just missed class again. i am going to fail in many ways if i continue on this path.

please keep my feet from slipping; please be gracious to me as a student, especially in Dogterom's classes. let me find favor with you and with men, not because i'm good, but because You are.

please save me from my mistakes; please transform them into growth and learning and progress. please save me. i'll follow You, God.

amen.

confession

Christ,

you shouldn't be listening to me right now. or, if you are, you should be condemning me to hell, or at least some terrible life. maybe you already have? i don't know. i guess that would make you immanent, huh? doesn't work for me, then.

the reason you shouldn't like me right now is, i don't believe you care what i'm saying. i don't believe any of the words i'm saying really matter to you at all. i don't know why you told us to pray, but whatever the reason was, i don't think i like it very much. something tells me you're misleading me, or playing games with me like a scientist plays with mice in a lab.

Jesus, who are you? what are you doing, telling us to stand in this other world, this spiritual reality? do you expect us to just take it like a child would? seriously, we can't see it. and you're telling us it's more real than this world, that our breath really only comes because you're giving it to us.

absolutely preposterous. i don't believe it.

i wish that i could, though, and God, somehow i hope i can please You, even though i'm such an arrogant, blind scoffer. but what could You possibly hope to accomplish with someone so spiritually poor as me? what use have You for a heart hard as steel? do You even try, with people like me?

i've realized that i don't know You at all, and i don't know how to get to know You. i don't know how. please, please show me. i need to know You.

please.

amen.