i guess it makes sense that you can't just vomit once.
Father,
i have crap. what i've got isn't sufficient. i haven't made the cut. if you removed from me everything that's lame, i'd be nonexistent....
...except for Your Spirit, Your presence, Your work. God, i carry the weight of mishandled relationships (my mishandlings), like broken bones that have already set. maybe You'll have to break them again. maybe this is the next step towards the humility You've been constantly inviting me into in this chapter of my life.
God... i sit here convicted, pretty much ready to do anything. but who knows if that's even enough? who knows if i can Love my "ex-friends" the way i'm supposed to? who knows if this second wind i want to summon is strong enough to bend a blade of grass?
God, just guide me. i don't care if it hurts, or how low i have to bow. i'll squeeze my pride-fattened body (along with all the camels i've been leading around) right through the eye of a needle if it means getting into Your kingdom. or getting Your kingdom, Your authority, into me, i should say.
lastly, for now: thank You for google, God.
amen.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
vomit
two months, 10 days. but i haven't been absent, and neither have You.
no doubt about blessings, God, like Molly and Nancy and Jackie and Jeremy and Jesse and Daniel and Timothy and Andrew P. and Rybarczyk and Morgan and Heuser and Austring and others, near and far. and what about a room of my own, textbooks, money, this laptop, movies, and wisdom? so much to be thankful for, God, it blows me away.
and still these fears: of failure at my job, and in class, and in relationships. in life, really, Father. my fault, isn't it? what can i do now but jump the gap and suffer the consequences? it seems just like BINT270 last semester. i just should have jumped earlier. no more lolly-gagging. it's too hard, scrambling along behind, getting further and further from my goals the more i reach for them.
thank You for already helping me through these few weeks. i am so certain of Your hand in my story. i need to focus on others, but i feel like You and i have work to do before i can fully do that.
i need help, God... with handling Heather, with catching up in classes, with getting that job that i'm so worried about now because of my procrastination. i've got to go to class now, but... i'll be back later.
thanks for rest. and for last night.
stay with me, Father...
amen.
no doubt about blessings, God, like Molly and Nancy and Jackie and Jeremy and Jesse and Daniel and Timothy and Andrew P. and Rybarczyk and Morgan and Heuser and Austring and others, near and far. and what about a room of my own, textbooks, money, this laptop, movies, and wisdom? so much to be thankful for, God, it blows me away.
and still these fears: of failure at my job, and in class, and in relationships. in life, really, Father. my fault, isn't it? what can i do now but jump the gap and suffer the consequences? it seems just like BINT270 last semester. i just should have jumped earlier. no more lolly-gagging. it's too hard, scrambling along behind, getting further and further from my goals the more i reach for them.
thank You for already helping me through these few weeks. i am so certain of Your hand in my story. i need to focus on others, but i feel like You and i have work to do before i can fully do that.
i need help, God... with handling Heather, with catching up in classes, with getting that job that i'm so worried about now because of my procrastination. i've got to go to class now, but... i'll be back later.
thanks for rest. and for last night.
stay with me, Father...
amen.
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