You would.

i see it now. You're doing it on purpose. You know exactly how much i don't depend on You, and exactly how much i depend on me, and You don't like it. You see how mechanical & methodical i am, and You're doing this just to throw me off.

...which means that my "i'm completely freaking out right now" is exactly the response You want.

sometimes i dislike You. right now i think i would rather just disbelieve that it's actually You doing anything to me at all. that way i have no responsibility in the matter, and i don't have to dislike You.

but i have no choice now except to come running to You, begging for mercy. i'm like Valerie being tickled. "eleison! eleison!!!"

well. perhaps You've got me right where You want me. somehow, that isn't encouraging at all.

please help.

amen

identity

Father,

please remind me of who i am.

amen

illumination

Lord,

i am ready to follow You. i'm sure You are aware of how much harder it is to make decisions on my own, as opposed to simply following Your orders. help me; please help me. give me what i need to live right, whatever that is.

i am Yours. save me.

i am not You

Holy Spirit, please touch Valerie's heart, and whisper to her. i rely on You for the health and meaning of every good thing in my life. i release to You any responsibility i've been unwisely keeping to myself; by all means, give me more and more work to do, God, but those things that only You can do, please take them and do beautiful things.

thank You for hearing me, and for not giving up on me. for loving me. please don't give up on us; please bless Valerie deeply.

amen

grace

Lord God,

i don't want to even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had You never claimed it... or had Your claim somehow been revoked at some point. "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." i am blessed beyond what i am capable of realizing.

Your blessings have come in many different ways. sometimes You bless me by convicting me, with a heavy hand; other times, by shaping my thoughts and values to better reflect Yours. sometimes, by giving me the opportunity to bless others; other times, by surrounding me with generous, loving people.

some times You have blessed me by forcibly turning me away from bad to good; other times, from good to better! some times You have blessed me by ruining me; other times, by redeeming the ruin i have wrought myself.

i am blessed when i obey You; i am blessed when i don't, even if it's in different ways. i can't seem to escape You.

in Valerie, and in my relationship with her, and in her relationship with You, i find all of these kinds of blessings, and more. even considering only the blessings that have come to me through her, or through my relationship with her, i cannot thank You enough. but i'm going to act as though i can. so i thank You now, for her mind, for her heart, for her spirit... for her as a whole person. and for the incredible joy of this intimate relationship with her.

may she be blessed as i have been, and may You be pleased by what we do with what you have given us.

amen

God

i need help. please help me.

amen