desires

Father,

I want something I had, something I cannot have, something You gave, something only You can give again. I want it. I have to stop lying. I'm pursuing it, God, in my heart and in my mind, and sometimes in my words.

If this desire is not something I should have right now, then I pray that You would show me that. God, send me some sign that I am on the right track, or if not, then shake this out of me. It is deep, God... and its roots are strong. You'll have to break me harder if it's really going to leave. But I'm asking You to do what You will with me!

You've stirred in me a fire, and a passion. I can neither explain nor contain either one. You have held me and broken me, and You are molding and making me more and more like You (slowly). I want to Love You, to fear You, to draw ever nearer as I worship You. It's what I've come for.

(Thank You for music.)

God, please...! Either I'm doing nothing wrong in this, or there is something I can do better. Please tell me which is true. I want Your will more than I want mine. Llaura is so beautiful, God... every aspect of her draws me. You brought us together! You created something divine, and we were only along for the ride, God.

I know I failed. I did not nurture her as I should have. I take responsibility for my actions, God, both the things I failed to do and the things I did that were unloving. But, God... what is this for?

You know what scares me the most? I am so afraid that she will not heal. I am afraid her heart's been re-shaped, past the point of restoration. I know You can always lead her back to You, God, but what about me? What is going to happen to our relationship? Will we be together again? She says we won't, but she's said many things...

You've said I should Love her. I know that. You've taught me how, God, and You're still teaching me. You wanted me to do this. You were happy for us. It was Your plan all along. Now I am shivering and chattering on that cold, dark train platform.

I will not preach to myself a sermon with no basis. Things do not always happen like they did in similar situations prior. Yet I hold on to stories like Hosea's, and mine. When I think You're crazy, you're actually a genius. When I think there is no hope for healing, You not only heal, you upgrade, just like Your Word said. When I think You are silent, You are weaving a beautiful, moving message for me.

Please weave me a message tomorrow. I love hearing You speak.

Amen.

vision

God,

Your vision is EPIC. I love it. please teach me more, and give me momentum. i want to take this back to my emerging church, God. please prepare the hearts and minds of Your children at clovis Christian for the incredible work You have planned for them.

thank You for being with me, and for Your patience.

amen.