birth

i'm a baby Christian all over again. i can barely digest a verse or two at a time, if that; all of my prayers are supplications; my songs are nothing more than sound waves; in silence and solitude, i'm focused on myself and my problems.

if this Psalmist's heart is Your goal for me, my Lord, then we have a very long journey to make... longer than the 2-3 days between CA and IN; longer than the distance between the dependent me and the independent me; even longer, perhaps, than the miles i've already traveled to get here.

i feel incapable, and far from ready... and only just barely willing. my prayer tonight is that You can still do something with the little i have to give.

thank You for leading me here. i'm sorry for my 21 years of disobedient wandering; i sense that i still have more wandering to do. i'm not sure i even believe in the Promise Land, but i do believe in the cloud and the pillar, so here i am, following. weakly. haltingly. but still following.

please don't leave me.

amen

good intentions

i need You to make Your dreams for me, mine... and then i need You to make them come true for me, as i pursue them. i'm not asking; i'm stating, and more to myself than You, as usual.

what are Your intentions for me? here i am, reminding myself by the hour that i'm Your belonging. well, what do You intend to do with me? is it okay if i'm expecting something more than "well, what do you want to do?" because i'm not sure You should be trusting me with me, yet.

renew my mind... i think this is what You want for me. transform my character. i want this already, but i'm seeing it more clearly. show me Your goal for me, so that i can pursue it.

i am so tired, God. i'm not sure my thoughts make sense right now. please hear my heart anyways.

thank You for good friends, and the character You have-formed / are-forming in them, which glorifies You and blesses me.

thank You for Valerie, and how she reflect to my senses Your otherwise invisible nature.

thank You most of all for claiming me, eight or so years ago. please keep doing that.

amen

vulnerability

i am open even to the judgment of others, God, because i know i deserve no defense. as soon as i begin to protect myself, i've become presumptuous.

Father please make me a humble person, by nature, over time. i invite You to remind me that i prayed this, on this night, in this situation.

amen

deal justly with me. what else would i ever do but accept Your decisions and actions as Good and Right? do what You will in me, with me, for me. i am not afraid of what You might say or do; there's no reason to be. give and take away. i cling tightly to some things, but given the choice between You and everything else i value, i will quickly (yet still painfully) choose You.

my hope is that i won't have to make that choice at all. i think You hope for the same. i hope so.

pointless

God

i feel that this is all a waste of time, that i'm going to fail, and lose everything. i'm terrified. i'm alone. i'm discouraged. i feel that i've been defeated already.

but i can endure all that, i think. for awhile.

i have many needs, many requests... i am so needy... so foolish, so ruined. i've already asked for many things, even in the last few minutes. but in this prayer i'm just asking one this: please touch me. i don't want my idea of God to touch me; i don't want my prayers to change me. i want You to touch me; i want Your grace. if i had to choose between feeling forgiven and being forgiven, i would choose the second without hesitation. i want to to be transformed, by You.

i believe You want this too; but i don't want my belief to save me. i need You to save me. God, please reawaken the desire i once had: the desire, above all else, to please You. i am Yours, only Yours; i belong to Christ. Jesus, please set me free, like that book said You came to do. please let me touch the hem of Your robe. please help me.

amen.

outdoing myself

it seems like a time comes every several months, where i pray this prayer: "i've never needed You more than i do now." it's that time again. thank You for Your gifts to me, and for discipline, and for consequences. thank You for Godly people surrounding me.

help us first to discern the right thing, and secondly to work towards it productively. please help us along the way, so that in the end we can come to the right place.

i desperately, desperately need You. i am willing; i am still Yours.