mind's eye

it seems to be either blind, or getting there.

Jesus of Nazareth,

i know that you existed before all of creation. i know that you were born and raised in the Middle East, and that you proclaimed yourself Messiah, and that you lived and died doing the will of your father, God... Yahweh Himself. i believe in all of this, that what you spoke was truth.

what i don't understand is how your words and your spirit are life, Jesus. i can live without both! i can even succeed without both. why, i could even continue to make people feel special and valued, without your truth. i could continue to use my gifts, without you. i could have a good life, and make life good for others, as well.

this faith that i have... it drives me, but i don't understand it any longer. it's become a weight i carry every day, a depressing set of questions and doubts, instead of a light burden. i seem to be lost in darkness because of my faith in you! this is backwards! it would all be so much easier if i never had to think about spirituality. it would all be so much easier if i could simply subscribe to the naturalist viewpoint. everything would make so much more sense if you weren't here in my head.

you're dragging me down.

i'm just being honest. the lies aren't helping; i can't keep sweeping the dirt under the rug. i'm not even worried so much that other people would find out how lost i am; i've got a big enough problem knowing about it myself!!

i believe all this stuff, but it's like it makes no difference today! you might as well be ignoring the world. Christians follow you because of what they believe about you, not because you speak to them every day. these ideas they have, that's what drives the Christian faith. the Muslims are driven, right? the suicide bombers? who's more driven than that?! but that's obviously not your spirit leading them! so what the heck is your spirit doing?!

bad trees bear good fruit; the Godless live for God; Christians recite your words on television every day, but their voices are hollow and empty and false. everyone's faking it, God, and those who claim they aren't, are simply deceived. they're honest, but not truthful. i know what's really going on here.

your ideas are the true spirit of faith. if someone stamped them all out, that would be the end of Christianity.

as far as i can tell, God, Your Spirit isn't here. our consciences have taken over; our minds have taken over. our ideas and sub-cultural distinctives have taken over. there are no more miracles, no more spiritual experiences. it's all a bunch of chemicals in our brains. it's all the power of the mind.

we work Your will whether You speak it to us today, or not. what is there to a real faith? i used to think it was more than ideas. i've been struggling to find out how it can be more than that, but the more i search, the more disillusioned i become.

to say that you are in a person, Jesus... that's just a figment. it's an illusion. it's an illusion i'm trying desperately to prove true, but i'm failing. i'm failing so miserably.

this is how it is. if you're really watching all this, if you're inside my head right now, you know exactly what's going on. people tell me you're the sort who has a plan. well, i hope you're planning to save me, because i'm dying, and i have found no life in my own searches.

i've googled this for years, God, and after removing the irrelevant results, i'm down to zero.

i don't even know what i would take to change my mind, God. only You know that. i know You're there!! do something. from my perspective, You're completely disconnected from society.

please show Yourself again. i know You came once; i realize it made alot of difference. but i don't see it. i'm losing it all over again, God, this faith that i thought You had given me. why would You do this? and how can i ever go back? everything makes perfect sense without You here. i have no questions when You're gone.

i don't know what to pray for. it wouldn't even matter if i did, now that i know prayer is just a mind-trip, a game we play with ourselves thinking it's real. no more pretend, God... this is too much for me to handle. i will die unless this game ends, and what's left over will be someone else than who i've been and wanted to be.

this is where i'm at, and i know You're big enough, God enough. but frankly, i couldn't care less about the "what can You"s or "what are You"s.

i just want the answer to this:

"what are You doing?"

if the answer is "waiting," then so am i.

if there's more... then lay it on me.

i don't think i can ever stop waiting for You. i've come too far; it's too promising. i'm too close (yet so far).

i need to need You, and be satisfied. fulfilled. i'm missing something.

i am Yours; save me.

zeteo

Your reign, God... that is the kingdom of heaven. Your authority realized. 'but strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' in some ways i've done this, Father, but in other ways, not. please show me what these are so that i can strive even more. please grant me a greater craving for righteousness, that my life might please You more. show me how to make Your authority my first concern. make me Yours, Father.

amen.

echthros

in Matthew 5:43-48, You've told the believers of the first century to agapao enemies, and pray for those who persecute them. this was at a time when their own children were being taken away from them because of their faith. this was when the church was being tortured by the government.

i don't know how to relate. i wish i had someone persecuting me for my faith, so that i could pray for that person. You know who i'm thinking of, Lord... he doesn't bother me anymore. but neither does he worry me anymore. please give me the caring i need to pray for him genuinely, sincerely-- shape my heart so that i can Love him. he scoffs at my faith and my attempts to share it with him, and he takes every opportunity to spit acid at me. he doesn't hurt me, but he hurts himself.

please bless him with the right life-circumstances, so that he can come to life, and put to death the hatred and anger that control him sometimes. please convict him, and show him the error of his ways. please Love him, as You have Loved me, and let him be exposed to who You really are. draw him to You, Father, in a powerful and life-changing way. bless him with the Spirit's voice and touch, to redeem him.

i pray the same for her, because she can't seem to stand on her own. please bless her.

bless him as well, with conviction and Love and Your Spirit, to redeem every corner of his life.

thank You for hearing me and giving me work to do, God. You know how important it is to me, to be useful and to make a difference. i feel as though i'm not bearing any fruit. please prune me and discipline me, and make me fruitful.

amen.

life as a seed

Father...

i am happy, because i haven't followed the advice of the wicked, or taken the path that sinners tread, or sat in the seat of scoffers...
but how can i delight in Your law, meditating on it day and night?
i want to be like a tree planted by a stream of water, yielding fruit in my season, without withering leaves. i want to prosper in all i do.
i don't want to be like the wicked, the chaff that the wind drives away.
i know they won't stand in the judgment, nor will sinners, in the congregation of the righteous;
LORD, watch over the way of the righteous, but let the wicked perish.

i remember reading Proverbs almost every day, God, and not really understanding it, but liking it. i don't know if i was wise even before this, or not... but i would hope that i wasn't, because that would mean that i gained something by reading Your word. i want to believe that it is beneficial, even necessary for my spiritual life! and i know that my spiritual life is not just another compartment, another element of living, but the very source that i depend on for fulfilling my purpose and design.

and then there was the Love chapter; i would insert my name there and measure myself often, asking for help in treating others well. i meditated on that with not just my mind, but my prayers and my actions as well. i don't know how i would have turned out if i hadn't, but today people respond to me as if i were Loving them genuinely and intensely. is it because of who i am? maybe. is who i am because of who You are? probably. i hope so. i want it to be that way.

so tell me what to read next, Father... show me something to focus on, that i can feed on and grow by and measure myself with. i want to experience that again. i'm Yours to mold, if You will teach me how.

Holy Spirit, please be alive in me... don't leave me alone. don't sit still. please do something in me, even if i am not aware of it at the time. this is for Your glory and Your will.

do i really want that? yes... but i guess i also just want to be filled. i know i was meant for this; i know i'm not asking for something You didn't plan on giving anyway. at least, i hope not. everything i've read and been told says You want to fulfill us, not as Your primary concern, but as a purpose of Yours nonetheless. my experiences tell me otherwise. but i'm not even asking for that sort of filling right now. i'm asking You to make me a tree planted by a stream of water, like David said.

somehow, a full life and a heart/mind meditating on Your words go hand-in-hand. please show me how. if i could beg of You anything for this chapter of life, that would be it. that would be number one on my list. i want to want You, as Mick Stott might've said... it's a start. a restart.

i'll be waiting on You...

amen.

full

i'm afraid, because Your words have warned us throughout time to avoid pride and self-security. 'if you think you are standing firm, take care that you don't eat it.' these trips have been kairos for me almost every time.

i'm complacent and slightly depressed this morning, as i have been so many other mornings, and i'm not sure why. i don't understand how/why my heart and mind work this way. it's as if my spiritual appetite is gone when i wake up.

that's so lame... i don't know what to do about it. eating seems like a good idea and a bad idea at the same time. i guess i'll get to my homework.

i don't feel very grateful, God, but know that i wish i could. i wish my heart were full, so i could pour it out on Your feet.

thank You for not... resenting me, or getting rid of me. i know You wouldn't, but it's a scary thought nonetheless.

i'll wait for Your orders.

amen