beginnings

Father,

most amateur intellectuals and philosophers are familiar with this concept. sometimes what seems like an end is really a beginning, and vice versa. well, tomorrow is the end of my break, and the beginning of my workload.

sometime in the past few months was the end of Llaura's romantic involvement with me. when the break was revealed to me, that was the beginning of a new phase in my walk with You. i Love being guided and comforted by You, God, but part of me is still saying that all this could have been accomplished just as well if Llaura had not treated me the way she did. i don't know. it's foolish to reverse-predict alternative futures, i guess, when each moment has the potential to begin leading a person down one of a thousand different roads.

these are my thoughts, God, and though they may not be spiritual or Right or wise, they are honest and sincere.

i believe it was wrong for Llaura to pursue Jeremiah instead of me, and i believe that we would still have a committed Rrrrelationship if she had not made that choice. i believe that her act of shutting down communication between us was also wrong, and that many problems would have been solved if she had not broken away from me in that way.

i've already told You and Llaura both how sorry & repentant i am concerning my foolish habits, and twisted perception of sacrifice, and plain old pride. i have changed; You know that, God. You see inside me. You've watched my heart and my mind and my actions, and sustained all three. i know it's been You at work this past month, God. i am grateful and awed and inspired by You.

but at the same time, i feel like i'm being jacked by You. i had faith, and hope, and Love for Llaura and i. i never gave up. i haven't given up yet. she says there's still a seed of hope. it's like torture, God, like having my heart suspended by a spiderweb over a lake of fire. i am so desparate for Your miracle, God. i know You have miraculous things planned, because You're the kind of God who really enjoys miracles. You love to transcend mere possiblities. i've seen You do amazing things before, things only You can do.

please do this one thing, God. restore Llaura's Llllove for me. please.

nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done. above everything else, God, Your plan, Your way, and Your desires. it just seems to me like this would be Your desire as well as mine.

i can't believe that Llaura is in a better position now, than she could have been had You continued to teach us Love together.

if a cord of three strands is not easily broken, does that mean it's not easily mended, either?

i am so ready to begin again, God. please help me to be patient as i wait for Your move.

and it is truly Your move, God, for i am only a distant voice to her, now. she hides inside her fortress of fear, doubt, confusion, and You know what else. God, please humble me even more than You have, as i follow Your lead in this situation. i'm following Your lead. please restrain my hand when i am too jumpy, and urge me forward when it comes time to speak out or act.

and for Llaura, God, i pray that You bless her in surprising and exciting and intense ways. create a new spirit in her that knows Your voice, and follows it faithfully. please mold her and make her pleasing to You, just as You're currently doing with me. please tell me if there's anything i can do for her.

i Love You, Dad.

amen.