intercession

God,

i'm still praying for her.

first and foremost, God, i pray that You would restore Your relationship with her. that's the most important thing. she said she had been starving for that worship on Sunday. she said she would really appreciate it if i kept her accountable. i will still do that...

...but that doesn't really jive with the letter i wrote her.

i can't abandon her. i can't leave her.

but don't i have to? look what she's doing to me! how can i accomplish anything underneath this weight? isn't this relationship unhealthy enough that i should be getting out of it? but what kind of friend deserts the friend he professes to Love?

or, i could say it this way: how many cheeks and cloaks do i have left? how many miles left on this road?

okay, God... if rationale and reasoning can help me at all, please clear my mind right now. i am being hurt daily, moment by moment, by the attitude and actions of Llaura. i am willing to endure all this pain, but only if there's a purpose. there has to be a good reason for what i'm doing.

if i leave her now, it will benefit me, and it will be what she wants. but she sad she doesn't want me to leave. but everything she's doing says she would rather not be with me in any way. what do You want, God?

You want us to live in community.

is this a 1 step back, 2 steps forward thing? this is supposed to be all about Your glory, or so i'm told. how are You being glorified, except by my time with You?

You think i will not be as close to You if You let her heart soften for me.

You're preparing me for something.

i wish i knew what You were doing in her life, and how. i'd like to help, not hinder that. maybe You want me to re-commit to You. You don't want this to be a fling. You know i'll always come back, but You don't want me to leave, because You Love me.

alright, God. i don't like the bargaining feel of this, but i know i'm making the right decision, at least, and if You're trying to teach me to commit to You in good and bad times, then this is what You want. i will make a new commitment, to speak with You about everything, including anything that draws my attention or time or energy. it'll be like a journal that You can read, i which i am completely open and honest about everything.

i will also commit to hearing Your voice. in good times, i'll look for ways to spread Your name around, accomplish Your goals, and pretty much find uses for my time and thought and energy that will please You.

i will commit to worshipping You with my own voice, as well as leading others to do so. i'll need Your Spirit every step of that path, God.

one of the heaviest weights in my life right now is my laziness. i'm a sluggard; a fool for sleep and rest and just enjoying the company of my self and my comforts. i do my playing first and my work last. forgive me, God, though i don't deserve it, and please help me change. help me be like the ant, Father.

this was supposed to be about You and Llaura. here's my biggest request yet, God:

draw her to You.

draw her close enough to smell Your perfume, close enough to taste Your goodness, close enough to hear Your whispers, close enough to touch Your scars, close enough to see Your tears.

and then, God, make her like You. transform her mind, and her heart, and her soul, to magnify and reflect the essnce of You. show her Life, Love, Laughter, Celebration, Healing, Joy, Peace, and all those things that You are.

may my words be only a conduit for Your message to her.

may Your guidance come to Llaura in a very firm and gentle way.

please touch her, and do something powerfully life-changing inside her.

please prepare her for the next step, whatever that may be.

i trust You, God, for Your miracles are wonderful, too wonderful for me to predict or understand. i have faith that Your work is always Masterwork. please don't leave Llaura in her faithless state.

please teach her, and me, and correct us where we're wrong.

i Love You, God. forgive me for not pursuing You like this before, and deepen the hunger and thirst even more, because for You, God, the hunger feels good.

the hunger IS good.

You're... the Perfect One, God. i'm sorry i don't have better words.

please draw her to You tomorrow, and the next day.

take over me, so that i can be You to her.

amen.