miracles

God,

i guess sometimes Your miracles are like fireworks, and other times they're like glitches in the Matrix. this one was the glitch kind, except when You change stuff it's a good change, like working out a bug in reality. it was pretty subtle. You actually did alot of cool stuff, so it was lots of fixed glitches, but they were hard to see from that train platform. it was very dark.

in a way, it's still very dark. but having come through darkness before, i trust You to lead me out of this valley. i'm really wondering where You're taking me, though. i know it's a green pasture with still waters, but... what was wrong with the green pastures and still waters of yesterday?

i think that's a faithless, disrepectful question, but i have to be honest here, God. i can't pretend i'm genetically holy or something. truthfully: i doubt that what You are leading me into is going to be as good, let alone better, than what i had before. i know You give and take away, but i don't like that You took this away.

and there's that thought that it wasn't You at all, but if it was You who gave it, wasn't it You who took it away? and why can't i have it? why am i so selfish?

i want her to be happy, but i also want what's "fair" for me. i feel like i missed the sermon on this one, but... God, it all feels wrong. i wish i could say i knew it was. all i know right now is that You're in charge, and You don't seem to be helping the situation.

i've been telling people that they can't see God unless they look for Him. i've been looking for good signs, and i don't see any. i'm looking really hard.

this is what's happening: Llaura is totally shutting me out. she won't be honest, or open, and even though she says she trusts me, she won't tell me what You've been up to in her life. i know that that's the most important factor, here. why won't she tell me? just because she isn't close to me doesn't mean i'm far from her. and i never betrayed her trust, in any way, so that's not the reason, but... God, it hurt so much to hear that she wasn't comfortable sharing it.

she made the choice to give up. God, what are You doing???

thanks for the entire Vanguard experience. i love it here.

i am waiting, God. i am still waiting for You. but how can i know that You're in control of the situation? how can i know that You'll lead us back together? what will happen if You don't? am i supposed to live with this pain forever? are You going to keep that spider strand from breaking, only to let me roast over that lake of fire?

i am so faithless, God. i don't think i even have that mustard seed. all i have is this feeble, human, mortal hope that she'll come back, that she'll change her mind. i don't know what to feel or think or say or do. help me. please.

amen.