wronged

YAHWEH

You know exactly how i feel, because You went through it, Yourself. You had a covenant promise with Israel, and they betrayed it. They worshipped other gods, because they got tired of waiting or they didn't like Your style or they forgot about You. The most prevalent analogy for them in the Old Testament is that of a bride. Therefore, when they sinned like that, the analogy was adultery/promiscuity.

i know that You know how it feels to be sinned against like that. That knowledge helps, some. i'm not worthy of worship; that's not what i am implying. i only mean to say that i've been betrayed by someone who had a covenant with me. she had her reasons- i was becoming unattractive, another guy was becoming attractive, whatever- but there is no justification for something like that. Excuses, yes. Reasons, the reasonable kind? No.

So this morning i woke up and thought about how sleepy i was, and how angry at myself i was for staying up late, and only giving myself four hours of sleep, and i was reminded of Llaura, as tends to happen daily. i still feel wronged. i cannot get that mental vomit feeling out of me. i am not holding a grudge. i am not unwilling to forgive, but... God, she won't even admit what she did! She says she's sorry for hurting me. That's not an apology; that's the admission of a feeling. Who knows if the feeling is guilt, and if it is, what is she feeling guilty about?

i want to forgive her, God. i don't want this wronged feeling anymore. Can You take it away? Is it possible that it could just vanish at Your command, even without an apology from her? It doesn't seem right, yet it seems the only option. How can i possibly forgive her when she has so much selfishness and pride?

i know that You died for our forgiveness, but i'm not really sure where the forgiveness part comes in. Did You forgive everyone when You were on the cross, or did that only make it possible for You to forgive us? i mean, do You forgive people before they ask for forgiveness? i don't think You do. i'm not certain, but what i've been taught and what i've seen says You don't forgive someone until they ask You to.

But You're always ready and waiting, so that's what i'll be. i guess this is just another matter of patience, faith, hope, and love. i have to wait for her, some more.

Well, she's been patient with me, before. She only waited a few months before secretly ending the relationship, but i will not make the same mistakes she did. Maybe this is a test for me. Maybe this is a test, to see how much i love her.

i've studied, God. i'm ready for this one. It's going to require a little heaven on earth, in the form of divine patience on my part, but i know that You will enable me to do it.

It makes sense that this would be a test. That will probably be my foremost thought for awhile. i wish i could know if my inductive reasoning is worth putting faith in, in these kinds of situations.

So i've professed to Love Llaura, and now You're going to use this whole thing to call me on it. This is to see that i wasn't bluffing when i said "forever." This is my Isaac.

It was never recorded, but i think Abraham asked (in his own mind, of course), "Why in the world would God ask me to sacrifice my own son?! Lord, You gave him to me, and now you're asking me to kill him?!" But You didn't kill him. Your angel stopped Abraham before any damage had been done. That was a test of Abraham's faith, and he passed. i want to pass, too.

i will pass.

i guess i feel betrayed by You as well, God, but that feeling will hopefully fade as i get to know You better. Already, the thought of You betraying me goes completely against my theology.

Please help me transfer my theology from my head, to my heart, to my life.

Amen.