questions

God, Great Mystery,

are You more interested in my company, or my discipline? should i be focused more on growing and learning, or on being with You? if i am to glorify You, don't i have to come to a deeper understanding and discipline? but i am trying, and i feel like it's impossible. i feel like i'm being held back a grade, because i missed something fundamental.

i am missing something fundamental. that's what it seems like. i mean, i've been learning things and all, but i don't feel like i'm a better person. i don't feel like i'm growing in my faith. maybe i should chart my growth?

i'm definitely more concerned with Your will than i was a few years ago. i think i am understanding the characteristics of Love better, even if i haven't Loved very well. i've discovered things about the importance of community, and what You are, and i better understand the nature of my humanity. i learn the same things over and over, through different situations. i have made some improvements.

but i feel like i need to be fixed. i thought that feeling was supposed to be taken care of when i was made new. when You brought my soul back to Life, wasn't that supposed to change something? the biggest difference is how strongly i believe in You.

and where are You, God? which things are from You, and which are not? how do You move today? how do i tell the difference between a good feeling and a moving of the Spirit? how do i discern good thoughts from God thoughts?

is it Scripture, only? or other things, too? why do i feel like i don't understand Scripture? sometimes i think the heavens open, and other times i feel like i'm only half-conscious.

okay, here's a thought: usually i read the bible as if doing homework. every day i go to class (devoted life 101) and get questions wrong and fail tests, and sometimes say or do something that makes You smile. i like gold stars. but then i leave You, and go somewhere alone and try to understand Your words. maybe i should be calling the Professor and asking for help with the material. i don't think i can understand anything very well without Your help.

so here goes.