the other

Lord,

my role in life should not have changed. i am struggling to maintain a sense of direction in the midst of many uncertainties and unresolved matters, and despite the way certain foundational elements are morphing weirdly. but i want to be Yours still, serving, selfless-- not destroying or sacrificing self, necessarily, but putting it to best use.

therefore, in this matter of a difficult friendship that does not make sense to me: please help me do things that make sense. please make me an instrument of peace, kindness, joy, beauty, growth, or whatever the hell i'm supposed to be, because most of the time nowadays, i really have no clue.

please help me serve lovingly. please help me do well.

amen

dragons

Father,

please bless my sister, who contends not with flesh and blood. please make her heart & mind more fully Yours and hers.

amen

weaving

Father

something shook me yesterday, and the echoes today are bothering me. i want to know what You think i should do about them.

i am making my own decisions and becoming different now. i want to be guided, but not a sheep; at least not any person's sheep. i want to follow wisely, not blindly. i don't know exactly what choices i need to make, but i will keep listening.

please deal gently with me. i want to follow.

amen

mindfulness

Lord,

please help me have a better attitude and mindset toward my parents.
and please help me to understand how i should feel about ghost.

i am Yours

hääletu palve

Father

please send Spirit to be with me as i swim, sink, and tread water in these oceans of feelings. i am Yours and no one else's, not even my own.

i am yours; save me

this present darkness

LORD

i'm panicking. please help me, please save me, please don't let me be completely destroyed. please make a way to restore me and restore my relationships. i beg Your grace; i beg Your mercy and kindness and longsuffering and healing. i beg You to rescue me from my sins. i beg You to keep me from darkness and danger. i beg You to grant me a life that pleases You.

though i'm terrified, i will be so bold as to ask even for the favor of men (and women). i want good things for them, and i want to be one source of those good things. i want to be not only trustworthy but trusted as well. i want to be faithful and known as faithful. i want Your blessing and i know i can't earn that from You, but i will work to get it and to keep it, if that's what You require of me.

please help me discern with wisdom the right paths through the murky morass of deception and lies and slander and fear and anger and betrayal. please help me to be a good influence. please help me to bring peace rather than war. please help me to heal and not harm. please help me to do the right thing and to say the right things when i need to apologize or confess or both. please help me fight my past; please help me throw off the darkness that clings to me and hinders me and seeks to end my life.

please help LORD. abba, i need You more than ever

amen

fear and sorrow

Father

their grip is iron. i can't discern whether they are useful or harmful or neither, but i know which of those prayer is, so here i am.

it's backwards. normally i feel like this earlier, and gradually improve. everything is thrown off and i don't know how to deal. maybe it's transition. or maybe just biochemical. i guess what matters most is that i'm here.

i find Your words less comforting than usual as i ride this emotional wave (or trough). i know them to be true but they are not painkillers. they are anchors.

perhaps i am putting too much of this on myself, and not giving You enough room to move. in the past Your word has usually felt like an even greater struggle than "worship music," because at least i can feel through those (and they are far more man-made). but the implanted word, which has the power to save our souls, i accept meekly with [often] no benefit that i can find.

the only thing i have not yet done is maintained a weeks-long (or longer) commitment to take it in. perhaps it is like exercise, and needs two months minimum to sink in.

trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

i will try. please help me. please help me wake up.

amen

devotion

things are different now. not as much as i'd like, but closer to what i intend. and closer to what You desire, i hope. i want it to be real. and i want it to be lasting.

please don't give up, or stop calling me. please keep inviting me. please bring me closer. please help me; i need You. i need You. i need You.

please help me grow.

amen

i'm in it deep

Lord

i feel i'm in desperate need of guidance. if not, then please help me weather the internal storms. if so, then please provide quickly and decisively.

i am Yours and no one else's.

Your word on it

eternal Word

i'm a sinful and selfish coward. i know this because i'm bombarded with sinful selfish cowardly ideas all day long, and they aren't from Satan, and i'm not demon-possessed, and they aren't audible. so they must be coming from me.

i also know it because i'm about to forsake one of my highest values, and i don't yet know why.

therefore, i must have Your word on this matter. i am convinced that if i do not have it, then i will be leaning on my own understanding in the most biblical sense. i want to trust, but i must know what to trust first.

i will wait for Your word. i do not yet know how long i will wait, but i will ask again in about a month, at the end of August. if You have spoken and i have heard by then, i will act. if not, i will either act or wait longer. this plan seems to lack simplicity, but even Occam gets it wrong sometimes, right?

the wait will be extremely painful and difficult. please help me to endure, and make me stronger all the while.

help me worship and please You, because i suck at it.

amen

Father, 1x1x1, Perichoresis,

please restore my family. please touch my brother's heart. please touch my sister's heart.

amen

Father

please touch my family.

i pray specifically for my brother Jesse, for his heart and attitude. i pray You help him realize some of the same things You've helped me realize. i pray You would teach him an attitude of love, and not just a behavior. i pray You would teach him love that changes the way he talks about people when they're not around.

Jesus, please pray for him. Holy Spirit, please intercede for him.

amen

if you could influence me in just one area, which area would it be, and what would be your goal?

if you could influence me in just one area, which area would it be, and what would be your goal?

Answer here

unceasing

God please hear me! please help me! i am seeking. i am knocking. i am asking. i am desperate. i am weak, poor, broken, ready for any blessing from any source. i feel i'm being torn in two. my life is starting to crumble. i need You to please do something. i don't care what it is as long as You are the One to do it. i am trusting You with everything in my life when i say, do what You will. take away what You don't like; show me what to replace it with. i can handle it. burn me alive if i displease You. remake something better from the dust leftover.

i can accept the natural consequences of my bad choices, and my wrong choices, though i may not know what those are right now. i can accept the way this world works, the way people sometimes reap the fruits of evil whether or not they planted those seeds. i haven't been a perfect sower, but i know that because of You i have planted some good seeds. may i see the fruits of those? why wouldn't You want to multiply them? will You not grant my request for something good, something You want?

give me just one talent to invest, God, and with Your help i will use it to make another. i will not plant it in the ground. give me an opportunity to make You happy with the way i run my kingdom. give me a chance for redemption. i so desperately desire things that i believe You also desire. i am willing to do what it takes; if You wish it, i will give up what i have held on to so tightly. You need only ask, and i will respond. what is it i must do?

should i simply give in to everything? i've expressed great confidence in my ability to endure pain and suffering. is that my task? should i eat my words? if i really am fearless, enduring, strong, should i submit myself for torture and abuse, so that i carry both shares of the damage done? i will do it if that is the answer, Lord! i'm ready. but i need to know that it's right. what does it mean to be subject to one another out of reverence for You? what does it mean to nourish and tenderly care for, when the one being cared for is attacking you? my own flesh is set against me! my house is bitterly divided, and crashing.

whatever it means, Lord, teach me. i will do it!! just grant me a chance to remain loyal to the Word, which was and is and should always be Your self-revelation to me. i have been discouraged to the point of giving up on hearing You, but i am willing to try again. i am willing to trust again, if only a little at a time. maybe You will grow it where i failed to do so.

and what am i to do with this desire to show her her own sin? can i be trusted to handle that well? how can i live like this? i am beaten down constantly. i don't know if i trust You to save me as soon as i feel i need to be saved. i don't think You will always protect me from harm. in fact, i know that You won't. so i come back to my original question: am i to submit myself to torture and abuse, as You did to save us? will my sacrifice be worth it? will it accomplish anything?

if it will, then please tell me, and i will do it. please tell me. i am begging for a word from You. what should i do? i have a tenuous grip on Your Word, Lord. my fingertips claw at the edge of the cliff, and i don't remember the last time i stood on solid ground. i need understanding and guidance. why won't You guide me?

i don't understand the purpose of this suffering, God. i see it as pointless. i have become like one of those for whom i am unwilling to pray. they are born, they suffer, they die. i see them and feel lucky for this life i have, but now i think i am much the same as they are. will You abandon me to suffer and die? it isn't enough for me to obey. i need Your help, else i have been reborn just to suffer and die.

i need You to act. i need You to speak and breathe life into my dying world. i can't live like this. tell me what i am to do; help me do it; do what i can't. touch her, even through me. help me to know when to speak, and what to say. i need that, God. help me to know when to speak, and what to say.

please don't let this be broken forever. please save us. please redeem us. i repent of my choice to let discouragement call the shots. You see me crawling, don't You? You see me seeking? You know my desperate heart. You know how my faith struggles for every breath, how the veil separates me from Your presence. i make a commitment now to do what i can to find You and keep You and remain in You. i pray that You meet me along that path, because i cannot finish the journey otherwise.

i'm not even sure i know what all of this means. i still don't know what to do. i feel a little better for talking to You, but it remains to be seen whether my prayers will avail me at all. i am leaning on Something i cannot feel, and that makes me angry. i feel betrayed. i feel let go. i feel like You have left me to fend for myself. i need something, God, anything. grant me any small grace and i will praise You for it. anything. the smallest blessing in this would give me hope. please be my hope, Jesus.

war

one step forward, two back. as we fall slide down this spiral toward ruin, i pray more and more for redemption. what is the key? what will fix everything? write it out for me. i don't understand what is happening. i don't know what to do. i can't solve this problem myself.

please do anything. please do something tangible. i wait on You. until then, i'm floundering in the dark. i wait on You. tell me what to do. reach down, reach inside, let Your shadow pass over my home, show Your back as You walk by... anything Lord.

i wait on You. please save me before this war claims me.

no one else

You are my only hope right now. i want to depend on You for something good, anything good, anything from You. anything. give me anything at all. give me pain; if it's from You, i will accept it. i will wait.

i am Yours; save me.

i'm not adequate. i do not lack resolve, or will... but i'm so discouraged. please help me. will it always be like this? it isn't fair. am i supposed to learn? grow? be faithful? what?

please help me to be humble. i am committed. help me to grow in my committment.

amen

i need You

i'm so done. God help me.

i feel attacked. and i fight so hard to end the fighting. it doesn't even make any sense. i don't care if i win. i care if she understands. i almost always understand her; she often misunderstands me, and when she does so, i can't do anything. i'm being attacked for trying to help!!!

please please please help her to not be like this.