if you could influence me in just one area, which area would it be, and what would be your goal?

if you could influence me in just one area, which area would it be, and what would be your goal?

Answer here

unceasing

God please hear me! please help me! i am seeking. i am knocking. i am asking. i am desperate. i am weak, poor, broken, ready for any blessing from any source. i feel i'm being torn in two. my life is starting to crumble. i need You to please do something. i don't care what it is as long as You are the One to do it. i am trusting You with everything in my life when i say, do what You will. take away what You don't like; show me what to replace it with. i can handle it. burn me alive if i displease You. remake something better from the dust leftover.

i can accept the natural consequences of my bad choices, and my wrong choices, though i may not know what those are right now. i can accept the way this world works, the way people sometimes reap the fruits of evil whether or not they planted those seeds. i haven't been a perfect sower, but i know that because of You i have planted some good seeds. may i see the fruits of those? why wouldn't You want to multiply them? will You not grant my request for something good, something You want?

give me just one talent to invest, God, and with Your help i will use it to make another. i will not plant it in the ground. give me an opportunity to make You happy with the way i run my kingdom. give me a chance for redemption. i so desperately desire things that i believe You also desire. i am willing to do what it takes; if You wish it, i will give up what i have held on to so tightly. You need only ask, and i will respond. what is it i must do?

should i simply give in to everything? i've expressed great confidence in my ability to endure pain and suffering. is that my task? should i eat my words? if i really am fearless, enduring, strong, should i submit myself for torture and abuse, so that i carry both shares of the damage done? i will do it if that is the answer, Lord! i'm ready. but i need to know that it's right. what does it mean to be subject to one another out of reverence for You? what does it mean to nourish and tenderly care for, when the one being cared for is attacking you? my own flesh is set against me! my house is bitterly divided, and crashing.

whatever it means, Lord, teach me. i will do it!! just grant me a chance to remain loyal to the Word, which was and is and should always be Your self-revelation to me. i have been discouraged to the point of giving up on hearing You, but i am willing to try again. i am willing to trust again, if only a little at a time. maybe You will grow it where i failed to do so.

and what am i to do with this desire to show her her own sin? can i be trusted to handle that well? how can i live like this? i am beaten down constantly. i don't know if i trust You to save me as soon as i feel i need to be saved. i don't think You will always protect me from harm. in fact, i know that You won't. so i come back to my original question: am i to submit myself to torture and abuse, as You did to save us? will my sacrifice be worth it? will it accomplish anything?

if it will, then please tell me, and i will do it. please tell me. i am begging for a word from You. what should i do? i have a tenuous grip on Your Word, Lord. my fingertips claw at the edge of the cliff, and i don't remember the last time i stood on solid ground. i need understanding and guidance. why won't You guide me?

i don't understand the purpose of this suffering, God. i see it as pointless. i have become like one of those for whom i am unwilling to pray. they are born, they suffer, they die. i see them and feel lucky for this life i have, but now i think i am much the same as they are. will You abandon me to suffer and die? it isn't enough for me to obey. i need Your help, else i have been reborn just to suffer and die.

i need You to act. i need You to speak and breathe life into my dying world. i can't live like this. tell me what i am to do; help me do it; do what i can't. touch her, even through me. help me to know when to speak, and what to say. i need that, God. help me to know when to speak, and what to say.

please don't let this be broken forever. please save us. please redeem us. i repent of my choice to let discouragement call the shots. You see me crawling, don't You? You see me seeking? You know my desperate heart. You know how my faith struggles for every breath, how the veil separates me from Your presence. i make a commitment now to do what i can to find You and keep You and remain in You. i pray that You meet me along that path, because i cannot finish the journey otherwise.

i'm not even sure i know what all of this means. i still don't know what to do. i feel a little better for talking to You, but it remains to be seen whether my prayers will avail me at all. i am leaning on Something i cannot feel, and that makes me angry. i feel betrayed. i feel let go. i feel like You have left me to fend for myself. i need something, God, anything. grant me any small grace and i will praise You for it. anything. the smallest blessing in this would give me hope. please be my hope, Jesus.

war

one step forward, two back. as we fall slide down this spiral toward ruin, i pray more and more for redemption. what is the key? what will fix everything? write it out for me. i don't understand what is happening. i don't know what to do. i can't solve this problem myself.

please do anything. please do something tangible. i wait on You. until then, i'm floundering in the dark. i wait on You. tell me what to do. reach down, reach inside, let Your shadow pass over my home, show Your back as You walk by... anything Lord.

i wait on You. please save me before this war claims me.

no one else

You are my only hope right now. i want to depend on You for something good, anything good, anything from You. anything. give me anything at all. give me pain; if it's from You, i will accept it. i will wait.

i am Yours; save me.

i'm not adequate. i do not lack resolve, or will... but i'm so discouraged. please help me. will it always be like this? it isn't fair. am i supposed to learn? grow? be faithful? what?

please help me to be humble. i am committed. help me to grow in my committment.

amen

i need You

i'm so done. God help me.

i feel attacked. and i fight so hard to end the fighting. it doesn't even make any sense. i don't care if i win. i care if she understands. i almost always understand her; she often misunderstands me, and when she does so, i can't do anything. i'm being attacked for trying to help!!!

please please please help her to not be like this.

joy

i find these things elusive: love, peace, joy, rest, affection. Lord, please hear me tonight as i try not to complain too much. i know i'm a broken record. please don't get tired of me too quickly...

amen

mirrors

Lord

when the time comes, remind me that i prayed this prayer: make me humble.

i belong to You; i'm pledged to You. i fail most of the time; i'm inadequate for this task of living life well; i'm not a good Lover. please remind me that i prayed this prayer, when the time comes. help me listen carefully for Your whisper.

please make me a good mirror; please work in her heart and eyes, so that she can make good decisions about her own character and personality. please help her make good decisions about our relationship.

amen

i need Your help. i can't just think this through and fix it like that. i need You. please help me...

rest

Father,

please teach me how, and when, and why to rest.

amen

You're sort of like a janitor.

Father

please bless Valerie with clarity of mind and the emotional energy she needs to make this day a good one.

amen

Jesus Christ, my Lord, LORD of all, please hear me.

there is nothing i want more, than Your will. i'm not very good at discerning it, perhaps, which is why i'm praying now. that, and we need Your miracles. do You still do that kind of thing??

my past and present and future with Valerie are all at stake. if this matters to You, please help... or if there's something else i should be seeking, then please point it out to me somehow.

i'm waiting on You, and doing what i can in the meantime. if i need to wait, please tell me to wait. if i need to keep hacking away at this monster, then please strengthen and encourage me inwardly. if i should be cutting lines and dumping cargo and bailing, then please give me a sign. help me to think clearly and guide my emotions. help me to do what You want. i'm after Your heart; my will is Yours to shape. my goal and my method are Yours. my whole life belongs to You, God. i am Yours.

i am Yours... save me...

amen.

faith

i feel sorry for so-called "faith-healers" most of the time, God; sometimes i'm even amused by them. but this is a serious matter, and suddenly i have neither laughter nor pity. i need Your help.

please... if her faith is well-placed, then help me place mine, as well. i know my life is a very small, temporary thing; i know my world is only the tiniest speck compared to Your world; but i also believe that You care about my world, genuinely and deeply.

please answer my prayers somehow... please be with me. please be with us. please be at work in us. please give me what i need to live right; please make me wise in this situation. please guide me in this relationship. please guide my life.

in Christ's merciful name
amen

help

Father,

please reassure me somehow, or strengthen me, or something... let me know that this will end well. please let me know that Your will is being accomplished somehow. please help me.

in Christ's saving name
amen

Mondays

Lord,

be Lord of my heart as well, and teach me to serve and honor You with my heart.

amen

murmurs of an ontological absurdity

God,

for a moment, i felt i should change the name of this blog to something more accurate. but then i realized that being a crappy doxologist doesn't make me not one.

if i had died on July 7th, would i have gone to relationship hell? or perhaps there's a relationship purgatory. that would be ironic, too, if the judge who would decide my final destiny was the same person i wronged. but i guess that's the way it really is, with heaven and hell... but the extra irony is that in order to get into relationship heaven, you have to have a good relationship with the judge of your relationship with the judge.

that sucks if you died while violating that relationship, because the judge is very biased, and you most likely go to hell.

but for some reason i got put sort of on the fence between purgatory and heaven. that's an awkward place to be, as You probly know, and i'm wondering if maybe You can help me get off of it. maybe You can speak to the judge for me, even... please?

i don't want to be on probation, and i don't want my right actions/choices to be cheapened by being counted as penance instead of good fruit. i don't want to be defined by only my actions. i don't want to have the second-best relationship of my life, as a result of my ruining the first-best one i 'could have' had.

it's true that i have ruined. but it's also true that You have redeemed, and that should effing count for something. i realize that we cannot be as loving or forgiving or redeeming or understanding as You, God, but please, please let us just barely touch the hem. even then we would be healed. just a quick touch. just Your back, as You pass. just have Your shadow pass over us.

Father God, please redeem where i have ruined. and please don't hold back.

amen

submission

Lord,

i submit to You my heart & mind, not as a servant seeking to obey, but as a fallen, ruined man seeking to be restored. i seek healing; i seek a cure for anger, a cure for arrogance, a cure for sloth.

would it be too much to ask, for some sign that these struggles are Your doing? ...or if not, then at least time-tested and God-approved? life is only becoming harder and more complex. i finish one task, only to be given three more.

i've pledged myself to You in obedience, and now You're working me to death. through death unto abundant life, i hope. please give me a sign that this is Your path; smile on me. please.

renew my heart.

thank You for the blessing that Valerie is to me, in many ways. help me receive her. help me to bless her, tangibly... visibly. Lord help me love her truly, deeply, wholly, consistently. let my love be made pure and strong and effective.

i am still Yours. save me.

amen

for the church

Father, please bless Your church with gifted leadership... and bless Valerie's life with wise choices and opportunities to please You.

amen