You would.

i see it now. You're doing it on purpose. You know exactly how much i don't depend on You, and exactly how much i depend on me, and You don't like it. You see how mechanical & methodical i am, and You're doing this just to throw me off.

...which means that my "i'm completely freaking out right now" is exactly the response You want.

sometimes i dislike You. right now i think i would rather just disbelieve that it's actually You doing anything to me at all. that way i have no responsibility in the matter, and i don't have to dislike You.

but i have no choice now except to come running to You, begging for mercy. i'm like Valerie being tickled. "eleison! eleison!!!"

well. perhaps You've got me right where You want me. somehow, that isn't encouraging at all.

please help.

amen

identity

Father,

please remind me of who i am.

amen

illumination

Lord,

i am ready to follow You. i'm sure You are aware of how much harder it is to make decisions on my own, as opposed to simply following Your orders. help me; please help me. give me what i need to live right, whatever that is.

i am Yours. save me.

i am not You

Holy Spirit, please touch Valerie's heart, and whisper to her. i rely on You for the health and meaning of every good thing in my life. i release to You any responsibility i've been unwisely keeping to myself; by all means, give me more and more work to do, God, but those things that only You can do, please take them and do beautiful things.

thank You for hearing me, and for not giving up on me. for loving me. please don't give up on us; please bless Valerie deeply.

amen

grace

Lord God,

i don't want to even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had You never claimed it... or had Your claim somehow been revoked at some point. "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." i am blessed beyond what i am capable of realizing.

Your blessings have come in many different ways. sometimes You bless me by convicting me, with a heavy hand; other times, by shaping my thoughts and values to better reflect Yours. sometimes, by giving me the opportunity to bless others; other times, by surrounding me with generous, loving people.

some times You have blessed me by forcibly turning me away from bad to good; other times, from good to better! some times You have blessed me by ruining me; other times, by redeeming the ruin i have wrought myself.

i am blessed when i obey You; i am blessed when i don't, even if it's in different ways. i can't seem to escape You.

in Valerie, and in my relationship with her, and in her relationship with You, i find all of these kinds of blessings, and more. even considering only the blessings that have come to me through her, or through my relationship with her, i cannot thank You enough. but i'm going to act as though i can. so i thank You now, for her mind, for her heart, for her spirit... for her as a whole person. and for the incredible joy of this intimate relationship with her.

may she be blessed as i have been, and may You be pleased by what we do with what you have given us.

amen

God

i need help. please help me.

amen

trials

Lord,

i'm experiencing victories; i'm more and more vulnerable to You and Your touch as the days go by, as trials come and i am put to the test over and over again. You know i'm grateful.

but i am tired of being attacked. i am tired of these memories, these images, these appetites, these obsessions. i am growing confident in battle, but i am so tired of fighting. i have progress but not peace. i have healing but i'm still in pain. how long will i be suffering this way?

why can my life not be wholly new? why can You not simply wipe clean my heart and mind, and make me innocent and naive again? this thorn is alive; it twists and digs, and i pull it out and toss it away, but it finds me again... and i immediately tear it out, in obedience to you, yet it returns.

please help me...

amen

abundantly

Spirit,

please bear good fruit in me abundantly. help me be patient, gentle, kind, loving. i want to love like you do. thank you for hearing me; thank you for saving me. please don't leave me unfinished. please don't leave this, us, unfinished. Lord, we are Yours.

amen.

kairos

Lord,

i am too impatient-- if not emotionally, then mentally. i'm peeking at chapters ahead too often. i'm focusing so much on the future... it's as if the present is only the means. how much can i be blamed, or how much should i be ashamed, for not enjoying the present?

help me to live now; not only to lay the foundation for later, but because now matters.

amen

Lord,

will You provide for us?

please bless Valerie's rest tonight. grant her just the right amount of confidence and caution, and let her find success in pursuit of things that please You and honor You.

amen

relationship

God,

You call me out. i'm intensely grateful, and immeasurably blessed, by Your heavy hand, pushing me underwater until i can't breathe anymore. and when i finally release what little breath i have, and give myself to death, You share Your breath with me, and i'm more alive than when i began.

hallelujah...

amen.

dreams

Father,

You know my dreams. if i'm to simply wait on You, please help my patience and understanding; if i'm to work harder, please spur me on towards good works; if there's something You would have me do to prepare for the future, or if there's something important i need to learn before we turn the page, please show it to me. i'm waiting.

please give Valerie patience as well... but not too much.

amen

devotion

"be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

i need these words. i used to laugh at the term 'devotional,' probably because i knew devotionals were useless without devotion. please grant me this, Lord: devotion. help me be devoted to the renewing of my mind in Christ. grant me grace not only to be forgiven, but to be changed, radically.

amen

renewal

Lord,

i need You to teach me how to live. i need to be healthy. i'm grateful for progress made, and being made... but it's not enough. if this is just another difficult step in the right direction, then please reassure me and continue to convict me of what is healthy; reassure me that my mind can be wholly renewed in a way that would please You.

You know who and what i desire, and what to do with all of my desires; please teach me. please re-shape me. accomplish Your metanoia in me. tell me what is my part in that.

amen

worries

Lord,

must i keep these? my responsibilities, i willingly carry (and sometimes gladly); my cares, they come from Your work in me (mostly); but my worries seem unhelpful. Jesus, you said not to worry, but i don't know what that means, or why i shouldn't. forgive my arrogance-- if you say to go, i go, but i don't understand it well enough to be obedient. teach me how...?

please bless and keep Valerie, Lord; bless her deeply. let her find the rest she seeks through Sabbath. and, help me to understand her relationship with You. please don't be angry, i have to ask: do You feel anything for her? i've been taught You're an emotional God, Who deeply cares. i know how hard it is to see tangible expressions of Your care for people here. help me understand; help me believe.

help me to live a pure life, so that i can say, "God blessed me in this way," and let that blessing overflow into the lives of people close to me.

amen

vulnerability

Lord,

i trust You with more than i did a month ago. i need that trust as much as i need what i'm trusting You for, i think. well, almost as much. i don't even know exactly what i need, but i want to learn to trust that You'll lead me. i'm giving myself to You; it might take awhile for me to be changed, but i at least want to know that You've begun, and that You'll finish.

oh. patience... that's what You want me to have. the more i prayed that You'd ask me for something, the more i suspected: "it's going to be something difficult, isn't it?" i knew it.

well, grant me what grace i need, then, and i will use it. Lord, i want what You want; and i want to want what You want me to want. it's difficult to wait, but i have it in me. what i really need is patience, a calm spirit, a steady heart, a controlled mind. how can i achieve this? or am i to struggle inwardly, and grow through that? is this how You discipline me? by crucible? by a smelting process that burns like hell but leads to heaven?

tell me what to do. tell me which comes first: outward decisions, or inward change. i know they're a dialectic; but if the former comes first, then i have work to do. tell me.

thank You for growth.

amen

kyrie eleison

Lord,

thank You for the work You're already doing in me, and for the visible, tangible changes. You're answering my prayers, and it's blowing me away.

but i have more to ask. i need help with my appetites. i just finished telling an unbeliever that a person's motivations and desires are the clearest window we have into the core of that person. i think that's true, and i'm not at all comfortable with this dark curiosity in me. it's so hard to identify, so hard to explain... i don't know what it is, or why it wants what it wants, and that scares me, because if i don't know what it is, how can i know how to deal with it?

even as it fades away (because no feeling lasts forever), i have this bad taste in my mouth, almost like i did something evil in my sleep, completely unaware, yet still felt its effects as i awoke. please get rid of it; or teach me how to get rid of it.

i wish i could say it were lust, God, because then i would know how to combat it. i wish it were anger, that i could pray against it and remember that You are slow to anger, and that the fruit of the Spirit is peace and gentleness.

perhaps it's jealousy still? and i'm having trouble with it because it's of a quality i never (and could never) have experienced before?

i don't know. Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; grant me grace, and a pure heart, and wisdom to discern, and strength to conquer. i am Yours; do Your work in me.

amen

Lord,

thank You for owning me.
thank You for convicting me.
thank You for beginning to bear fruit in me.
thank You for rest (not mine).
thank You for hope.

please bless and protect Pastor Frank Riley, and his congregation at river47.
please continue and even speed along the work You're doing in Valerie & i.
please bless me with work to do.

please help me to know how to helpfully, lovingly interact and relate with my friends they deny Your Lordship and deity, especially DK, KL, and EW.

amen.

the real work

Lord,

i am inadequate to the task. please give me wisdom. i will trust what You say, and lean on it, and commit to it fully; i want to, at least. please give me the opportunity to become fully Yours, holding nothing back.

amen

courage

Lord

i want to believe that You're both the source & the goal of the fresh energy i've felt the past few days. i want to commit this work to You, because i haven't done that yet: please bless my efforts to become a hard worker. be my first and strongest allegiance, not only in my relationships, but in my pursuit of virtue & character. purify me by shaping my motivation. pull my heart back towards You, away from success or selfishness or other people, no matter how important they might be to me.

put me to work first for You, God. i want to be Yours in this way. please help me find a job, not so that i can accomplish my own goals, but so that i can please You with what i do.

i'm Yours.

amen