i see You

i have glimmers of understanding here and there. please accept my feeble, fickle gratitude as i continue to seek You, deaf and blind and immeasurably blessed.

help

right now, LORD, there is no heart lower than mine, no soul more abased. i am the chief of sinners. i scheme and plot my own pleasure as naturally as breathing. no one sees me when i wish not to be seen. i'm not worthy to address You; i'm not worthy to speak to anyone.

Father, be gracious anyway; please, grant me strength and integrity. grant me the power to overcome temptation; let me trade in my lusts for pure passion. help me to truly earn the trust of others.

give me a right heart, and a right life. i am Yours. save me. redeem me from my ruin.

amen.

God help me; i have no solution to this problem. it just gets worse the more i try to reason through it. my experience and reason tell me You won't help me with it, but i'm asking You anyway: please solve this for me. it's too much for me to fix, and it's too much for me to carry. please do something wise and good. please do something righteous and Godly. please please please... help me.

submission

authority's great and everything, LORD, but doesn't authority itself have a higher authority? what about tyranny and oppression and power misused? obey your government, honor your parents, give to Caesar what is Caesar's...

i've heard it all, and i really need to know: do You really expect me to submit to evil? i mean, You did, but that was a special situation, right? and You were in it for the well-being of other people, just like i'm in this right now. so how come it's not working out very well?

Holy Spirit, i hesitantly, grudgingly give way to the possibility that something in me needs to change. You're the One to go to for metanoia, right? then i invite You to influence me somehow, whether directly or indirectly, painfully or pleasantly. i'll never truly know whether You did or not, regardless of what happens, but i can at least trust that You heard my request, and cared that i made it.

i am Yours, as always, and i submit myself to Your authority. please help me.

amen.

eff

God, i have alot to say to You, but i'm fading, so i'll only let the most urgent words come out.

i really don't know how to handle these issues. sometimes i'm convinced i can solve any problem, correct any misunderstanding, heal any pain. other times it seems like the whole world is set against me, and the people i want to help the most are the ones fighting me the fiercest. there's nothing more discouraging than trying to Love someone, and failing, not only because you aren't perfect, but because the people you're Loving aren't, either.

You know that my only fear is failure; You know why. failure is the let-down of everything i care most about and work the hardest for. God, i think and feel that i've learned so much, but sometimes it seems none of that matters, and no matter how much of myself i sacrifice, no matter how much i try to make things better, they only get worse, and i hate it because i'm caught between my passion to Love people and the inevitable disaster once i actually try.

i can't sort out the chaos; i can't clean up the mess. it's just beyond me. i hate failing. God please help. bless the people i have wounded; guide me away from what might be dangerous to them; help me figure out what to do about these scissor-hands.

Kyrie eleison...

integrity

Lord,

it must be really easy for You, keeping all Your promises... since You're God and everything. but for me, it's really hard, because i'm selfish and forgetful. i know there's more to it than that, and i know this is a massive and complex request, and i realize that i may not even know what i'm asking right now...

...but i'd really like to be able to do what i say. every time. i'd really like to be able to keep my promises. i'd really like to be able to dedicate myself to something for more than a few weeks.

so God, my request right now is, please make my 'yes' mean 'yes.'

if that means some hard training, and more mistakes, and disappointment and shame, then so be it.

thank You for hearing me again, and for giving me enough faith to pray.

amen.

a plea

please, do not let me ruin the lives of the people You Love. ruin me first, if that's how it must be, but do not let them come to harm because of me.

may Your wishes come inexplicably and inexorably to their fulfillment, God. may You get Your heart's desire.

amen.

disciple me

i'm starting to realize [once again] that i can't treat my life and my faith as two separate things, no matter how faithless my life might be, or how lifeless my faith might be. it doesn't make sense to pray to a God who isn't in this world, because the only place i'm at is this world! my life's not 'out there' somewhere... it's here. and if You're not here, then what the heck am i doing with this blog.

teach me something new, Lord. i'm Yours.

inexplicable

home-school. i was sitting at my desk, doing some math homework. Mercy Me was playing. i suddenly felt Your... awareness... Your mind touching on mine. You didn't say anything, but the feeling i got could've been translated into words: I am here. i was speechless. i couldn't grasp that You would assert Your presence so blatantly. it was only a split-second, and then it was gone.

high-school. i read from the book of Proverbs almost every week for months, and though i don't understand it much, i become someone people rely on for wise advice and discernment and clear thinking. i have a grasp of the paradoxes and ironies of life, and the truth of the way things really are. i see past false concepts and unravel the Gordian knots that others bruise their fingers on. i stand up for what i know is right, and try to fight what's wrong, even when it's dangerous or unpopular. Your word transforms me.

or i read from I Corinthians, and Paul's teachings convince me of the surpassing importance of Love. i try to be patient and kind and humble and self-sacrificing, especially towards those who need it most. though i haven't yet learned to exegete, i become someone people rely on for Loving care and genuine kindness. i win the hearts of some who've never met me, and lead a dying friend to life instead. Your word transforms me again.

December 2004. i was laying on the futon in my room at Uncle Greg's, trying to process the pain of the break-up. i re-played things, made up alternate scenarios, cried... i sat there wallowing in the agony and misery of it, until finally i decided to talk to You. i don't know what it means to give You my worries, God, but i think i did it, because you took them, and i instantly felt peace. i was so surprised that i cried some more before i fell asleep, but they were tears of relief, not sorrow.

college years. i would come to the fountain every once in a long while, and for some reason, as long as it's night and i'm alone, i feel You there. it's like You're waiting for me. the light and the water are soothing on their own, but it's more than that. i don't understand how or why my mind would create a fiction like that. it seems too perfect, too odd. i don't know why You would choose to be there and not here, or why You don't seem to move from that spot much. at the fountain my thoughts, motives, and purposes become clearer, more solid. i walk away a healthier person, more fully myself.

i love to thank You for every blessing; i talk to You in the worst times, the best times, even the times where i don't think You exist at all, let alone listen to my thoughts or feelings. i fight so hard to have faith, and to instill it in others.

people look to me for spiritual guidance, Lord God. i've been given a glimpse of what it might look like to serve You and Yours for the rest of my life. if You want to complete what You've started here, then please reveal Yourself while it still matters.

help me

this is pretty much it. the end. no more wasting time, no more putting things off... no more pretending i can make it. this is where i have to start saying things like, "God help me" or "i can't believe how stupid i am," and really mean it.

i don't know what's going to happen to me.

i can really identify with Israel right now, God. this is the part where i've been worshipping idols for years and years, and even though You've sent prophets to get those high places torn down, people haven't listened. even the good kings haven't removed the pagan temples. and now it's time for some wrath.

i realize it's a very natural wrath, God, so maybe i'm more like the people from Galatians. maybe i'm just being abandoned to the consequences of my actions & inactions. but either way, i'm begging for Your help. please please please... do something miraculous. otherwise, i'll be too deep in debt to get out. i need this so badly... i am crushed by the weight of it all. i don't know what i will do if i fail.

please... i know what i deserve, God, and it isn't Your help. but if i deserved it, i wouldn't need to ask. please... please help me. please help me.

my chores

i have role-models to follow here, where You've directed me. i'm told that even the most mundane acts can be given to You, perhaps even sanctified by the offering of them. well, i'm ashamed of the truth about myself, but i must be honest: prayer is a chore for me. i don't enjoy it, most of the time, and i wish it would at least yield some sort of immediate, observable benefit. but the truth is that it doesn't. i do it because i'm seeking You; i do it because i'm Yours. i do it because my Life allegedly depends on it, and i have no other path to follow with any confidence.

so i pray now, Father, for the whole church. guide its theology and its ministry, especially in this post-Christian context. teach its servants how to teach and preach. show them Your beauty, and inspire them to seek beauty in their own lives as Christians. remind them of how You've revealed Yourself throughout history, and give them fresh insight into who You are. inspire them to work hard for Christlikeness, even as You are freely bestowing that quality on them by grace.

thank You for being the Good Shepherd. that image from Ezekiel makes me want so much to live out Psalm 23, even the part about the valley of the shadow of death.

i pray also for the requests handed along to me, some of which i've forgotten. You remember? for K's friend, who needs boldness and possibly protection. for C and his fiance, that they would challenge and strengthen each other, and that You would be always present, questioning them and affirming them at every step. for H E, with whom i haven't spoken in awhile... speak to her and bless her and encourage her and direct her. for my sister H, especially if the request she made to me a few months ago is still on her heart. for L and her growth, which has been amazing and encouraging for both of us. for S and R, and their relationship, and their children. for E, that she'll be diligent and even inspired as she finishes the tasks set before her. for E and i, that You would make us truly Christian.

my greatest need right now is for diligence and inspiration as well, God. You know my greatest fear; it's staring me down right now, smiling and waiting for the outcome of this situation. help me...

this is a selfish prayer, and You know how i'm scarcely capable of more than this, and though i can't excuse myself, You put up with me anyway. thank You.

amen.

i have no gift to bring

wouldn't You love to be prayed to by someone faithful and loyal? someone who takes joy in all the work You've given him to do? someone who isn't so fragmented and anarchic? someone diligent, devoted, humble, trusting?

i should probably ask myself how You feel about all my self-deprecation, God.

i doubt You're as human as we assume You are, Holy God, but to be fair, You might say i'm more spiritual than i would claim. i'm actually here to pray, too, so maybe You've won, this time.

Father, i pray for Your family, the church... for Your body, Christ, and for Your work throughout the world, Spirit. i have no clue how that works, though i've studied here almost three years now; and i'm not sure You're actually doing anything here and now, but i pray anyway.

i pray for my friends, and all their troubles. God, help them to understand themselves; bring them into relationships and situations that will teach them the truth about Your world, and Your kingdom. may they grow into Your image, and become close to You.

for myself, i ask for faith, because there's nothing i crave more; there's nothing that would benefit me more. Your will be done, God, even if that means letting me be tortured by my frustrations and doubts and inadequacies.

amen.

prayer of the body

such a spiritual title for such a carnal prayer, God... and it is. forgive me for compartmentalizing, but i have no choice. my heart cares only for its own comfort; my mind doubts everything it cannot directly apprehend; and my soul is dead. that leaves only my body to pray. so instead of asking you to hear my heart today, Father, i'm asking You to hear my hands as they type. that's all i've got.

gracious One, please bless river47 with the fruit and the gifts of Your Spirit. may their ministry reach deeply into the community surrounding them. may Your kingdom come through the work You do through them.

thank You for friends, God, who show me what it is to be alive. they are all blessings.

for myself, Lord, You know what i desire most. i don't think it exists, but my thoughts don't change reality, so i have some semblance of hope. it's a shadowy imitation of hope, it seems to me, but it's there nonetheless, or i wouldn't be here at my prayer blog right now. thank You for not simply abandoning me completely, in response to my unbelief.

amen.

inescapable

i cannot get away from You.

if i sink into the deepest psychological depression, You're there.
if my life is in social turmoil, You're there.
when i suck at life, You're there.
when i tell You that You don't exist, You're there.
every time i pretend to worship, You're there.
in my complacency and my incompleteness, You're there.
if i become confident in You, You're there,
and when i'm sure my whole world is doomed, You're there.

when i misunderstand, You're there, and when i can't understand anything, You're there, and when i think i understand it all, You're there.

in the midst of an impossible dilemma, You're there, and as the minotaur is breathing down my neck, You're there.

in my anger, sorrow, excitement, sinfulness, apathy, hate, and love, You're there. when i'm asleep, and when i'm awake, and when i'm in between, You're there. when i'm praying and when i'm failing, You're there. when i'm singing and when i'm hurting and when i'm trying to shut everything and everyone out... You're there.

You make it hard for me to not trust You.

please help me in my unbelief...

amen.

profitable for correction

Wise Father,

i fast because i need correction. i need to be taught the right way, the way of Life. You see my mind, and everything that hinders me from becoming a faithful follower. please instruct me. i don't know where to go or how to get there, unless You show me and take me there.

let this fast be pleasing to You.

amen.

one step forward,

two steps back.

i don't know anything about You, it seems. every time i try to grasp You, it's like taking hold of a cloud. there's moisture on my skin for a moment or two, but then it evaporates.

i'm coming to You anyway, because i need You... please, please do something for my friend. she doesn't know what to do; professional doctors have answers, but are they the right ones? what is it that she needs, God? please tell her, or grant it Yourself, or something. help her somehow. i don't know what to do; i dunno how to help.

i'm unworthy, so far from You, but You tell me You're close by, and i am afraid to call You a liar. please forgive my unbelief, my secularism, my deadness. please forgive me, and grant grace to bring me out of it.

thank You for blessings.

amen.

to grow in faith

Triune God, teach me Your dance...

i need to learn how to pray. i need You to teach me. the moment i asked You, last week, You answered, and amazed me. i'm asking again, not specifically this moment, but whenever You're ready, and whenever You see an opportunity in me... teach me! i need to learn. i want to.

i'll pray to know You better, to know Your will better.
i'll pray to give You the freedom to shape my character.
i'll pray to make things happen in the kingdom.
i'll pray in order to be close to You, even as i'm far from perfection.

God, i am thankful that You use me sometimes. well, i'm trying to be humble, which means 'accurate' and not 'lowly,' so i'll just say it: You use me so much, i don't know what to make of it! sometimes i doubt the value of what You work through me, or whether it's really You working it at all, but maybe i am too practical and not aesthetic-minded enough.

i have had, and i am having, some beautiful friendships... and i know differences are made, in my life and in their lives; it's just that sometimes i wonder if it really is Your will i'm in the midst of. maybe You can tell me? i'm sorry that i'm so easily discouraged (You know what i'm talking about). You've encouraged me tonight; maybe i'm just being Gideon. but maybe not.

what would You have me hear from You?

i want to listen more.

let it be so... amen.

to sanctify space

Father,

You have heard so many complaints of mine, concerning Your apparent absence. why can't You just explain it all to me? explain to me how You're here, and/or not here... i don't even need the 'why,' because while it would make me feel better, it wouldn't do much to help me live better. i just need to know how You are here.

it's so confusing! it's so frustrating! You've been here before, so where are You now?! why did You leave? why did You send the Holy Spirit? i'd rather Jesus, honestly. Christ, i'd rather you were here with us, than have the Spirit.

why are You like this?

none of my pleas are going to change anything. it's never that easy.

please just tell me if You really are there, waiting for me at the fountain, at night... i need to know You're really there, because if You're not, then i'm insane or stupid or pathetically desperate. i need to know; please, please tell me.

to sanctify time

Father,

i'm here to focus. Your word is fascinating and beautiful to me, and i have work to do. please grant me the grace to dig in deeply, to be faithful to the ministry which You've given me in this chapter. help my work to please You; let my mind be fertile soil tonight, for Your glory and for my edification, and for the value of Truth and understanding.

please help me redeem the time.

amen.

a challenge

God,

thank You for letting me interrupt Your flow of thought. thank You for inviting me into the conversation You are already having. thank You for teaching me to sing on key, even today.

i need Your help. i might be too proud of my experience, my wisdom, my insight. i might be too much the male, always trying to fix things. but i'm good at this, God! i know it. i give good advice. just today, four different girls have asked for my advice! and i feel ready. i am always ready to come at the call of a Lloved one.

but this time, i'm being told-- not just by her, but by You!-- that i am to sit this one out, so to speak. thank You, so much for teaching me something in that moment. You amazed me today.

i want to help, but i want to obey You and do what is best, even if that means doing nothing. perhaps it only means being. whatever i am called on to do or to say, Father, i'm ready to be obedient and helpful. i'm also ready to be a learner, especially in the relational dynamic of prayer. thank You for Dogterom and his wisdom.

i'll talk with You about it (and listen, too) more and more as time goes on.

please care for Kelsey, through her friends and through Your Spirit in her. i trust You.

amen.