help me

this is pretty much it. the end. no more wasting time, no more putting things off... no more pretending i can make it. this is where i have to start saying things like, "God help me" or "i can't believe how stupid i am," and really mean it.

i don't know what's going to happen to me.

i can really identify with Israel right now, God. this is the part where i've been worshipping idols for years and years, and even though You've sent prophets to get those high places torn down, people haven't listened. even the good kings haven't removed the pagan temples. and now it's time for some wrath.

i realize it's a very natural wrath, God, so maybe i'm more like the people from Galatians. maybe i'm just being abandoned to the consequences of my actions & inactions. but either way, i'm begging for Your help. please please please... do something miraculous. otherwise, i'll be too deep in debt to get out. i need this so badly... i am crushed by the weight of it all. i don't know what i will do if i fail.

please... i know what i deserve, God, and it isn't Your help. but if i deserved it, i wouldn't need to ask. please... please help me. please help me.

my chores

i have role-models to follow here, where You've directed me. i'm told that even the most mundane acts can be given to You, perhaps even sanctified by the offering of them. well, i'm ashamed of the truth about myself, but i must be honest: prayer is a chore for me. i don't enjoy it, most of the time, and i wish it would at least yield some sort of immediate, observable benefit. but the truth is that it doesn't. i do it because i'm seeking You; i do it because i'm Yours. i do it because my Life allegedly depends on it, and i have no other path to follow with any confidence.

so i pray now, Father, for the whole church. guide its theology and its ministry, especially in this post-Christian context. teach its servants how to teach and preach. show them Your beauty, and inspire them to seek beauty in their own lives as Christians. remind them of how You've revealed Yourself throughout history, and give them fresh insight into who You are. inspire them to work hard for Christlikeness, even as You are freely bestowing that quality on them by grace.

thank You for being the Good Shepherd. that image from Ezekiel makes me want so much to live out Psalm 23, even the part about the valley of the shadow of death.

i pray also for the requests handed along to me, some of which i've forgotten. You remember? for K's friend, who needs boldness and possibly protection. for C and his fiance, that they would challenge and strengthen each other, and that You would be always present, questioning them and affirming them at every step. for H E, with whom i haven't spoken in awhile... speak to her and bless her and encourage her and direct her. for my sister H, especially if the request she made to me a few months ago is still on her heart. for L and her growth, which has been amazing and encouraging for both of us. for S and R, and their relationship, and their children. for E, that she'll be diligent and even inspired as she finishes the tasks set before her. for E and i, that You would make us truly Christian.

my greatest need right now is for diligence and inspiration as well, God. You know my greatest fear; it's staring me down right now, smiling and waiting for the outcome of this situation. help me...

this is a selfish prayer, and You know how i'm scarcely capable of more than this, and though i can't excuse myself, You put up with me anyway. thank You.

amen.

i have no gift to bring

wouldn't You love to be prayed to by someone faithful and loyal? someone who takes joy in all the work You've given him to do? someone who isn't so fragmented and anarchic? someone diligent, devoted, humble, trusting?

i should probably ask myself how You feel about all my self-deprecation, God.

i doubt You're as human as we assume You are, Holy God, but to be fair, You might say i'm more spiritual than i would claim. i'm actually here to pray, too, so maybe You've won, this time.

Father, i pray for Your family, the church... for Your body, Christ, and for Your work throughout the world, Spirit. i have no clue how that works, though i've studied here almost three years now; and i'm not sure You're actually doing anything here and now, but i pray anyway.

i pray for my friends, and all their troubles. God, help them to understand themselves; bring them into relationships and situations that will teach them the truth about Your world, and Your kingdom. may they grow into Your image, and become close to You.

for myself, i ask for faith, because there's nothing i crave more; there's nothing that would benefit me more. Your will be done, God, even if that means letting me be tortured by my frustrations and doubts and inadequacies.

amen.

prayer of the body

such a spiritual title for such a carnal prayer, God... and it is. forgive me for compartmentalizing, but i have no choice. my heart cares only for its own comfort; my mind doubts everything it cannot directly apprehend; and my soul is dead. that leaves only my body to pray. so instead of asking you to hear my heart today, Father, i'm asking You to hear my hands as they type. that's all i've got.

gracious One, please bless river47 with the fruit and the gifts of Your Spirit. may their ministry reach deeply into the community surrounding them. may Your kingdom come through the work You do through them.

thank You for friends, God, who show me what it is to be alive. they are all blessings.

for myself, Lord, You know what i desire most. i don't think it exists, but my thoughts don't change reality, so i have some semblance of hope. it's a shadowy imitation of hope, it seems to me, but it's there nonetheless, or i wouldn't be here at my prayer blog right now. thank You for not simply abandoning me completely, in response to my unbelief.

amen.

inescapable

i cannot get away from You.

if i sink into the deepest psychological depression, You're there.
if my life is in social turmoil, You're there.
when i suck at life, You're there.
when i tell You that You don't exist, You're there.
every time i pretend to worship, You're there.
in my complacency and my incompleteness, You're there.
if i become confident in You, You're there,
and when i'm sure my whole world is doomed, You're there.

when i misunderstand, You're there, and when i can't understand anything, You're there, and when i think i understand it all, You're there.

in the midst of an impossible dilemma, You're there, and as the minotaur is breathing down my neck, You're there.

in my anger, sorrow, excitement, sinfulness, apathy, hate, and love, You're there. when i'm asleep, and when i'm awake, and when i'm in between, You're there. when i'm praying and when i'm failing, You're there. when i'm singing and when i'm hurting and when i'm trying to shut everything and everyone out... You're there.

You make it hard for me to not trust You.

please help me in my unbelief...

amen.

profitable for correction

Wise Father,

i fast because i need correction. i need to be taught the right way, the way of Life. You see my mind, and everything that hinders me from becoming a faithful follower. please instruct me. i don't know where to go or how to get there, unless You show me and take me there.

let this fast be pleasing to You.

amen.

one step forward,

two steps back.

i don't know anything about You, it seems. every time i try to grasp You, it's like taking hold of a cloud. there's moisture on my skin for a moment or two, but then it evaporates.

i'm coming to You anyway, because i need You... please, please do something for my friend. she doesn't know what to do; professional doctors have answers, but are they the right ones? what is it that she needs, God? please tell her, or grant it Yourself, or something. help her somehow. i don't know what to do; i dunno how to help.

i'm unworthy, so far from You, but You tell me You're close by, and i am afraid to call You a liar. please forgive my unbelief, my secularism, my deadness. please forgive me, and grant grace to bring me out of it.

thank You for blessings.

amen.

to grow in faith

Triune God, teach me Your dance...

i need to learn how to pray. i need You to teach me. the moment i asked You, last week, You answered, and amazed me. i'm asking again, not specifically this moment, but whenever You're ready, and whenever You see an opportunity in me... teach me! i need to learn. i want to.

i'll pray to know You better, to know Your will better.
i'll pray to give You the freedom to shape my character.
i'll pray to make things happen in the kingdom.
i'll pray in order to be close to You, even as i'm far from perfection.

God, i am thankful that You use me sometimes. well, i'm trying to be humble, which means 'accurate' and not 'lowly,' so i'll just say it: You use me so much, i don't know what to make of it! sometimes i doubt the value of what You work through me, or whether it's really You working it at all, but maybe i am too practical and not aesthetic-minded enough.

i have had, and i am having, some beautiful friendships... and i know differences are made, in my life and in their lives; it's just that sometimes i wonder if it really is Your will i'm in the midst of. maybe You can tell me? i'm sorry that i'm so easily discouraged (You know what i'm talking about). You've encouraged me tonight; maybe i'm just being Gideon. but maybe not.

what would You have me hear from You?

i want to listen more.

let it be so... amen.

to sanctify space

Father,

You have heard so many complaints of mine, concerning Your apparent absence. why can't You just explain it all to me? explain to me how You're here, and/or not here... i don't even need the 'why,' because while it would make me feel better, it wouldn't do much to help me live better. i just need to know how You are here.

it's so confusing! it's so frustrating! You've been here before, so where are You now?! why did You leave? why did You send the Holy Spirit? i'd rather Jesus, honestly. Christ, i'd rather you were here with us, than have the Spirit.

why are You like this?

none of my pleas are going to change anything. it's never that easy.

please just tell me if You really are there, waiting for me at the fountain, at night... i need to know You're really there, because if You're not, then i'm insane or stupid or pathetically desperate. i need to know; please, please tell me.

to sanctify time

Father,

i'm here to focus. Your word is fascinating and beautiful to me, and i have work to do. please grant me the grace to dig in deeply, to be faithful to the ministry which You've given me in this chapter. help my work to please You; let my mind be fertile soil tonight, for Your glory and for my edification, and for the value of Truth and understanding.

please help me redeem the time.

amen.

a challenge

God,

thank You for letting me interrupt Your flow of thought. thank You for inviting me into the conversation You are already having. thank You for teaching me to sing on key, even today.

i need Your help. i might be too proud of my experience, my wisdom, my insight. i might be too much the male, always trying to fix things. but i'm good at this, God! i know it. i give good advice. just today, four different girls have asked for my advice! and i feel ready. i am always ready to come at the call of a Lloved one.

but this time, i'm being told-- not just by her, but by You!-- that i am to sit this one out, so to speak. thank You, so much for teaching me something in that moment. You amazed me today.

i want to help, but i want to obey You and do what is best, even if that means doing nothing. perhaps it only means being. whatever i am called on to do or to say, Father, i'm ready to be obedient and helpful. i'm also ready to be a learner, especially in the relational dynamic of prayer. thank You for Dogterom and his wisdom.

i'll talk with You about it (and listen, too) more and more as time goes on.

please care for Kelsey, through her friends and through Your Spirit in her. i trust You.

amen.

fire

i know You hear me.

i know You are there, listening, watching. maybe You're even speaking. maybe Your silence is best. maybe You're unnoticed, yet still so present. maybe You care more than i do about her, and about her situation. maybe i feel like You need to do something, and maybe i'm scared that You won't, because i know that sometimes, You don't.

i am so trained to fix things, to anticipate happy endings. i don't know what else there is to do, God...

perhaps You can teach us. i'm game.

amen.

II Timothy 2:13

sometimes we are not enough to do anything right.
sometimes we are fake, or dead.
sometimes we just don't care.

sometimes we give up on You.
sometimes we're fed up with You.
sometimes we're pretty sure You made us wrong.

thank You for being okay with all that.

to play the fool

Father,

i would rather be Solomon. i would rather write Proverbs than Lamentations; i would rather the last simple statement of Ecclesiastes, than all of the understanding that leads up to it.

i just need wisdom, God. i need advice. i need help. i need to be taught how to live life.

Jesus, please take me as your apprentice. i will learn from you, if you will teach me. i need you. i want to be impressed with you, and perhaps even learn what it means to adore you. i love learning from your servants and spokespeople, but i really need to learn from you.

Spirit, be in me and guide me. i will be listening. i hear you even now, speaking of grace and responsibility and character and community and need. i'm listening.

i wait on your words.

amen.

i am Yours still

Jesus, i don't know what strange powers You have over me, but i pray Your breath never leaves my lungs again. i am so starving for Your Spirit; i am such a barren tree. i am planted far from water, and i'm not surviving. please, Jesus, beseech God for His favor in my life, that i might truly love Him and effectively serve Him.

i desire nothing more than this.

redeem me, i ask humbly, and with much thanksgiving.

amen.

philippians 4:6

was it easy for him to write that verse, God? did he have the peace of which he spoke?

thank You for my failure... for my struggle. i'm told that i must first embrace my problems, in gratitude, before i can begin to release them to Your work. that last past sounds right to me; the whole thing is what i'm trying to do.

my problem is, i stay up too late. 2a is a better time, for me, but it still wasn't early enough. please help me work on this, God, because i just missed class again. i am going to fail in many ways if i continue on this path.

please keep my feet from slipping; please be gracious to me as a student, especially in Dogterom's classes. let me find favor with you and with men, not because i'm good, but because You are.

please save me from my mistakes; please transform them into growth and learning and progress. please save me. i'll follow You, God.

amen.

confession

Christ,

you shouldn't be listening to me right now. or, if you are, you should be condemning me to hell, or at least some terrible life. maybe you already have? i don't know. i guess that would make you immanent, huh? doesn't work for me, then.

the reason you shouldn't like me right now is, i don't believe you care what i'm saying. i don't believe any of the words i'm saying really matter to you at all. i don't know why you told us to pray, but whatever the reason was, i don't think i like it very much. something tells me you're misleading me, or playing games with me like a scientist plays with mice in a lab.

Jesus, who are you? what are you doing, telling us to stand in this other world, this spiritual reality? do you expect us to just take it like a child would? seriously, we can't see it. and you're telling us it's more real than this world, that our breath really only comes because you're giving it to us.

absolutely preposterous. i don't believe it.

i wish that i could, though, and God, somehow i hope i can please You, even though i'm such an arrogant, blind scoffer. but what could You possibly hope to accomplish with someone so spiritually poor as me? what use have You for a heart hard as steel? do You even try, with people like me?

i've realized that i don't know You at all, and i don't know how to get to know You. i don't know how. please, please show me. i need to know You.

please.

amen.

hypocrisy

i don't believe You answer prayers. but i'm praying anyway. that makes me a hypocrite, right?

please bless this person with wisdom and maturity and understanding, because in my attempt to do so, i have largely failed.

amen.

i am Your enemy

my knowledge is great, but my faith is blasphemous.
my understanding reaches far, as my heart slowly dies.
my power grows, while my life shrivels.

i will depart from You now,
because You cannot know me.

mind's eye

it seems to be either blind, or getting there.

Jesus of Nazareth,

i know that you existed before all of creation. i know that you were born and raised in the Middle East, and that you proclaimed yourself Messiah, and that you lived and died doing the will of your father, God... Yahweh Himself. i believe in all of this, that what you spoke was truth.

what i don't understand is how your words and your spirit are life, Jesus. i can live without both! i can even succeed without both. why, i could even continue to make people feel special and valued, without your truth. i could continue to use my gifts, without you. i could have a good life, and make life good for others, as well.

this faith that i have... it drives me, but i don't understand it any longer. it's become a weight i carry every day, a depressing set of questions and doubts, instead of a light burden. i seem to be lost in darkness because of my faith in you! this is backwards! it would all be so much easier if i never had to think about spirituality. it would all be so much easier if i could simply subscribe to the naturalist viewpoint. everything would make so much more sense if you weren't here in my head.

you're dragging me down.

i'm just being honest. the lies aren't helping; i can't keep sweeping the dirt under the rug. i'm not even worried so much that other people would find out how lost i am; i've got a big enough problem knowing about it myself!!

i believe all this stuff, but it's like it makes no difference today! you might as well be ignoring the world. Christians follow you because of what they believe about you, not because you speak to them every day. these ideas they have, that's what drives the Christian faith. the Muslims are driven, right? the suicide bombers? who's more driven than that?! but that's obviously not your spirit leading them! so what the heck is your spirit doing?!

bad trees bear good fruit; the Godless live for God; Christians recite your words on television every day, but their voices are hollow and empty and false. everyone's faking it, God, and those who claim they aren't, are simply deceived. they're honest, but not truthful. i know what's really going on here.

your ideas are the true spirit of faith. if someone stamped them all out, that would be the end of Christianity.

as far as i can tell, God, Your Spirit isn't here. our consciences have taken over; our minds have taken over. our ideas and sub-cultural distinctives have taken over. there are no more miracles, no more spiritual experiences. it's all a bunch of chemicals in our brains. it's all the power of the mind.

we work Your will whether You speak it to us today, or not. what is there to a real faith? i used to think it was more than ideas. i've been struggling to find out how it can be more than that, but the more i search, the more disillusioned i become.

to say that you are in a person, Jesus... that's just a figment. it's an illusion. it's an illusion i'm trying desperately to prove true, but i'm failing. i'm failing so miserably.

this is how it is. if you're really watching all this, if you're inside my head right now, you know exactly what's going on. people tell me you're the sort who has a plan. well, i hope you're planning to save me, because i'm dying, and i have found no life in my own searches.

i've googled this for years, God, and after removing the irrelevant results, i'm down to zero.

i don't even know what i would take to change my mind, God. only You know that. i know You're there!! do something. from my perspective, You're completely disconnected from society.

please show Yourself again. i know You came once; i realize it made alot of difference. but i don't see it. i'm losing it all over again, God, this faith that i thought You had given me. why would You do this? and how can i ever go back? everything makes perfect sense without You here. i have no questions when You're gone.

i don't know what to pray for. it wouldn't even matter if i did, now that i know prayer is just a mind-trip, a game we play with ourselves thinking it's real. no more pretend, God... this is too much for me to handle. i will die unless this game ends, and what's left over will be someone else than who i've been and wanted to be.

this is where i'm at, and i know You're big enough, God enough. but frankly, i couldn't care less about the "what can You"s or "what are You"s.

i just want the answer to this:

"what are You doing?"

if the answer is "waiting," then so am i.

if there's more... then lay it on me.

i don't think i can ever stop waiting for You. i've come too far; it's too promising. i'm too close (yet so far).

i need to need You, and be satisfied. fulfilled. i'm missing something.

i am Yours; save me.