unceasing

God please hear me! please help me! i am seeking. i am knocking. i am asking. i am desperate. i am weak, poor, broken, ready for any blessing from any source. i feel i'm being torn in two. my life is starting to crumble. i need You to please do something. i don't care what it is as long as You are the One to do it. i am trusting You with everything in my life when i say, do what You will. take away what You don't like; show me what to replace it with. i can handle it. burn me alive if i displease You. remake something better from the dust leftover.

i can accept the natural consequences of my bad choices, and my wrong choices, though i may not know what those are right now. i can accept the way this world works, the way people sometimes reap the fruits of evil whether or not they planted those seeds. i haven't been a perfect sower, but i know that because of You i have planted some good seeds. may i see the fruits of those? why wouldn't You want to multiply them? will You not grant my request for something good, something You want?

give me just one talent to invest, God, and with Your help i will use it to make another. i will not plant it in the ground. give me an opportunity to make You happy with the way i run my kingdom. give me a chance for redemption. i so desperately desire things that i believe You also desire. i am willing to do what it takes; if You wish it, i will give up what i have held on to so tightly. You need only ask, and i will respond. what is it i must do?

should i simply give in to everything? i've expressed great confidence in my ability to endure pain and suffering. is that my task? should i eat my words? if i really am fearless, enduring, strong, should i submit myself for torture and abuse, so that i carry both shares of the damage done? i will do it if that is the answer, Lord! i'm ready. but i need to know that it's right. what does it mean to be subject to one another out of reverence for You? what does it mean to nourish and tenderly care for, when the one being cared for is attacking you? my own flesh is set against me! my house is bitterly divided, and crashing.

whatever it means, Lord, teach me. i will do it!! just grant me a chance to remain loyal to the Word, which was and is and should always be Your self-revelation to me. i have been discouraged to the point of giving up on hearing You, but i am willing to try again. i am willing to trust again, if only a little at a time. maybe You will grow it where i failed to do so.

and what am i to do with this desire to show her her own sin? can i be trusted to handle that well? how can i live like this? i am beaten down constantly. i don't know if i trust You to save me as soon as i feel i need to be saved. i don't think You will always protect me from harm. in fact, i know that You won't. so i come back to my original question: am i to submit myself to torture and abuse, as You did to save us? will my sacrifice be worth it? will it accomplish anything?

if it will, then please tell me, and i will do it. please tell me. i am begging for a word from You. what should i do? i have a tenuous grip on Your Word, Lord. my fingertips claw at the edge of the cliff, and i don't remember the last time i stood on solid ground. i need understanding and guidance. why won't You guide me?

i don't understand the purpose of this suffering, God. i see it as pointless. i have become like one of those for whom i am unwilling to pray. they are born, they suffer, they die. i see them and feel lucky for this life i have, but now i think i am much the same as they are. will You abandon me to suffer and die? it isn't enough for me to obey. i need Your help, else i have been reborn just to suffer and die.

i need You to act. i need You to speak and breathe life into my dying world. i can't live like this. tell me what i am to do; help me do it; do what i can't. touch her, even through me. help me to know when to speak, and what to say. i need that, God. help me to know when to speak, and what to say.

please don't let this be broken forever. please save us. please redeem us. i repent of my choice to let discouragement call the shots. You see me crawling, don't You? You see me seeking? You know my desperate heart. You know how my faith struggles for every breath, how the veil separates me from Your presence. i make a commitment now to do what i can to find You and keep You and remain in You. i pray that You meet me along that path, because i cannot finish the journey otherwise.

i'm not even sure i know what all of this means. i still don't know what to do. i feel a little better for talking to You, but it remains to be seen whether my prayers will avail me at all. i am leaning on Something i cannot feel, and that makes me angry. i feel betrayed. i feel let go. i feel like You have left me to fend for myself. i need something, God, anything. grant me any small grace and i will praise You for it. anything. the smallest blessing in this would give me hope. please be my hope, Jesus.

war

one step forward, two back. as we fall slide down this spiral toward ruin, i pray more and more for redemption. what is the key? what will fix everything? write it out for me. i don't understand what is happening. i don't know what to do. i can't solve this problem myself.

please do anything. please do something tangible. i wait on You. until then, i'm floundering in the dark. i wait on You. tell me what to do. reach down, reach inside, let Your shadow pass over my home, show Your back as You walk by... anything Lord.

i wait on You. please save me before this war claims me.

no one else

You are my only hope right now. i want to depend on You for something good, anything good, anything from You. anything. give me anything at all. give me pain; if it's from You, i will accept it. i will wait.

i am Yours; save me.

i'm not adequate. i do not lack resolve, or will... but i'm so discouraged. please help me. will it always be like this? it isn't fair. am i supposed to learn? grow? be faithful? what?

please help me to be humble. i am committed. help me to grow in my committment.

amen

i need You

i'm so done. God help me.

i feel attacked. and i fight so hard to end the fighting. it doesn't even make any sense. i don't care if i win. i care if she understands. i almost always understand her; she often misunderstands me, and when she does so, i can't do anything. i'm being attacked for trying to help!!!

please please please help her to not be like this.

joy

i find these things elusive: love, peace, joy, rest, affection. Lord, please hear me tonight as i try not to complain too much. i know i'm a broken record. please don't get tired of me too quickly...

amen

mirrors

Lord

when the time comes, remind me that i prayed this prayer: make me humble.

i belong to You; i'm pledged to You. i fail most of the time; i'm inadequate for this task of living life well; i'm not a good Lover. please remind me that i prayed this prayer, when the time comes. help me listen carefully for Your whisper.

please make me a good mirror; please work in her heart and eyes, so that she can make good decisions about her own character and personality. please help her make good decisions about our relationship.

amen

i need Your help. i can't just think this through and fix it like that. i need You. please help me...

rest

Father,

please teach me how, and when, and why to rest.

amen

You're sort of like a janitor.

Father

please bless Valerie with clarity of mind and the emotional energy she needs to make this day a good one.

amen

Jesus Christ, my Lord, LORD of all, please hear me.

there is nothing i want more, than Your will. i'm not very good at discerning it, perhaps, which is why i'm praying now. that, and we need Your miracles. do You still do that kind of thing??

my past and present and future with Valerie are all at stake. if this matters to You, please help... or if there's something else i should be seeking, then please point it out to me somehow.

i'm waiting on You, and doing what i can in the meantime. if i need to wait, please tell me to wait. if i need to keep hacking away at this monster, then please strengthen and encourage me inwardly. if i should be cutting lines and dumping cargo and bailing, then please give me a sign. help me to think clearly and guide my emotions. help me to do what You want. i'm after Your heart; my will is Yours to shape. my goal and my method are Yours. my whole life belongs to You, God. i am Yours.

i am Yours... save me...

amen.

faith

i feel sorry for so-called "faith-healers" most of the time, God; sometimes i'm even amused by them. but this is a serious matter, and suddenly i have neither laughter nor pity. i need Your help.

please... if her faith is well-placed, then help me place mine, as well. i know my life is a very small, temporary thing; i know my world is only the tiniest speck compared to Your world; but i also believe that You care about my world, genuinely and deeply.

please answer my prayers somehow... please be with me. please be with us. please be at work in us. please give me what i need to live right; please make me wise in this situation. please guide me in this relationship. please guide my life.

in Christ's merciful name
amen

help

Father,

please reassure me somehow, or strengthen me, or something... let me know that this will end well. please let me know that Your will is being accomplished somehow. please help me.

in Christ's saving name
amen

Mondays

Lord,

be Lord of my heart as well, and teach me to serve and honor You with my heart.

amen

murmurs of an ontological absurdity

God,

for a moment, i felt i should change the name of this blog to something more accurate. but then i realized that being a crappy doxologist doesn't make me not one.

if i had died on July 7th, would i have gone to relationship hell? or perhaps there's a relationship purgatory. that would be ironic, too, if the judge who would decide my final destiny was the same person i wronged. but i guess that's the way it really is, with heaven and hell... but the extra irony is that in order to get into relationship heaven, you have to have a good relationship with the judge of your relationship with the judge.

that sucks if you died while violating that relationship, because the judge is very biased, and you most likely go to hell.

but for some reason i got put sort of on the fence between purgatory and heaven. that's an awkward place to be, as You probly know, and i'm wondering if maybe You can help me get off of it. maybe You can speak to the judge for me, even... please?

i don't want to be on probation, and i don't want my right actions/choices to be cheapened by being counted as penance instead of good fruit. i don't want to be defined by only my actions. i don't want to have the second-best relationship of my life, as a result of my ruining the first-best one i 'could have' had.

it's true that i have ruined. but it's also true that You have redeemed, and that should effing count for something. i realize that we cannot be as loving or forgiving or redeeming or understanding as You, God, but please, please let us just barely touch the hem. even then we would be healed. just a quick touch. just Your back, as You pass. just have Your shadow pass over us.

Father God, please redeem where i have ruined. and please don't hold back.

amen

submission

Lord,

i submit to You my heart & mind, not as a servant seeking to obey, but as a fallen, ruined man seeking to be restored. i seek healing; i seek a cure for anger, a cure for arrogance, a cure for sloth.

would it be too much to ask, for some sign that these struggles are Your doing? ...or if not, then at least time-tested and God-approved? life is only becoming harder and more complex. i finish one task, only to be given three more.

i've pledged myself to You in obedience, and now You're working me to death. through death unto abundant life, i hope. please give me a sign that this is Your path; smile on me. please.

renew my heart.

thank You for the blessing that Valerie is to me, in many ways. help me receive her. help me to bless her, tangibly... visibly. Lord help me love her truly, deeply, wholly, consistently. let my love be made pure and strong and effective.

i am still Yours. save me.

amen

for the church

Father, please bless Your church with gifted leadership... and bless Valerie's life with wise choices and opportunities to please You.

amen

You would.

i see it now. You're doing it on purpose. You know exactly how much i don't depend on You, and exactly how much i depend on me, and You don't like it. You see how mechanical & methodical i am, and You're doing this just to throw me off.

...which means that my "i'm completely freaking out right now" is exactly the response You want.

sometimes i dislike You. right now i think i would rather just disbelieve that it's actually You doing anything to me at all. that way i have no responsibility in the matter, and i don't have to dislike You.

but i have no choice now except to come running to You, begging for mercy. i'm like Valerie being tickled. "eleison! eleison!!!"

well. perhaps You've got me right where You want me. somehow, that isn't encouraging at all.

please help.

amen

identity

Father,

please remind me of who i am.

amen

illumination

Lord,

i am ready to follow You. i'm sure You are aware of how much harder it is to make decisions on my own, as opposed to simply following Your orders. help me; please help me. give me what i need to live right, whatever that is.

i am Yours. save me.

i am not You

Holy Spirit, please touch Valerie's heart, and whisper to her. i rely on You for the health and meaning of every good thing in my life. i release to You any responsibility i've been unwisely keeping to myself; by all means, give me more and more work to do, God, but those things that only You can do, please take them and do beautiful things.

thank You for hearing me, and for not giving up on me. for loving me. please don't give up on us; please bless Valerie deeply.

amen

grace

Lord God,

i don't want to even begin to imagine what my life would be like, had You never claimed it... or had Your claim somehow been revoked at some point. "the boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places." i am blessed beyond what i am capable of realizing.

Your blessings have come in many different ways. sometimes You bless me by convicting me, with a heavy hand; other times, by shaping my thoughts and values to better reflect Yours. sometimes, by giving me the opportunity to bless others; other times, by surrounding me with generous, loving people.

some times You have blessed me by forcibly turning me away from bad to good; other times, from good to better! some times You have blessed me by ruining me; other times, by redeeming the ruin i have wrought myself.

i am blessed when i obey You; i am blessed when i don't, even if it's in different ways. i can't seem to escape You.

in Valerie, and in my relationship with her, and in her relationship with You, i find all of these kinds of blessings, and more. even considering only the blessings that have come to me through her, or through my relationship with her, i cannot thank You enough. but i'm going to act as though i can. so i thank You now, for her mind, for her heart, for her spirit... for her as a whole person. and for the incredible joy of this intimate relationship with her.

may she be blessed as i have been, and may You be pleased by what we do with what you have given us.

amen

God

i need help. please help me.

amen

trials

Lord,

i'm experiencing victories; i'm more and more vulnerable to You and Your touch as the days go by, as trials come and i am put to the test over and over again. You know i'm grateful.

but i am tired of being attacked. i am tired of these memories, these images, these appetites, these obsessions. i am growing confident in battle, but i am so tired of fighting. i have progress but not peace. i have healing but i'm still in pain. how long will i be suffering this way?

why can my life not be wholly new? why can You not simply wipe clean my heart and mind, and make me innocent and naive again? this thorn is alive; it twists and digs, and i pull it out and toss it away, but it finds me again... and i immediately tear it out, in obedience to you, yet it returns.

please help me...

amen

abundantly

Spirit,

please bear good fruit in me abundantly. help me be patient, gentle, kind, loving. i want to love like you do. thank you for hearing me; thank you for saving me. please don't leave me unfinished. please don't leave this, us, unfinished. Lord, we are Yours.

amen.

kairos

Lord,

i am too impatient-- if not emotionally, then mentally. i'm peeking at chapters ahead too often. i'm focusing so much on the future... it's as if the present is only the means. how much can i be blamed, or how much should i be ashamed, for not enjoying the present?

help me to live now; not only to lay the foundation for later, but because now matters.

amen

Lord,

will You provide for us?

please bless Valerie's rest tonight. grant her just the right amount of confidence and caution, and let her find success in pursuit of things that please You and honor You.

amen

relationship

God,

You call me out. i'm intensely grateful, and immeasurably blessed, by Your heavy hand, pushing me underwater until i can't breathe anymore. and when i finally release what little breath i have, and give myself to death, You share Your breath with me, and i'm more alive than when i began.

hallelujah...

amen.

dreams

Father,

You know my dreams. if i'm to simply wait on You, please help my patience and understanding; if i'm to work harder, please spur me on towards good works; if there's something You would have me do to prepare for the future, or if there's something important i need to learn before we turn the page, please show it to me. i'm waiting.

please give Valerie patience as well... but not too much.

amen

devotion

"be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

i need these words. i used to laugh at the term 'devotional,' probably because i knew devotionals were useless without devotion. please grant me this, Lord: devotion. help me be devoted to the renewing of my mind in Christ. grant me grace not only to be forgiven, but to be changed, radically.

amen

renewal

Lord,

i need You to teach me how to live. i need to be healthy. i'm grateful for progress made, and being made... but it's not enough. if this is just another difficult step in the right direction, then please reassure me and continue to convict me of what is healthy; reassure me that my mind can be wholly renewed in a way that would please You.

You know who and what i desire, and what to do with all of my desires; please teach me. please re-shape me. accomplish Your metanoia in me. tell me what is my part in that.

amen

worries

Lord,

must i keep these? my responsibilities, i willingly carry (and sometimes gladly); my cares, they come from Your work in me (mostly); but my worries seem unhelpful. Jesus, you said not to worry, but i don't know what that means, or why i shouldn't. forgive my arrogance-- if you say to go, i go, but i don't understand it well enough to be obedient. teach me how...?

please bless and keep Valerie, Lord; bless her deeply. let her find the rest she seeks through Sabbath. and, help me to understand her relationship with You. please don't be angry, i have to ask: do You feel anything for her? i've been taught You're an emotional God, Who deeply cares. i know how hard it is to see tangible expressions of Your care for people here. help me understand; help me believe.

help me to live a pure life, so that i can say, "God blessed me in this way," and let that blessing overflow into the lives of people close to me.

amen

vulnerability

Lord,

i trust You with more than i did a month ago. i need that trust as much as i need what i'm trusting You for, i think. well, almost as much. i don't even know exactly what i need, but i want to learn to trust that You'll lead me. i'm giving myself to You; it might take awhile for me to be changed, but i at least want to know that You've begun, and that You'll finish.

oh. patience... that's what You want me to have. the more i prayed that You'd ask me for something, the more i suspected: "it's going to be something difficult, isn't it?" i knew it.

well, grant me what grace i need, then, and i will use it. Lord, i want what You want; and i want to want what You want me to want. it's difficult to wait, but i have it in me. what i really need is patience, a calm spirit, a steady heart, a controlled mind. how can i achieve this? or am i to struggle inwardly, and grow through that? is this how You discipline me? by crucible? by a smelting process that burns like hell but leads to heaven?

tell me what to do. tell me which comes first: outward decisions, or inward change. i know they're a dialectic; but if the former comes first, then i have work to do. tell me.

thank You for growth.

amen

kyrie eleison

Lord,

thank You for the work You're already doing in me, and for the visible, tangible changes. You're answering my prayers, and it's blowing me away.

but i have more to ask. i need help with my appetites. i just finished telling an unbeliever that a person's motivations and desires are the clearest window we have into the core of that person. i think that's true, and i'm not at all comfortable with this dark curiosity in me. it's so hard to identify, so hard to explain... i don't know what it is, or why it wants what it wants, and that scares me, because if i don't know what it is, how can i know how to deal with it?

even as it fades away (because no feeling lasts forever), i have this bad taste in my mouth, almost like i did something evil in my sleep, completely unaware, yet still felt its effects as i awoke. please get rid of it; or teach me how to get rid of it.

i wish i could say it were lust, God, because then i would know how to combat it. i wish it were anger, that i could pray against it and remember that You are slow to anger, and that the fruit of the Spirit is peace and gentleness.

perhaps it's jealousy still? and i'm having trouble with it because it's of a quality i never (and could never) have experienced before?

i don't know. Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; grant me grace, and a pure heart, and wisdom to discern, and strength to conquer. i am Yours; do Your work in me.

amen

Lord,

thank You for owning me.
thank You for convicting me.
thank You for beginning to bear fruit in me.
thank You for rest (not mine).
thank You for hope.

please bless and protect Pastor Frank Riley, and his congregation at river47.
please continue and even speed along the work You're doing in Valerie & i.
please bless me with work to do.

please help me to know how to helpfully, lovingly interact and relate with my friends they deny Your Lordship and deity, especially DK, KL, and EW.

amen.

the real work

Lord,

i am inadequate to the task. please give me wisdom. i will trust what You say, and lean on it, and commit to it fully; i want to, at least. please give me the opportunity to become fully Yours, holding nothing back.

amen

courage

Lord

i want to believe that You're both the source & the goal of the fresh energy i've felt the past few days. i want to commit this work to You, because i haven't done that yet: please bless my efforts to become a hard worker. be my first and strongest allegiance, not only in my relationships, but in my pursuit of virtue & character. purify me by shaping my motivation. pull my heart back towards You, away from success or selfishness or other people, no matter how important they might be to me.

put me to work first for You, God. i want to be Yours in this way. please help me find a job, not so that i can accomplish my own goals, but so that i can please You with what i do.

i'm Yours.

amen

i meant what i said tonight, God, and it felt right to say it out loud like that... to not only think it, but to invite others to trust it. i would welcome more opportunities to do so. please help those seeds grow.

thank You for Your claim on Valerie's life, and for the way it's being strengthened and sharpened.

thank You for the hard work You're doing in me. i want it to be complete, and without compromise; please help me become myself, solidly, certainly. thank You for conviction, for forgiveness, for mercy, for second and third and fourth chances.

thank You for Clesi and Your Spirit's obvious, tangible work in her.

thank You for generous, supportive parents. please help me stop needing them. i want to become a hard worker, and i want my hard work to matter. i need opportunities and encouragement and so many things, God... please keep providing for me. if my goals are not Yours, i am open to Your correction. if my means and methods are not Yours, i'm willing to change. please guide me.

amen

all ye that labor

Father, thank You for caring for her. please bless her as she continues to bless those around her; bless her with wisdom for making decisions, and energy for carrying out those decisions, whether they're day-to-day choices or perhaps choices that will drastically alter the course of her life. fuel and direct and sharpen her passions, and always draw her heart ultimately to You.

amen

God,

i am cursed with the need to understand important things. i would rather be stupid and unquestioning. i hate my handicap, and if there's anything You could do about it, i'd really appreciate it. i'm purposely not being careful what i pray for, so if You are thinking about sparing me some potential regret by not granting my request, please reconsider.

thank You for Valerie. please help me to be a blessing in her life, and not a curse.

amen

Lord

Jesus Christ, You are my only Lord.

please help me make this true in my life. be not only my strongest, but my first allegiance. i wish i could say my heart desires this as much as my mind affirms it. help me in my unbelief, but more than that, help me to somehow love You truly, and love You more.

amen

birth

i'm a baby Christian all over again. i can barely digest a verse or two at a time, if that; all of my prayers are supplications; my songs are nothing more than sound waves; in silence and solitude, i'm focused on myself and my problems.

if this Psalmist's heart is Your goal for me, my Lord, then we have a very long journey to make... longer than the 2-3 days between CA and IN; longer than the distance between the dependent me and the independent me; even longer, perhaps, than the miles i've already traveled to get here.

i feel incapable, and far from ready... and only just barely willing. my prayer tonight is that You can still do something with the little i have to give.

thank You for leading me here. i'm sorry for my 21 years of disobedient wandering; i sense that i still have more wandering to do. i'm not sure i even believe in the Promise Land, but i do believe in the cloud and the pillar, so here i am, following. weakly. haltingly. but still following.

please don't leave me.

amen

good intentions

i need You to make Your dreams for me, mine... and then i need You to make them come true for me, as i pursue them. i'm not asking; i'm stating, and more to myself than You, as usual.

what are Your intentions for me? here i am, reminding myself by the hour that i'm Your belonging. well, what do You intend to do with me? is it okay if i'm expecting something more than "well, what do you want to do?" because i'm not sure You should be trusting me with me, yet.

renew my mind... i think this is what You want for me. transform my character. i want this already, but i'm seeing it more clearly. show me Your goal for me, so that i can pursue it.

i am so tired, God. i'm not sure my thoughts make sense right now. please hear my heart anyways.

thank You for good friends, and the character You have-formed / are-forming in them, which glorifies You and blesses me.

thank You for Valerie, and how she reflect to my senses Your otherwise invisible nature.

thank You most of all for claiming me, eight or so years ago. please keep doing that.

amen

vulnerability

i am open even to the judgment of others, God, because i know i deserve no defense. as soon as i begin to protect myself, i've become presumptuous.

Father please make me a humble person, by nature, over time. i invite You to remind me that i prayed this, on this night, in this situation.

amen

deal justly with me. what else would i ever do but accept Your decisions and actions as Good and Right? do what You will in me, with me, for me. i am not afraid of what You might say or do; there's no reason to be. give and take away. i cling tightly to some things, but given the choice between You and everything else i value, i will quickly (yet still painfully) choose You.

my hope is that i won't have to make that choice at all. i think You hope for the same. i hope so.

pointless

God

i feel that this is all a waste of time, that i'm going to fail, and lose everything. i'm terrified. i'm alone. i'm discouraged. i feel that i've been defeated already.

but i can endure all that, i think. for awhile.

i have many needs, many requests... i am so needy... so foolish, so ruined. i've already asked for many things, even in the last few minutes. but in this prayer i'm just asking one this: please touch me. i don't want my idea of God to touch me; i don't want my prayers to change me. i want You to touch me; i want Your grace. if i had to choose between feeling forgiven and being forgiven, i would choose the second without hesitation. i want to to be transformed, by You.

i believe You want this too; but i don't want my belief to save me. i need You to save me. God, please reawaken the desire i once had: the desire, above all else, to please You. i am Yours, only Yours; i belong to Christ. Jesus, please set me free, like that book said You came to do. please let me touch the hem of Your robe. please help me.

amen.

outdoing myself

it seems like a time comes every several months, where i pray this prayer: "i've never needed You more than i do now." it's that time again. thank You for Your gifts to me, and for discipline, and for consequences. thank You for Godly people surrounding me.

help us first to discern the right thing, and secondly to work towards it productively. please help us along the way, so that in the end we can come to the right place.

i desperately, desperately need You. i am willing; i am still Yours.

kyrie eleison

Jesus Christ, have mercy on me...
Father God, i am Yours; save me...
Holy Spirit, be with me and illumine my mind and heart and spirit...

amen

i see You

i have glimmers of understanding here and there. please accept my feeble, fickle gratitude as i continue to seek You, deaf and blind and immeasurably blessed.

help

right now, LORD, there is no heart lower than mine, no soul more abased. i am the chief of sinners. i scheme and plot my own pleasure as naturally as breathing. no one sees me when i wish not to be seen. i'm not worthy to address You; i'm not worthy to speak to anyone.

Father, be gracious anyway; please, grant me strength and integrity. grant me the power to overcome temptation; let me trade in my lusts for pure passion. help me to truly earn the trust of others.

give me a right heart, and a right life. i am Yours. save me. redeem me from my ruin.

amen.

God help me; i have no solution to this problem. it just gets worse the more i try to reason through it. my experience and reason tell me You won't help me with it, but i'm asking You anyway: please solve this for me. it's too much for me to fix, and it's too much for me to carry. please do something wise and good. please do something righteous and Godly. please please please... help me.

submission

authority's great and everything, LORD, but doesn't authority itself have a higher authority? what about tyranny and oppression and power misused? obey your government, honor your parents, give to Caesar what is Caesar's...

i've heard it all, and i really need to know: do You really expect me to submit to evil? i mean, You did, but that was a special situation, right? and You were in it for the well-being of other people, just like i'm in this right now. so how come it's not working out very well?

Holy Spirit, i hesitantly, grudgingly give way to the possibility that something in me needs to change. You're the One to go to for metanoia, right? then i invite You to influence me somehow, whether directly or indirectly, painfully or pleasantly. i'll never truly know whether You did or not, regardless of what happens, but i can at least trust that You heard my request, and cared that i made it.

i am Yours, as always, and i submit myself to Your authority. please help me.

amen.

eff

God, i have alot to say to You, but i'm fading, so i'll only let the most urgent words come out.

i really don't know how to handle these issues. sometimes i'm convinced i can solve any problem, correct any misunderstanding, heal any pain. other times it seems like the whole world is set against me, and the people i want to help the most are the ones fighting me the fiercest. there's nothing more discouraging than trying to Love someone, and failing, not only because you aren't perfect, but because the people you're Loving aren't, either.

You know that my only fear is failure; You know why. failure is the let-down of everything i care most about and work the hardest for. God, i think and feel that i've learned so much, but sometimes it seems none of that matters, and no matter how much of myself i sacrifice, no matter how much i try to make things better, they only get worse, and i hate it because i'm caught between my passion to Love people and the inevitable disaster once i actually try.

i can't sort out the chaos; i can't clean up the mess. it's just beyond me. i hate failing. God please help. bless the people i have wounded; guide me away from what might be dangerous to them; help me figure out what to do about these scissor-hands.

Kyrie eleison...

integrity

Lord,

it must be really easy for You, keeping all Your promises... since You're God and everything. but for me, it's really hard, because i'm selfish and forgetful. i know there's more to it than that, and i know this is a massive and complex request, and i realize that i may not even know what i'm asking right now...

...but i'd really like to be able to do what i say. every time. i'd really like to be able to keep my promises. i'd really like to be able to dedicate myself to something for more than a few weeks.

so God, my request right now is, please make my 'yes' mean 'yes.'

if that means some hard training, and more mistakes, and disappointment and shame, then so be it.

thank You for hearing me again, and for giving me enough faith to pray.

amen.

a plea

please, do not let me ruin the lives of the people You Love. ruin me first, if that's how it must be, but do not let them come to harm because of me.

may Your wishes come inexplicably and inexorably to their fulfillment, God. may You get Your heart's desire.

amen.

disciple me

i'm starting to realize [once again] that i can't treat my life and my faith as two separate things, no matter how faithless my life might be, or how lifeless my faith might be. it doesn't make sense to pray to a God who isn't in this world, because the only place i'm at is this world! my life's not 'out there' somewhere... it's here. and if You're not here, then what the heck am i doing with this blog.

teach me something new, Lord. i'm Yours.

inexplicable

home-school. i was sitting at my desk, doing some math homework. Mercy Me was playing. i suddenly felt Your... awareness... Your mind touching on mine. You didn't say anything, but the feeling i got could've been translated into words: I am here. i was speechless. i couldn't grasp that You would assert Your presence so blatantly. it was only a split-second, and then it was gone.

high-school. i read from the book of Proverbs almost every week for months, and though i don't understand it much, i become someone people rely on for wise advice and discernment and clear thinking. i have a grasp of the paradoxes and ironies of life, and the truth of the way things really are. i see past false concepts and unravel the Gordian knots that others bruise their fingers on. i stand up for what i know is right, and try to fight what's wrong, even when it's dangerous or unpopular. Your word transforms me.

or i read from I Corinthians, and Paul's teachings convince me of the surpassing importance of Love. i try to be patient and kind and humble and self-sacrificing, especially towards those who need it most. though i haven't yet learned to exegete, i become someone people rely on for Loving care and genuine kindness. i win the hearts of some who've never met me, and lead a dying friend to life instead. Your word transforms me again.

December 2004. i was laying on the futon in my room at Uncle Greg's, trying to process the pain of the break-up. i re-played things, made up alternate scenarios, cried... i sat there wallowing in the agony and misery of it, until finally i decided to talk to You. i don't know what it means to give You my worries, God, but i think i did it, because you took them, and i instantly felt peace. i was so surprised that i cried some more before i fell asleep, but they were tears of relief, not sorrow.

college years. i would come to the fountain every once in a long while, and for some reason, as long as it's night and i'm alone, i feel You there. it's like You're waiting for me. the light and the water are soothing on their own, but it's more than that. i don't understand how or why my mind would create a fiction like that. it seems too perfect, too odd. i don't know why You would choose to be there and not here, or why You don't seem to move from that spot much. at the fountain my thoughts, motives, and purposes become clearer, more solid. i walk away a healthier person, more fully myself.

i love to thank You for every blessing; i talk to You in the worst times, the best times, even the times where i don't think You exist at all, let alone listen to my thoughts or feelings. i fight so hard to have faith, and to instill it in others.

people look to me for spiritual guidance, Lord God. i've been given a glimpse of what it might look like to serve You and Yours for the rest of my life. if You want to complete what You've started here, then please reveal Yourself while it still matters.

help me

this is pretty much it. the end. no more wasting time, no more putting things off... no more pretending i can make it. this is where i have to start saying things like, "God help me" or "i can't believe how stupid i am," and really mean it.

i don't know what's going to happen to me.

i can really identify with Israel right now, God. this is the part where i've been worshipping idols for years and years, and even though You've sent prophets to get those high places torn down, people haven't listened. even the good kings haven't removed the pagan temples. and now it's time for some wrath.

i realize it's a very natural wrath, God, so maybe i'm more like the people from Galatians. maybe i'm just being abandoned to the consequences of my actions & inactions. but either way, i'm begging for Your help. please please please... do something miraculous. otherwise, i'll be too deep in debt to get out. i need this so badly... i am crushed by the weight of it all. i don't know what i will do if i fail.

please... i know what i deserve, God, and it isn't Your help. but if i deserved it, i wouldn't need to ask. please... please help me. please help me.

my chores

i have role-models to follow here, where You've directed me. i'm told that even the most mundane acts can be given to You, perhaps even sanctified by the offering of them. well, i'm ashamed of the truth about myself, but i must be honest: prayer is a chore for me. i don't enjoy it, most of the time, and i wish it would at least yield some sort of immediate, observable benefit. but the truth is that it doesn't. i do it because i'm seeking You; i do it because i'm Yours. i do it because my Life allegedly depends on it, and i have no other path to follow with any confidence.

so i pray now, Father, for the whole church. guide its theology and its ministry, especially in this post-Christian context. teach its servants how to teach and preach. show them Your beauty, and inspire them to seek beauty in their own lives as Christians. remind them of how You've revealed Yourself throughout history, and give them fresh insight into who You are. inspire them to work hard for Christlikeness, even as You are freely bestowing that quality on them by grace.

thank You for being the Good Shepherd. that image from Ezekiel makes me want so much to live out Psalm 23, even the part about the valley of the shadow of death.

i pray also for the requests handed along to me, some of which i've forgotten. You remember? for K's friend, who needs boldness and possibly protection. for C and his fiance, that they would challenge and strengthen each other, and that You would be always present, questioning them and affirming them at every step. for H E, with whom i haven't spoken in awhile... speak to her and bless her and encourage her and direct her. for my sister H, especially if the request she made to me a few months ago is still on her heart. for L and her growth, which has been amazing and encouraging for both of us. for S and R, and their relationship, and their children. for E, that she'll be diligent and even inspired as she finishes the tasks set before her. for E and i, that You would make us truly Christian.

my greatest need right now is for diligence and inspiration as well, God. You know my greatest fear; it's staring me down right now, smiling and waiting for the outcome of this situation. help me...

this is a selfish prayer, and You know how i'm scarcely capable of more than this, and though i can't excuse myself, You put up with me anyway. thank You.

amen.

i have no gift to bring

wouldn't You love to be prayed to by someone faithful and loyal? someone who takes joy in all the work You've given him to do? someone who isn't so fragmented and anarchic? someone diligent, devoted, humble, trusting?

i should probably ask myself how You feel about all my self-deprecation, God.

i doubt You're as human as we assume You are, Holy God, but to be fair, You might say i'm more spiritual than i would claim. i'm actually here to pray, too, so maybe You've won, this time.

Father, i pray for Your family, the church... for Your body, Christ, and for Your work throughout the world, Spirit. i have no clue how that works, though i've studied here almost three years now; and i'm not sure You're actually doing anything here and now, but i pray anyway.

i pray for my friends, and all their troubles. God, help them to understand themselves; bring them into relationships and situations that will teach them the truth about Your world, and Your kingdom. may they grow into Your image, and become close to You.

for myself, i ask for faith, because there's nothing i crave more; there's nothing that would benefit me more. Your will be done, God, even if that means letting me be tortured by my frustrations and doubts and inadequacies.

amen.

prayer of the body

such a spiritual title for such a carnal prayer, God... and it is. forgive me for compartmentalizing, but i have no choice. my heart cares only for its own comfort; my mind doubts everything it cannot directly apprehend; and my soul is dead. that leaves only my body to pray. so instead of asking you to hear my heart today, Father, i'm asking You to hear my hands as they type. that's all i've got.

gracious One, please bless river47 with the fruit and the gifts of Your Spirit. may their ministry reach deeply into the community surrounding them. may Your kingdom come through the work You do through them.

thank You for friends, God, who show me what it is to be alive. they are all blessings.

for myself, Lord, You know what i desire most. i don't think it exists, but my thoughts don't change reality, so i have some semblance of hope. it's a shadowy imitation of hope, it seems to me, but it's there nonetheless, or i wouldn't be here at my prayer blog right now. thank You for not simply abandoning me completely, in response to my unbelief.

amen.

inescapable

i cannot get away from You.

if i sink into the deepest psychological depression, You're there.
if my life is in social turmoil, You're there.
when i suck at life, You're there.
when i tell You that You don't exist, You're there.
every time i pretend to worship, You're there.
in my complacency and my incompleteness, You're there.
if i become confident in You, You're there,
and when i'm sure my whole world is doomed, You're there.

when i misunderstand, You're there, and when i can't understand anything, You're there, and when i think i understand it all, You're there.

in the midst of an impossible dilemma, You're there, and as the minotaur is breathing down my neck, You're there.

in my anger, sorrow, excitement, sinfulness, apathy, hate, and love, You're there. when i'm asleep, and when i'm awake, and when i'm in between, You're there. when i'm praying and when i'm failing, You're there. when i'm singing and when i'm hurting and when i'm trying to shut everything and everyone out... You're there.

You make it hard for me to not trust You.

please help me in my unbelief...

amen.

profitable for correction

Wise Father,

i fast because i need correction. i need to be taught the right way, the way of Life. You see my mind, and everything that hinders me from becoming a faithful follower. please instruct me. i don't know where to go or how to get there, unless You show me and take me there.

let this fast be pleasing to You.

amen.

one step forward,

two steps back.

i don't know anything about You, it seems. every time i try to grasp You, it's like taking hold of a cloud. there's moisture on my skin for a moment or two, but then it evaporates.

i'm coming to You anyway, because i need You... please, please do something for my friend. she doesn't know what to do; professional doctors have answers, but are they the right ones? what is it that she needs, God? please tell her, or grant it Yourself, or something. help her somehow. i don't know what to do; i dunno how to help.

i'm unworthy, so far from You, but You tell me You're close by, and i am afraid to call You a liar. please forgive my unbelief, my secularism, my deadness. please forgive me, and grant grace to bring me out of it.

thank You for blessings.

amen.

to grow in faith

Triune God, teach me Your dance...

i need to learn how to pray. i need You to teach me. the moment i asked You, last week, You answered, and amazed me. i'm asking again, not specifically this moment, but whenever You're ready, and whenever You see an opportunity in me... teach me! i need to learn. i want to.

i'll pray to know You better, to know Your will better.
i'll pray to give You the freedom to shape my character.
i'll pray to make things happen in the kingdom.
i'll pray in order to be close to You, even as i'm far from perfection.

God, i am thankful that You use me sometimes. well, i'm trying to be humble, which means 'accurate' and not 'lowly,' so i'll just say it: You use me so much, i don't know what to make of it! sometimes i doubt the value of what You work through me, or whether it's really You working it at all, but maybe i am too practical and not aesthetic-minded enough.

i have had, and i am having, some beautiful friendships... and i know differences are made, in my life and in their lives; it's just that sometimes i wonder if it really is Your will i'm in the midst of. maybe You can tell me? i'm sorry that i'm so easily discouraged (You know what i'm talking about). You've encouraged me tonight; maybe i'm just being Gideon. but maybe not.

what would You have me hear from You?

i want to listen more.

let it be so... amen.

to sanctify space

Father,

You have heard so many complaints of mine, concerning Your apparent absence. why can't You just explain it all to me? explain to me how You're here, and/or not here... i don't even need the 'why,' because while it would make me feel better, it wouldn't do much to help me live better. i just need to know how You are here.

it's so confusing! it's so frustrating! You've been here before, so where are You now?! why did You leave? why did You send the Holy Spirit? i'd rather Jesus, honestly. Christ, i'd rather you were here with us, than have the Spirit.

why are You like this?

none of my pleas are going to change anything. it's never that easy.

please just tell me if You really are there, waiting for me at the fountain, at night... i need to know You're really there, because if You're not, then i'm insane or stupid or pathetically desperate. i need to know; please, please tell me.

to sanctify time

Father,

i'm here to focus. Your word is fascinating and beautiful to me, and i have work to do. please grant me the grace to dig in deeply, to be faithful to the ministry which You've given me in this chapter. help my work to please You; let my mind be fertile soil tonight, for Your glory and for my edification, and for the value of Truth and understanding.

please help me redeem the time.

amen.

a challenge

God,

thank You for letting me interrupt Your flow of thought. thank You for inviting me into the conversation You are already having. thank You for teaching me to sing on key, even today.

i need Your help. i might be too proud of my experience, my wisdom, my insight. i might be too much the male, always trying to fix things. but i'm good at this, God! i know it. i give good advice. just today, four different girls have asked for my advice! and i feel ready. i am always ready to come at the call of a Lloved one.

but this time, i'm being told-- not just by her, but by You!-- that i am to sit this one out, so to speak. thank You, so much for teaching me something in that moment. You amazed me today.

i want to help, but i want to obey You and do what is best, even if that means doing nothing. perhaps it only means being. whatever i am called on to do or to say, Father, i'm ready to be obedient and helpful. i'm also ready to be a learner, especially in the relational dynamic of prayer. thank You for Dogterom and his wisdom.

i'll talk with You about it (and listen, too) more and more as time goes on.

please care for Kelsey, through her friends and through Your Spirit in her. i trust You.

amen.

fire

i know You hear me.

i know You are there, listening, watching. maybe You're even speaking. maybe Your silence is best. maybe You're unnoticed, yet still so present. maybe You care more than i do about her, and about her situation. maybe i feel like You need to do something, and maybe i'm scared that You won't, because i know that sometimes, You don't.

i am so trained to fix things, to anticipate happy endings. i don't know what else there is to do, God...

perhaps You can teach us. i'm game.

amen.

II Timothy 2:13

sometimes we are not enough to do anything right.
sometimes we are fake, or dead.
sometimes we just don't care.

sometimes we give up on You.
sometimes we're fed up with You.
sometimes we're pretty sure You made us wrong.

thank You for being okay with all that.

to play the fool

Father,

i would rather be Solomon. i would rather write Proverbs than Lamentations; i would rather the last simple statement of Ecclesiastes, than all of the understanding that leads up to it.

i just need wisdom, God. i need advice. i need help. i need to be taught how to live life.

Jesus, please take me as your apprentice. i will learn from you, if you will teach me. i need you. i want to be impressed with you, and perhaps even learn what it means to adore you. i love learning from your servants and spokespeople, but i really need to learn from you.

Spirit, be in me and guide me. i will be listening. i hear you even now, speaking of grace and responsibility and character and community and need. i'm listening.

i wait on your words.

amen.

i am Yours still

Jesus, i don't know what strange powers You have over me, but i pray Your breath never leaves my lungs again. i am so starving for Your Spirit; i am such a barren tree. i am planted far from water, and i'm not surviving. please, Jesus, beseech God for His favor in my life, that i might truly love Him and effectively serve Him.

i desire nothing more than this.

redeem me, i ask humbly, and with much thanksgiving.

amen.

philippians 4:6

was it easy for him to write that verse, God? did he have the peace of which he spoke?

thank You for my failure... for my struggle. i'm told that i must first embrace my problems, in gratitude, before i can begin to release them to Your work. that last past sounds right to me; the whole thing is what i'm trying to do.

my problem is, i stay up too late. 2a is a better time, for me, but it still wasn't early enough. please help me work on this, God, because i just missed class again. i am going to fail in many ways if i continue on this path.

please keep my feet from slipping; please be gracious to me as a student, especially in Dogterom's classes. let me find favor with you and with men, not because i'm good, but because You are.

please save me from my mistakes; please transform them into growth and learning and progress. please save me. i'll follow You, God.

amen.

confession

Christ,

you shouldn't be listening to me right now. or, if you are, you should be condemning me to hell, or at least some terrible life. maybe you already have? i don't know. i guess that would make you immanent, huh? doesn't work for me, then.

the reason you shouldn't like me right now is, i don't believe you care what i'm saying. i don't believe any of the words i'm saying really matter to you at all. i don't know why you told us to pray, but whatever the reason was, i don't think i like it very much. something tells me you're misleading me, or playing games with me like a scientist plays with mice in a lab.

Jesus, who are you? what are you doing, telling us to stand in this other world, this spiritual reality? do you expect us to just take it like a child would? seriously, we can't see it. and you're telling us it's more real than this world, that our breath really only comes because you're giving it to us.

absolutely preposterous. i don't believe it.

i wish that i could, though, and God, somehow i hope i can please You, even though i'm such an arrogant, blind scoffer. but what could You possibly hope to accomplish with someone so spiritually poor as me? what use have You for a heart hard as steel? do You even try, with people like me?

i've realized that i don't know You at all, and i don't know how to get to know You. i don't know how. please, please show me. i need to know You.

please.

amen.

hypocrisy

i don't believe You answer prayers. but i'm praying anyway. that makes me a hypocrite, right?

please bless this person with wisdom and maturity and understanding, because in my attempt to do so, i have largely failed.

amen.

i am Your enemy

my knowledge is great, but my faith is blasphemous.
my understanding reaches far, as my heart slowly dies.
my power grows, while my life shrivels.

i will depart from You now,
because You cannot know me.

mind's eye

it seems to be either blind, or getting there.

Jesus of Nazareth,

i know that you existed before all of creation. i know that you were born and raised in the Middle East, and that you proclaimed yourself Messiah, and that you lived and died doing the will of your father, God... Yahweh Himself. i believe in all of this, that what you spoke was truth.

what i don't understand is how your words and your spirit are life, Jesus. i can live without both! i can even succeed without both. why, i could even continue to make people feel special and valued, without your truth. i could continue to use my gifts, without you. i could have a good life, and make life good for others, as well.

this faith that i have... it drives me, but i don't understand it any longer. it's become a weight i carry every day, a depressing set of questions and doubts, instead of a light burden. i seem to be lost in darkness because of my faith in you! this is backwards! it would all be so much easier if i never had to think about spirituality. it would all be so much easier if i could simply subscribe to the naturalist viewpoint. everything would make so much more sense if you weren't here in my head.

you're dragging me down.

i'm just being honest. the lies aren't helping; i can't keep sweeping the dirt under the rug. i'm not even worried so much that other people would find out how lost i am; i've got a big enough problem knowing about it myself!!

i believe all this stuff, but it's like it makes no difference today! you might as well be ignoring the world. Christians follow you because of what they believe about you, not because you speak to them every day. these ideas they have, that's what drives the Christian faith. the Muslims are driven, right? the suicide bombers? who's more driven than that?! but that's obviously not your spirit leading them! so what the heck is your spirit doing?!

bad trees bear good fruit; the Godless live for God; Christians recite your words on television every day, but their voices are hollow and empty and false. everyone's faking it, God, and those who claim they aren't, are simply deceived. they're honest, but not truthful. i know what's really going on here.

your ideas are the true spirit of faith. if someone stamped them all out, that would be the end of Christianity.

as far as i can tell, God, Your Spirit isn't here. our consciences have taken over; our minds have taken over. our ideas and sub-cultural distinctives have taken over. there are no more miracles, no more spiritual experiences. it's all a bunch of chemicals in our brains. it's all the power of the mind.

we work Your will whether You speak it to us today, or not. what is there to a real faith? i used to think it was more than ideas. i've been struggling to find out how it can be more than that, but the more i search, the more disillusioned i become.

to say that you are in a person, Jesus... that's just a figment. it's an illusion. it's an illusion i'm trying desperately to prove true, but i'm failing. i'm failing so miserably.

this is how it is. if you're really watching all this, if you're inside my head right now, you know exactly what's going on. people tell me you're the sort who has a plan. well, i hope you're planning to save me, because i'm dying, and i have found no life in my own searches.

i've googled this for years, God, and after removing the irrelevant results, i'm down to zero.

i don't even know what i would take to change my mind, God. only You know that. i know You're there!! do something. from my perspective, You're completely disconnected from society.

please show Yourself again. i know You came once; i realize it made alot of difference. but i don't see it. i'm losing it all over again, God, this faith that i thought You had given me. why would You do this? and how can i ever go back? everything makes perfect sense without You here. i have no questions when You're gone.

i don't know what to pray for. it wouldn't even matter if i did, now that i know prayer is just a mind-trip, a game we play with ourselves thinking it's real. no more pretend, God... this is too much for me to handle. i will die unless this game ends, and what's left over will be someone else than who i've been and wanted to be.

this is where i'm at, and i know You're big enough, God enough. but frankly, i couldn't care less about the "what can You"s or "what are You"s.

i just want the answer to this:

"what are You doing?"

if the answer is "waiting," then so am i.

if there's more... then lay it on me.

i don't think i can ever stop waiting for You. i've come too far; it's too promising. i'm too close (yet so far).

i need to need You, and be satisfied. fulfilled. i'm missing something.

i am Yours; save me.

zeteo

Your reign, God... that is the kingdom of heaven. Your authority realized. 'but strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' in some ways i've done this, Father, but in other ways, not. please show me what these are so that i can strive even more. please grant me a greater craving for righteousness, that my life might please You more. show me how to make Your authority my first concern. make me Yours, Father.

amen.

echthros

in Matthew 5:43-48, You've told the believers of the first century to agapao enemies, and pray for those who persecute them. this was at a time when their own children were being taken away from them because of their faith. this was when the church was being tortured by the government.

i don't know how to relate. i wish i had someone persecuting me for my faith, so that i could pray for that person. You know who i'm thinking of, Lord... he doesn't bother me anymore. but neither does he worry me anymore. please give me the caring i need to pray for him genuinely, sincerely-- shape my heart so that i can Love him. he scoffs at my faith and my attempts to share it with him, and he takes every opportunity to spit acid at me. he doesn't hurt me, but he hurts himself.

please bless him with the right life-circumstances, so that he can come to life, and put to death the hatred and anger that control him sometimes. please convict him, and show him the error of his ways. please Love him, as You have Loved me, and let him be exposed to who You really are. draw him to You, Father, in a powerful and life-changing way. bless him with the Spirit's voice and touch, to redeem him.

i pray the same for her, because she can't seem to stand on her own. please bless her.

bless him as well, with conviction and Love and Your Spirit, to redeem every corner of his life.

thank You for hearing me and giving me work to do, God. You know how important it is to me, to be useful and to make a difference. i feel as though i'm not bearing any fruit. please prune me and discipline me, and make me fruitful.

amen.

life as a seed

Father...

i am happy, because i haven't followed the advice of the wicked, or taken the path that sinners tread, or sat in the seat of scoffers...
but how can i delight in Your law, meditating on it day and night?
i want to be like a tree planted by a stream of water, yielding fruit in my season, without withering leaves. i want to prosper in all i do.
i don't want to be like the wicked, the chaff that the wind drives away.
i know they won't stand in the judgment, nor will sinners, in the congregation of the righteous;
LORD, watch over the way of the righteous, but let the wicked perish.

i remember reading Proverbs almost every day, God, and not really understanding it, but liking it. i don't know if i was wise even before this, or not... but i would hope that i wasn't, because that would mean that i gained something by reading Your word. i want to believe that it is beneficial, even necessary for my spiritual life! and i know that my spiritual life is not just another compartment, another element of living, but the very source that i depend on for fulfilling my purpose and design.

and then there was the Love chapter; i would insert my name there and measure myself often, asking for help in treating others well. i meditated on that with not just my mind, but my prayers and my actions as well. i don't know how i would have turned out if i hadn't, but today people respond to me as if i were Loving them genuinely and intensely. is it because of who i am? maybe. is who i am because of who You are? probably. i hope so. i want it to be that way.

so tell me what to read next, Father... show me something to focus on, that i can feed on and grow by and measure myself with. i want to experience that again. i'm Yours to mold, if You will teach me how.

Holy Spirit, please be alive in me... don't leave me alone. don't sit still. please do something in me, even if i am not aware of it at the time. this is for Your glory and Your will.

do i really want that? yes... but i guess i also just want to be filled. i know i was meant for this; i know i'm not asking for something You didn't plan on giving anyway. at least, i hope not. everything i've read and been told says You want to fulfill us, not as Your primary concern, but as a purpose of Yours nonetheless. my experiences tell me otherwise. but i'm not even asking for that sort of filling right now. i'm asking You to make me a tree planted by a stream of water, like David said.

somehow, a full life and a heart/mind meditating on Your words go hand-in-hand. please show me how. if i could beg of You anything for this chapter of life, that would be it. that would be number one on my list. i want to want You, as Mick Stott might've said... it's a start. a restart.

i'll be waiting on You...

amen.

full

i'm afraid, because Your words have warned us throughout time to avoid pride and self-security. 'if you think you are standing firm, take care that you don't eat it.' these trips have been kairos for me almost every time.

i'm complacent and slightly depressed this morning, as i have been so many other mornings, and i'm not sure why. i don't understand how/why my heart and mind work this way. it's as if my spiritual appetite is gone when i wake up.

that's so lame... i don't know what to do about it. eating seems like a good idea and a bad idea at the same time. i guess i'll get to my homework.

i don't feel very grateful, God, but know that i wish i could. i wish my heart were full, so i could pour it out on Your feet.

thank You for not... resenting me, or getting rid of me. i know You wouldn't, but it's a scary thought nonetheless.

i'll wait for Your orders.

amen

dry

i hesitate to say that i need You, God, because i'm not sure what it means, and that means that i'm not sure it's true. but do You only give me what i need? what do i need in order to live well, by Your standards?

You know what i need. i wish i could have even a tiny sliver of Your wisdom. or maybe i just need You to sanctify what wisdom i already have.

please grant me what i need, Lord, my Provider. You know my intentions: i want to love and serve my friends, honor my parents, prepare for my future. be fully myself each day, as Kelly and Steven each encouraged me to do. help me, please... please grant me energy and confidence. please bless this next month, as You know there's so much going on, and God, i give it all to You. it all came from You to begin with!

flow into my life, i beg you. lead me from theology to doxology. make me a worshiper whose spirit takes after Yours.

i pray for Elizabeth, Rheanna, Jeni, Alex, Beckee, and other who aren't very close to me. i want to serve and love them too, if i may, even if we don't have as much in common as other friendships i have. build up in me a gracious and warm heart; train me to be gentle and kind. that's definitely something i'm not.

please teach me what it means to spend time with You in this life.

thank You for teaching me. i am learning and growing, slowly.

thank You, once again, for my amazing friends.

please bless Andrew, especially tomorrow at work and on the road, and help me to love him.

grant me enough heart to pour into others as graduation approaches. make my goodbyes meaningful as i honor the friendships that have grown this semester.

be pleased with my work tomorrow, and with my weekend as i spend time with family and friends. please make Eli's heart more and more open to and thirsty for spirituality, especially through music and close friends.

thank You for my parents, and my siblings.

please speak and listen through and with me as i interact with Lauren Mae, Brandon, Hannah, Ug, Eli, and everyone else... i want to bring more of Your heart and rule into this little corner of the world that i can influence. teach me to take things one piece, one step, one task, one focus at a time.

i want to love You somehow, God. i don't know how it's possible, but Christ, you've made that the most important thing in my life, so please teach me and shape me to do it. and help me to shape others in turn, for that same purpose.

You are my God, and my Ruler, and my Owner. i'm Yours. You inspire me with awe tonight as i consider Your name and Your nature. thank You, Father... thank You, Spirit, for hearing me and not abandoning me. i pray these blessings on Caleb and Evan as well.

amen.

taking after myself

my Lord and God,

i will go when and where You send me.
i will sing the songs You give me.
i will speak the words You speak to me.
i will play my own melodies, from the life You have planted and nurtured.

i will make the decisions You put before me, but i can't do that without a little help, Father. i need You not just to speak, but to work. something's in me that doesn't square with my life. what am i supposed to do!? have fun? enjoy myself? this is so ridiculous... lol come one!!! what's the point?

God, i am not just being weak, or unsure, or indecisive. You know me! You know me. look into my heart and convict me of not just sins, but flaws! if You find what i am looking for, please tell me. i want to decide truly and rightly.

i will wait on You. You will answer in Your own time, in Your own way, with Your own words. i will listen. and i'll say as much to those who wait on me, in turn.

thank You for every gift, for what music has done in me and through me. i don't want it to end, God, but neither do i want to supercede anything more important. i know i have a black and white way of arranging my priorities; i know that i see things sometimes too simply. show me the subtleties and nuances of what i'm doing, of what You're doing. i will watch. teach me.

what must be done? illumine my path, God... by my Light.

in Your Son's Soveriegn name
amen

You are God

i am so drained physically, that it's hard to focus. but i am content in the knowledge that You are. it seems to wrap up all of my existence so easily: You are God. and You are MY God. i am Your... Your what? i am part of Your plan, Your story, Your world, Your life.

i am Yours, like Luther said.

please revive me, Lord, i am so in need of it. i want to do well in the work You've given me to enjoy.

thank You for Nicole and Kelly. thanks for my friends at home, especially those in the midst of spiritual growth and/or awakening. thank You for ministry opportunities and dreams, and as always God, thank You so much for the music You've given us.

i look forward to You.

amen.

thank You

You gave me what i was searching for. i think. as soon as i begin to question it, it begins to fall apart, but this is enough for now. i know that when i seek You, i find answers, even if it's just me working through things. i was meant to use these faculties to find You, i think. i can find You now, even if i have trouble with believing that You are interacting with me in the present.

please help me. i need faith from You every day in order to be confident and energetic in my faith.

thank You.

amen.

overwhelmed

even though i'm overwhelmed, Father, i do feel hope, for some reason. i've been roller-coastering in that regard. some days i smile at the future; other days don't even want to think about it. tonight is sort of in-between.

but my emotions aren't even top of the list, are they? it's You i'm praying to, and it's You that all of me wants to serve... heart included. i can't seem to do anything about depression, except talk to You about it, so i hope You don't mind if i vent once in awhile.

thanks for Andrew and Micco, the guys from 6th floor, and my family at home. for my friends. for Brianne and Lauren Mae. for Clovis Christian. thank You for accepting my prayers of gratitude even when i don't feel very grateful.

i see myself right now as a tired failure, God, yesterday and today and tomorrow. please help me change... please help me not disappoint everyone... please help me to take care of the responsibilities i've accepted. please speak to me tomorrow, somehow, any-how!

i need You. this world needs You. kyrie eleison...

please help.

amen.

excuses

if i could go back to the days when You were my only worry, i would spend more time with You.

if i could just take less units, i could get better grades.

if i could just find more time and money, i could take music lessons.

if i could just get more sleep, i'd do better in life.

if i weren't so busy, i'd invest more of me into Your children.

if i could just commit to school wholeheartedlty, i could honor my parents.

if i could only hit rock bottom, i could do better in life.

if You would stop blessing me, i'd be more disciplined.

i hate my failure.

i need You.

amen.

solitude

Father,

perhaps it's simply time spent alone with You. or thinking that i'm with You. whichever it is. i'm not really sure; i doubt i'll ever remain consistent with that question/answer. and from what Tom C. and Henri N. taught me, how much time might be more important than the activity done during that time.

that might be it. it's like i don't need You anymore. in the early years, i needed you every night. i felt that need. it's different now. that's the contentment i was feeling last night. in part. that's probably the most significant thing i've discovered yet.

i have to change it, then. how can i make myself need You the way i used to? is that even right? would it be going backwards instead of progressing forwards?

i can't figure that out tonight. one step at a time, i guess.

thank You so much for my friends, and for growing me, and for music.

please help me get through my duties this week... be with heather A. as she lives life. help me find and make time for my priorities. i'm terrible at that.

amen.

sweet Holy Spirit

i hope You weren't offended by tonight's music. i'm so loving this experience.

maybe that's what's different. maybe it's that i'm happier now than i was before. is it weird that i would want to go back to that time?? li'l bit? i dunno. i don't understand myself, and i wish i had more of a drive to remedy that. i wish i were more self-intuitive. i understand some things, God, but there's so much more to know.

i'll talk to you on the way to the vending machines, and back.

thank You for my friends and family. i Love them.

amen.

plod on

Father,

thanks for music tonight... it was alot of fun. and i do see improvement. thank You. thank You for Micco and Andrew.

why can't i hunger for You like i used to? my heart burned back then. how does it come back? what must i do? i feel like this is already becoming routine. i don't really have anything to say... that's what it feels like, anyway.

maybe it's spiritual nostalgia. =)

anyway. God, if today is supposed to feel like yesterday did, please teach me and take me there. take me back. but if You are wanting something new, something different somehow, please take me there instead. show me how to thirst. please grant me thirst. please...

teach me to understand myself, so that i can live with You in mind. i want to desire You like David did. i want to obey You like Your prophets did. i want to serve You like Christ did. i want to walk with you like Adam did, but better.

goodnight, Father... i pray for Your awe, and Your peace. thank You for making this week more alive.

amen.

one more moment

spent with You. You're here, but not here... You're present, but hidden. You're in heaven, but in my life. i don't get it; i need it. somehow, i must learn what it is to seek and find, ask and be given it. knock, knock, Lord.

i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.

i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.

thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.

i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.

amen.

seeking You

it's as simple as that, God, yet still so mysterious. i'm exhausted, God, and i can't concentrate yet, so give me a minute... lol, like you did for Gideon...

alright.

i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.

thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.

tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.

thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.

i seek You still.

amen.

wretched and poor

Father, Hidden One

after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.

don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.

but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...

...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.

tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.

please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.

i am Yours; save me.

amen.

pathetic

Jesus, Lord, Father

i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.

i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.

i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.

maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!

why am i here?!

it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?

i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.

this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.

Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

amen.

a prophetic critique...

...of myself.

blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?

i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?

was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.

i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.

even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.

thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.

this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.

amen.

another one?!

i guess it makes sense that you can't just vomit once.

Father,

i have crap. what i've got isn't sufficient. i haven't made the cut. if you removed from me everything that's lame, i'd be nonexistent....

...except for Your Spirit, Your presence, Your work. God, i carry the weight of mishandled relationships (my mishandlings), like broken bones that have already set. maybe You'll have to break them again. maybe this is the next step towards the humility You've been constantly inviting me into in this chapter of my life.

God... i sit here convicted, pretty much ready to do anything. but who knows if that's even enough? who knows if i can Love my "ex-friends" the way i'm supposed to? who knows if this second wind i want to summon is strong enough to bend a blade of grass?

God, just guide me. i don't care if it hurts, or how low i have to bow. i'll squeeze my pride-fattened body (along with all the camels i've been leading around) right through the eye of a needle if it means getting into Your kingdom. or getting Your kingdom, Your authority, into me, i should say.

lastly, for now: thank You for google, God.

amen.

vomit

two months, 10 days. but i haven't been absent, and neither have You.

no doubt about blessings, God, like Molly and Nancy and Jackie and Jeremy and Jesse and Daniel and Timothy and Andrew P. and Rybarczyk and Morgan and Heuser and Austring and others, near and far. and what about a room of my own, textbooks, money, this laptop, movies, and wisdom? so much to be thankful for, God, it blows me away.

and still these fears: of failure at my job, and in class, and in relationships. in life, really, Father. my fault, isn't it? what can i do now but jump the gap and suffer the consequences? it seems just like BINT270 last semester. i just should have jumped earlier. no more lolly-gagging. it's too hard, scrambling along behind, getting further and further from my goals the more i reach for them.

thank You for already helping me through these few weeks. i am so certain of Your hand in my story. i need to focus on others, but i feel like You and i have work to do before i can fully do that.

i need help, God... with handling Heather, with catching up in classes, with getting that job that i'm so worried about now because of my procrastination. i've got to go to class now, but... i'll be back later.

thanks for rest. and for last night.

stay with me, Father...
amen.

one month

God,

summer's almost gone. i think i need it to be over soon, otherwise things won't go the way they are supposed to, inside me.

thank you for the fun... You're convincing me that it's okay to enjoy myself. gradually, You're doing it.

please prepare tonight's meeting, Holy Spirit. prepare people for it, and make it holy and passionate and deep. use what we give You to bring Your kingdom more fully and visibly to our lives, and to the lives of those around us.

please comfort the hurting, especially my female friends who don't know how to deal with the pain. give them You to live for.

forgive me for my anger.

You were awesome at camp that morning, God. i've never seen or heard of or felt anyone like You before. You are what i need most deeply and most desperately.

please be with me.

amen.