life as a seed

Father...

i am happy, because i haven't followed the advice of the wicked, or taken the path that sinners tread, or sat in the seat of scoffers...
but how can i delight in Your law, meditating on it day and night?
i want to be like a tree planted by a stream of water, yielding fruit in my season, without withering leaves. i want to prosper in all i do.
i don't want to be like the wicked, the chaff that the wind drives away.
i know they won't stand in the judgment, nor will sinners, in the congregation of the righteous;
LORD, watch over the way of the righteous, but let the wicked perish.

i remember reading Proverbs almost every day, God, and not really understanding it, but liking it. i don't know if i was wise even before this, or not... but i would hope that i wasn't, because that would mean that i gained something by reading Your word. i want to believe that it is beneficial, even necessary for my spiritual life! and i know that my spiritual life is not just another compartment, another element of living, but the very source that i depend on for fulfilling my purpose and design.

and then there was the Love chapter; i would insert my name there and measure myself often, asking for help in treating others well. i meditated on that with not just my mind, but my prayers and my actions as well. i don't know how i would have turned out if i hadn't, but today people respond to me as if i were Loving them genuinely and intensely. is it because of who i am? maybe. is who i am because of who You are? probably. i hope so. i want it to be that way.

so tell me what to read next, Father... show me something to focus on, that i can feed on and grow by and measure myself with. i want to experience that again. i'm Yours to mold, if You will teach me how.

Holy Spirit, please be alive in me... don't leave me alone. don't sit still. please do something in me, even if i am not aware of it at the time. this is for Your glory and Your will.

do i really want that? yes... but i guess i also just want to be filled. i know i was meant for this; i know i'm not asking for something You didn't plan on giving anyway. at least, i hope not. everything i've read and been told says You want to fulfill us, not as Your primary concern, but as a purpose of Yours nonetheless. my experiences tell me otherwise. but i'm not even asking for that sort of filling right now. i'm asking You to make me a tree planted by a stream of water, like David said.

somehow, a full life and a heart/mind meditating on Your words go hand-in-hand. please show me how. if i could beg of You anything for this chapter of life, that would be it. that would be number one on my list. i want to want You, as Mick Stott might've said... it's a start. a restart.

i'll be waiting on You...

amen.