i see it now. You're doing it on purpose. You know exactly how much i don't depend on You, and exactly how much i depend on me, and You don't like it. You see how mechanical & methodical i am, and You're doing this just to throw me off.
...which means that my "i'm completely freaking out right now" is exactly the response You want.
sometimes i dislike You. right now i think i would rather just disbelieve that it's actually You doing anything to me at all. that way i have no responsibility in the matter, and i don't have to dislike You.
but i have no choice now except to come running to You, begging for mercy. i'm like Valerie being tickled. "eleison! eleison!!!"
well. perhaps You've got me right where You want me. somehow, that isn't encouraging at all.
please help.
amen
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