vulnerability

Lord,

i trust You with more than i did a month ago. i need that trust as much as i need what i'm trusting You for, i think. well, almost as much. i don't even know exactly what i need, but i want to learn to trust that You'll lead me. i'm giving myself to You; it might take awhile for me to be changed, but i at least want to know that You've begun, and that You'll finish.

oh. patience... that's what You want me to have. the more i prayed that You'd ask me for something, the more i suspected: "it's going to be something difficult, isn't it?" i knew it.

well, grant me what grace i need, then, and i will use it. Lord, i want what You want; and i want to want what You want me to want. it's difficult to wait, but i have it in me. what i really need is patience, a calm spirit, a steady heart, a controlled mind. how can i achieve this? or am i to struggle inwardly, and grow through that? is this how You discipline me? by crucible? by a smelting process that burns like hell but leads to heaven?

tell me what to do. tell me which comes first: outward decisions, or inward change. i know they're a dialectic; but if the former comes first, then i have work to do. tell me.

thank You for growth.

amen