kyrie eleison

Lord,

thank You for the work You're already doing in me, and for the visible, tangible changes. You're answering my prayers, and it's blowing me away.

but i have more to ask. i need help with my appetites. i just finished telling an unbeliever that a person's motivations and desires are the clearest window we have into the core of that person. i think that's true, and i'm not at all comfortable with this dark curiosity in me. it's so hard to identify, so hard to explain... i don't know what it is, or why it wants what it wants, and that scares me, because if i don't know what it is, how can i know how to deal with it?

even as it fades away (because no feeling lasts forever), i have this bad taste in my mouth, almost like i did something evil in my sleep, completely unaware, yet still felt its effects as i awoke. please get rid of it; or teach me how to get rid of it.

i wish i could say it were lust, God, because then i would know how to combat it. i wish it were anger, that i could pray against it and remember that You are slow to anger, and that the fruit of the Spirit is peace and gentleness.

perhaps it's jealousy still? and i'm having trouble with it because it's of a quality i never (and could never) have experienced before?

i don't know. Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; grant me grace, and a pure heart, and wisdom to discern, and strength to conquer. i am Yours; do Your work in me.

amen