relationship

God,

You call me out. i'm intensely grateful, and immeasurably blessed, by Your heavy hand, pushing me underwater until i can't breathe anymore. and when i finally release what little breath i have, and give myself to death, You share Your breath with me, and i'm more alive than when i began.

hallelujah...

amen.

dreams

Father,

You know my dreams. if i'm to simply wait on You, please help my patience and understanding; if i'm to work harder, please spur me on towards good works; if there's something You would have me do to prepare for the future, or if there's something important i need to learn before we turn the page, please show it to me. i'm waiting.

please give Valerie patience as well... but not too much.

amen

devotion

"be transformed by the renewing of your mind"

i need these words. i used to laugh at the term 'devotional,' probably because i knew devotionals were useless without devotion. please grant me this, Lord: devotion. help me be devoted to the renewing of my mind in Christ. grant me grace not only to be forgiven, but to be changed, radically.

amen

renewal

Lord,

i need You to teach me how to live. i need to be healthy. i'm grateful for progress made, and being made... but it's not enough. if this is just another difficult step in the right direction, then please reassure me and continue to convict me of what is healthy; reassure me that my mind can be wholly renewed in a way that would please You.

You know who and what i desire, and what to do with all of my desires; please teach me. please re-shape me. accomplish Your metanoia in me. tell me what is my part in that.

amen

worries

Lord,

must i keep these? my responsibilities, i willingly carry (and sometimes gladly); my cares, they come from Your work in me (mostly); but my worries seem unhelpful. Jesus, you said not to worry, but i don't know what that means, or why i shouldn't. forgive my arrogance-- if you say to go, i go, but i don't understand it well enough to be obedient. teach me how...?

please bless and keep Valerie, Lord; bless her deeply. let her find the rest she seeks through Sabbath. and, help me to understand her relationship with You. please don't be angry, i have to ask: do You feel anything for her? i've been taught You're an emotional God, Who deeply cares. i know how hard it is to see tangible expressions of Your care for people here. help me understand; help me believe.

help me to live a pure life, so that i can say, "God blessed me in this way," and let that blessing overflow into the lives of people close to me.

amen

vulnerability

Lord,

i trust You with more than i did a month ago. i need that trust as much as i need what i'm trusting You for, i think. well, almost as much. i don't even know exactly what i need, but i want to learn to trust that You'll lead me. i'm giving myself to You; it might take awhile for me to be changed, but i at least want to know that You've begun, and that You'll finish.

oh. patience... that's what You want me to have. the more i prayed that You'd ask me for something, the more i suspected: "it's going to be something difficult, isn't it?" i knew it.

well, grant me what grace i need, then, and i will use it. Lord, i want what You want; and i want to want what You want me to want. it's difficult to wait, but i have it in me. what i really need is patience, a calm spirit, a steady heart, a controlled mind. how can i achieve this? or am i to struggle inwardly, and grow through that? is this how You discipline me? by crucible? by a smelting process that burns like hell but leads to heaven?

tell me what to do. tell me which comes first: outward decisions, or inward change. i know they're a dialectic; but if the former comes first, then i have work to do. tell me.

thank You for growth.

amen

kyrie eleison

Lord,

thank You for the work You're already doing in me, and for the visible, tangible changes. You're answering my prayers, and it's blowing me away.

but i have more to ask. i need help with my appetites. i just finished telling an unbeliever that a person's motivations and desires are the clearest window we have into the core of that person. i think that's true, and i'm not at all comfortable with this dark curiosity in me. it's so hard to identify, so hard to explain... i don't know what it is, or why it wants what it wants, and that scares me, because if i don't know what it is, how can i know how to deal with it?

even as it fades away (because no feeling lasts forever), i have this bad taste in my mouth, almost like i did something evil in my sleep, completely unaware, yet still felt its effects as i awoke. please get rid of it; or teach me how to get rid of it.

i wish i could say it were lust, God, because then i would know how to combat it. i wish it were anger, that i could pray against it and remember that You are slow to anger, and that the fruit of the Spirit is peace and gentleness.

perhaps it's jealousy still? and i'm having trouble with it because it's of a quality i never (and could never) have experienced before?

i don't know. Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me; grant me grace, and a pure heart, and wisdom to discern, and strength to conquer. i am Yours; do Your work in me.

amen

Lord,

thank You for owning me.
thank You for convicting me.
thank You for beginning to bear fruit in me.
thank You for rest (not mine).
thank You for hope.

please bless and protect Pastor Frank Riley, and his congregation at river47.
please continue and even speed along the work You're doing in Valerie & i.
please bless me with work to do.

please help me to know how to helpfully, lovingly interact and relate with my friends they deny Your Lordship and deity, especially DK, KL, and EW.

amen.

the real work

Lord,

i am inadequate to the task. please give me wisdom. i will trust what You say, and lean on it, and commit to it fully; i want to, at least. please give me the opportunity to become fully Yours, holding nothing back.

amen

courage

Lord

i want to believe that You're both the source & the goal of the fresh energy i've felt the past few days. i want to commit this work to You, because i haven't done that yet: please bless my efforts to become a hard worker. be my first and strongest allegiance, not only in my relationships, but in my pursuit of virtue & character. purify me by shaping my motivation. pull my heart back towards You, away from success or selfishness or other people, no matter how important they might be to me.

put me to work first for You, God. i want to be Yours in this way. please help me find a job, not so that i can accomplish my own goals, but so that i can please You with what i do.

i'm Yours.

amen

i meant what i said tonight, God, and it felt right to say it out loud like that... to not only think it, but to invite others to trust it. i would welcome more opportunities to do so. please help those seeds grow.

thank You for Your claim on Valerie's life, and for the way it's being strengthened and sharpened.

thank You for the hard work You're doing in me. i want it to be complete, and without compromise; please help me become myself, solidly, certainly. thank You for conviction, for forgiveness, for mercy, for second and third and fourth chances.

thank You for Clesi and Your Spirit's obvious, tangible work in her.

thank You for generous, supportive parents. please help me stop needing them. i want to become a hard worker, and i want my hard work to matter. i need opportunities and encouragement and so many things, God... please keep providing for me. if my goals are not Yours, i am open to Your correction. if my means and methods are not Yours, i'm willing to change. please guide me.

amen

all ye that labor

Father, thank You for caring for her. please bless her as she continues to bless those around her; bless her with wisdom for making decisions, and energy for carrying out those decisions, whether they're day-to-day choices or perhaps choices that will drastically alter the course of her life. fuel and direct and sharpen her passions, and always draw her heart ultimately to You.

amen

God,

i am cursed with the need to understand important things. i would rather be stupid and unquestioning. i hate my handicap, and if there's anything You could do about it, i'd really appreciate it. i'm purposely not being careful what i pray for, so if You are thinking about sparing me some potential regret by not granting my request, please reconsider.

thank You for Valerie. please help me to be a blessing in her life, and not a curse.

amen

Lord

Jesus Christ, You are my only Lord.

please help me make this true in my life. be not only my strongest, but my first allegiance. i wish i could say my heart desires this as much as my mind affirms it. help me in my unbelief, but more than that, help me to somehow love You truly, and love You more.

amen

birth

i'm a baby Christian all over again. i can barely digest a verse or two at a time, if that; all of my prayers are supplications; my songs are nothing more than sound waves; in silence and solitude, i'm focused on myself and my problems.

if this Psalmist's heart is Your goal for me, my Lord, then we have a very long journey to make... longer than the 2-3 days between CA and IN; longer than the distance between the dependent me and the independent me; even longer, perhaps, than the miles i've already traveled to get here.

i feel incapable, and far from ready... and only just barely willing. my prayer tonight is that You can still do something with the little i have to give.

thank You for leading me here. i'm sorry for my 21 years of disobedient wandering; i sense that i still have more wandering to do. i'm not sure i even believe in the Promise Land, but i do believe in the cloud and the pillar, so here i am, following. weakly. haltingly. but still following.

please don't leave me.

amen

good intentions

i need You to make Your dreams for me, mine... and then i need You to make them come true for me, as i pursue them. i'm not asking; i'm stating, and more to myself than You, as usual.

what are Your intentions for me? here i am, reminding myself by the hour that i'm Your belonging. well, what do You intend to do with me? is it okay if i'm expecting something more than "well, what do you want to do?" because i'm not sure You should be trusting me with me, yet.

renew my mind... i think this is what You want for me. transform my character. i want this already, but i'm seeing it more clearly. show me Your goal for me, so that i can pursue it.

i am so tired, God. i'm not sure my thoughts make sense right now. please hear my heart anyways.

thank You for good friends, and the character You have-formed / are-forming in them, which glorifies You and blesses me.

thank You for Valerie, and how she reflect to my senses Your otherwise invisible nature.

thank You most of all for claiming me, eight or so years ago. please keep doing that.

amen

vulnerability

i am open even to the judgment of others, God, because i know i deserve no defense. as soon as i begin to protect myself, i've become presumptuous.

Father please make me a humble person, by nature, over time. i invite You to remind me that i prayed this, on this night, in this situation.

amen

deal justly with me. what else would i ever do but accept Your decisions and actions as Good and Right? do what You will in me, with me, for me. i am not afraid of what You might say or do; there's no reason to be. give and take away. i cling tightly to some things, but given the choice between You and everything else i value, i will quickly (yet still painfully) choose You.

my hope is that i won't have to make that choice at all. i think You hope for the same. i hope so.

pointless

God

i feel that this is all a waste of time, that i'm going to fail, and lose everything. i'm terrified. i'm alone. i'm discouraged. i feel that i've been defeated already.

but i can endure all that, i think. for awhile.

i have many needs, many requests... i am so needy... so foolish, so ruined. i've already asked for many things, even in the last few minutes. but in this prayer i'm just asking one this: please touch me. i don't want my idea of God to touch me; i don't want my prayers to change me. i want You to touch me; i want Your grace. if i had to choose between feeling forgiven and being forgiven, i would choose the second without hesitation. i want to to be transformed, by You.

i believe You want this too; but i don't want my belief to save me. i need You to save me. God, please reawaken the desire i once had: the desire, above all else, to please You. i am Yours, only Yours; i belong to Christ. Jesus, please set me free, like that book said You came to do. please let me touch the hem of Your robe. please help me.

amen.

outdoing myself

it seems like a time comes every several months, where i pray this prayer: "i've never needed You more than i do now." it's that time again. thank You for Your gifts to me, and for discipline, and for consequences. thank You for Godly people surrounding me.

help us first to discern the right thing, and secondly to work towards it productively. please help us along the way, so that in the end we can come to the right place.

i desperately, desperately need You. i am willing; i am still Yours.