dry

i hesitate to say that i need You, God, because i'm not sure what it means, and that means that i'm not sure it's true. but do You only give me what i need? what do i need in order to live well, by Your standards?

You know what i need. i wish i could have even a tiny sliver of Your wisdom. or maybe i just need You to sanctify what wisdom i already have.

please grant me what i need, Lord, my Provider. You know my intentions: i want to love and serve my friends, honor my parents, prepare for my future. be fully myself each day, as Kelly and Steven each encouraged me to do. help me, please... please grant me energy and confidence. please bless this next month, as You know there's so much going on, and God, i give it all to You. it all came from You to begin with!

flow into my life, i beg you. lead me from theology to doxology. make me a worshiper whose spirit takes after Yours.

i pray for Elizabeth, Rheanna, Jeni, Alex, Beckee, and other who aren't very close to me. i want to serve and love them too, if i may, even if we don't have as much in common as other friendships i have. build up in me a gracious and warm heart; train me to be gentle and kind. that's definitely something i'm not.

please teach me what it means to spend time with You in this life.

thank You for teaching me. i am learning and growing, slowly.

thank You, once again, for my amazing friends.

please bless Andrew, especially tomorrow at work and on the road, and help me to love him.

grant me enough heart to pour into others as graduation approaches. make my goodbyes meaningful as i honor the friendships that have grown this semester.

be pleased with my work tomorrow, and with my weekend as i spend time with family and friends. please make Eli's heart more and more open to and thirsty for spirituality, especially through music and close friends.

thank You for my parents, and my siblings.

please speak and listen through and with me as i interact with Lauren Mae, Brandon, Hannah, Ug, Eli, and everyone else... i want to bring more of Your heart and rule into this little corner of the world that i can influence. teach me to take things one piece, one step, one task, one focus at a time.

i want to love You somehow, God. i don't know how it's possible, but Christ, you've made that the most important thing in my life, so please teach me and shape me to do it. and help me to shape others in turn, for that same purpose.

You are my God, and my Ruler, and my Owner. i'm Yours. You inspire me with awe tonight as i consider Your name and Your nature. thank You, Father... thank You, Spirit, for hearing me and not abandoning me. i pray these blessings on Caleb and Evan as well.

amen.

taking after myself

my Lord and God,

i will go when and where You send me.
i will sing the songs You give me.
i will speak the words You speak to me.
i will play my own melodies, from the life You have planted and nurtured.

i will make the decisions You put before me, but i can't do that without a little help, Father. i need You not just to speak, but to work. something's in me that doesn't square with my life. what am i supposed to do!? have fun? enjoy myself? this is so ridiculous... lol come one!!! what's the point?

God, i am not just being weak, or unsure, or indecisive. You know me! You know me. look into my heart and convict me of not just sins, but flaws! if You find what i am looking for, please tell me. i want to decide truly and rightly.

i will wait on You. You will answer in Your own time, in Your own way, with Your own words. i will listen. and i'll say as much to those who wait on me, in turn.

thank You for every gift, for what music has done in me and through me. i don't want it to end, God, but neither do i want to supercede anything more important. i know i have a black and white way of arranging my priorities; i know that i see things sometimes too simply. show me the subtleties and nuances of what i'm doing, of what You're doing. i will watch. teach me.

what must be done? illumine my path, God... by my Light.

in Your Son's Soveriegn name
amen

You are God

i am so drained physically, that it's hard to focus. but i am content in the knowledge that You are. it seems to wrap up all of my existence so easily: You are God. and You are MY God. i am Your... Your what? i am part of Your plan, Your story, Your world, Your life.

i am Yours, like Luther said.

please revive me, Lord, i am so in need of it. i want to do well in the work You've given me to enjoy.

thank You for Nicole and Kelly. thanks for my friends at home, especially those in the midst of spiritual growth and/or awakening. thank You for ministry opportunities and dreams, and as always God, thank You so much for the music You've given us.

i look forward to You.

amen.

thank You

You gave me what i was searching for. i think. as soon as i begin to question it, it begins to fall apart, but this is enough for now. i know that when i seek You, i find answers, even if it's just me working through things. i was meant to use these faculties to find You, i think. i can find You now, even if i have trouble with believing that You are interacting with me in the present.

please help me. i need faith from You every day in order to be confident and energetic in my faith.

thank You.

amen.

overwhelmed

even though i'm overwhelmed, Father, i do feel hope, for some reason. i've been roller-coastering in that regard. some days i smile at the future; other days don't even want to think about it. tonight is sort of in-between.

but my emotions aren't even top of the list, are they? it's You i'm praying to, and it's You that all of me wants to serve... heart included. i can't seem to do anything about depression, except talk to You about it, so i hope You don't mind if i vent once in awhile.

thanks for Andrew and Micco, the guys from 6th floor, and my family at home. for my friends. for Brianne and Lauren Mae. for Clovis Christian. thank You for accepting my prayers of gratitude even when i don't feel very grateful.

i see myself right now as a tired failure, God, yesterday and today and tomorrow. please help me change... please help me not disappoint everyone... please help me to take care of the responsibilities i've accepted. please speak to me tomorrow, somehow, any-how!

i need You. this world needs You. kyrie eleison...

please help.

amen.

excuses

if i could go back to the days when You were my only worry, i would spend more time with You.

if i could just take less units, i could get better grades.

if i could just find more time and money, i could take music lessons.

if i could just get more sleep, i'd do better in life.

if i weren't so busy, i'd invest more of me into Your children.

if i could just commit to school wholeheartedlty, i could honor my parents.

if i could only hit rock bottom, i could do better in life.

if You would stop blessing me, i'd be more disciplined.

i hate my failure.

i need You.

amen.

solitude

Father,

perhaps it's simply time spent alone with You. or thinking that i'm with You. whichever it is. i'm not really sure; i doubt i'll ever remain consistent with that question/answer. and from what Tom C. and Henri N. taught me, how much time might be more important than the activity done during that time.

that might be it. it's like i don't need You anymore. in the early years, i needed you every night. i felt that need. it's different now. that's the contentment i was feeling last night. in part. that's probably the most significant thing i've discovered yet.

i have to change it, then. how can i make myself need You the way i used to? is that even right? would it be going backwards instead of progressing forwards?

i can't figure that out tonight. one step at a time, i guess.

thank You so much for my friends, and for growing me, and for music.

please help me get through my duties this week... be with heather A. as she lives life. help me find and make time for my priorities. i'm terrible at that.

amen.

sweet Holy Spirit

i hope You weren't offended by tonight's music. i'm so loving this experience.

maybe that's what's different. maybe it's that i'm happier now than i was before. is it weird that i would want to go back to that time?? li'l bit? i dunno. i don't understand myself, and i wish i had more of a drive to remedy that. i wish i were more self-intuitive. i understand some things, God, but there's so much more to know.

i'll talk to you on the way to the vending machines, and back.

thank You for my friends and family. i Love them.

amen.

plod on

Father,

thanks for music tonight... it was alot of fun. and i do see improvement. thank You. thank You for Micco and Andrew.

why can't i hunger for You like i used to? my heart burned back then. how does it come back? what must i do? i feel like this is already becoming routine. i don't really have anything to say... that's what it feels like, anyway.

maybe it's spiritual nostalgia. =)

anyway. God, if today is supposed to feel like yesterday did, please teach me and take me there. take me back. but if You are wanting something new, something different somehow, please take me there instead. show me how to thirst. please grant me thirst. please...

teach me to understand myself, so that i can live with You in mind. i want to desire You like David did. i want to obey You like Your prophets did. i want to serve You like Christ did. i want to walk with you like Adam did, but better.

goodnight, Father... i pray for Your awe, and Your peace. thank You for making this week more alive.

amen.

one more moment

spent with You. You're here, but not here... You're present, but hidden. You're in heaven, but in my life. i don't get it; i need it. somehow, i must learn what it is to seek and find, ask and be given it. knock, knock, Lord.

i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.

i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.

thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.

i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.

amen.

seeking You

it's as simple as that, God, yet still so mysterious. i'm exhausted, God, and i can't concentrate yet, so give me a minute... lol, like you did for Gideon...

alright.

i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.

thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.

tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.

thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.

i seek You still.

amen.

wretched and poor

Father, Hidden One

after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.

don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.

but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...

...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.

tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.

please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.

i am Yours; save me.

amen.

pathetic

Jesus, Lord, Father

i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.

i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.

i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.

maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!

why am i here?!

it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?

i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.

this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.

Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

amen.

a prophetic critique...

...of myself.

blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?

i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?

was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.

i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.

even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.

thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.

this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.

amen.

another one?!

i guess it makes sense that you can't just vomit once.

Father,

i have crap. what i've got isn't sufficient. i haven't made the cut. if you removed from me everything that's lame, i'd be nonexistent....

...except for Your Spirit, Your presence, Your work. God, i carry the weight of mishandled relationships (my mishandlings), like broken bones that have already set. maybe You'll have to break them again. maybe this is the next step towards the humility You've been constantly inviting me into in this chapter of my life.

God... i sit here convicted, pretty much ready to do anything. but who knows if that's even enough? who knows if i can Love my "ex-friends" the way i'm supposed to? who knows if this second wind i want to summon is strong enough to bend a blade of grass?

God, just guide me. i don't care if it hurts, or how low i have to bow. i'll squeeze my pride-fattened body (along with all the camels i've been leading around) right through the eye of a needle if it means getting into Your kingdom. or getting Your kingdom, Your authority, into me, i should say.

lastly, for now: thank You for google, God.

amen.

vomit

two months, 10 days. but i haven't been absent, and neither have You.

no doubt about blessings, God, like Molly and Nancy and Jackie and Jeremy and Jesse and Daniel and Timothy and Andrew P. and Rybarczyk and Morgan and Heuser and Austring and others, near and far. and what about a room of my own, textbooks, money, this laptop, movies, and wisdom? so much to be thankful for, God, it blows me away.

and still these fears: of failure at my job, and in class, and in relationships. in life, really, Father. my fault, isn't it? what can i do now but jump the gap and suffer the consequences? it seems just like BINT270 last semester. i just should have jumped earlier. no more lolly-gagging. it's too hard, scrambling along behind, getting further and further from my goals the more i reach for them.

thank You for already helping me through these few weeks. i am so certain of Your hand in my story. i need to focus on others, but i feel like You and i have work to do before i can fully do that.

i need help, God... with handling Heather, with catching up in classes, with getting that job that i'm so worried about now because of my procrastination. i've got to go to class now, but... i'll be back later.

thanks for rest. and for last night.

stay with me, Father...
amen.

one month

God,

summer's almost gone. i think i need it to be over soon, otherwise things won't go the way they are supposed to, inside me.

thank you for the fun... You're convincing me that it's okay to enjoy myself. gradually, You're doing it.

please prepare tonight's meeting, Holy Spirit. prepare people for it, and make it holy and passionate and deep. use what we give You to bring Your kingdom more fully and visibly to our lives, and to the lives of those around us.

please comfort the hurting, especially my female friends who don't know how to deal with the pain. give them You to live for.

forgive me for my anger.

You were awesome at camp that morning, God. i've never seen or heard of or felt anyone like You before. You are what i need most deeply and most desperately.

please be with me.

amen.

someday we'll know

the song's stuck in my head, Father. I don't even know that I'm touched much by the lyrics. it's jus the music. it resonates in me.

Your creation is beautiful, God. I've seen that it is good, and I haven't even spent much time outside the once-agricultural town of Fresno. I love the music, the light and shadow, the way the wind feels and sounds. it's all real, all natural, all supernatural. creation is becoming more to me than a setting. it's a driving force of story. is reality an element of story, or the other way around?

new thoughts... all this creation going on is so chaotic at the moment. new relationships, new mindsets, new theologies, new songs, new me. it doesn't feel good, not knowing myself as well. there's less time alone, and because of that, I'm losing alot of my identity. where are You taking me? what's going to happen there?

in my story, I am walking away from my mercenary life, diving into the identity of Your servant. I have a sword, a healing kit, a flute, and my voice. I have books in a large satchel. I have a letter of recommendation with Your seal on it. I am working under another of Your servants, who directs me and keeps me responsible. I work with others who share in Your purpose and vision.

my current quests: keeping track of the fields we're planting seeds in, preparing a new kind of seed, and finding transportation for those who wish to follow You. this is good work that You've given me. I feel relevant.

I don't understand some of what my dialogical mentors are saying. I need Your help to form the right mindset, so that I can be the person You want me to be. something warns me at each new thought I come across. I don't want to be wrong. maybe I don't want to be entirely right, either... but I want to have good thoughts.

everything I think is tainted by how I think. it's twisted. interpreted. how can I have Your mind, God? where can I find wisdom and insight? I long for it, long for understanding. please bless me, God, so that I can reflect the light to shine on the minds of others, freeing them from questions that may be keeping them from following You. You have used others to bless me in this way, some of them younger and less experienced than me. I ask that You bless those around me, God, lest they not experience You as fully as possible.

am I important? can I even answer that question without being wrong? if I say yes, is that bad? or if I say no?

I'll always have questions, God. I hope to always have gratefulness and praise in me, as well, though I know that may be too close to heaven for this current chapter. oh, well. I'm following You, God. some questions are vital, even granting and enabling life.

lead me, God, and in Your grace, save me. I am still Yours.

thank You

I bow before You, God, so low that I almost sink back into the dust I came from.

I am nothing
yet You bid me
come to You
Lord Almighty

You see the depths of my heart, God, and so I know You see the passion that You put there. You know all my hopes and dreams, and how ridiculously, seriously difficult it is to pursue them with confidence. You know all the obstacles in my way and in me, and You see the answer to my every question even before I ask them. In fact, God, here are my requests, which You have already planned how to respond to:

• teach me how to Love Alexa
• teach me discipline in my daily life
• teach me how to know Your voice
• teach me how to grow in You
• teach me how to be with You
• teach me how to trust You
• teach me how to teach others

Teach me everything You are, God, so that I can reflect you brightly. That is my purpose. I Love serving You. Your passions are the greatest!!! God, I want them, desperately. I want Your wisdom and guidance. The meaning of my life depends more on You than on my own existence.

God, please do not let me be crippled by Your enemies. Grow my strength as I persevere through pain and suffering and struggles of all kinds, but do not let Your purpose be hindered by these Goliaths. Protect Your chosen people, Your beloved, from the invasion of evil, Godless causes. Do not let me be defeated by those who oppose You. Glorify Your name in the world around me by everything that You and I do. Help me to help others, unfazed by attacks of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical natures. Do whatever it is that will accomplish Your goals, because those goals are also mine.

Thank You for tonight, for reminding me of who I am and who I should be.

Thanks for friends.

Please give me yet another second chance at diligence rewarded.

You are amazing, I love You, I Love You, I LOVE You.

Please forgive me, God. I have messed up so many times, please don't punish others or hold back Your grace because of anything I've done or failed to do. God, be alive in me, and give me another chance to dance to Your wondrously gorgeous Song.

Be with me always, God, tomorrow and every day after that. Please don't ever leave me. I Love You.

I don't want to say amen. I'm not done being with You.

It is not finished.

so i wait patiently

wait until when?

God,

thanks for a great night. i'm still trying to learn how to behave, sort of, but it was a great night anyway. thank You. alot. please make Yourself real in Lexi's life. use me, please.

thank You for Jolynn, and all my other great friends. please help me rest tonight, and help me with my to-do list. gather my scattered thoughts and keep them in the 'from Isaiah' box.

hey God, i'm really excited about this whole warrior idea. please teach me more, if it is the truth, and if it is, then help me see and experience and realize that. i really love the idea of it.

God, whatever and whoever is happening to Llaura, i pray against it. so much wonderful stuff was hers, God, and now it seems like she's been claimed as a plaything for chaos. God, please begin to rescue and restore her, and give her new life. don't just lead her to good influences... lead her to repentance, and the incredible changes that You can effect in the life of one of Your children when they seek and find You.

please continue to redirect my reasons for being alive.

amen.