i am Your enemy

my knowledge is great, but my faith is blasphemous.
my understanding reaches far, as my heart slowly dies.
my power grows, while my life shrivels.

i will depart from You now,
because You cannot know me.

mind's eye

it seems to be either blind, or getting there.

Jesus of Nazareth,

i know that you existed before all of creation. i know that you were born and raised in the Middle East, and that you proclaimed yourself Messiah, and that you lived and died doing the will of your father, God... Yahweh Himself. i believe in all of this, that what you spoke was truth.

what i don't understand is how your words and your spirit are life, Jesus. i can live without both! i can even succeed without both. why, i could even continue to make people feel special and valued, without your truth. i could continue to use my gifts, without you. i could have a good life, and make life good for others, as well.

this faith that i have... it drives me, but i don't understand it any longer. it's become a weight i carry every day, a depressing set of questions and doubts, instead of a light burden. i seem to be lost in darkness because of my faith in you! this is backwards! it would all be so much easier if i never had to think about spirituality. it would all be so much easier if i could simply subscribe to the naturalist viewpoint. everything would make so much more sense if you weren't here in my head.

you're dragging me down.

i'm just being honest. the lies aren't helping; i can't keep sweeping the dirt under the rug. i'm not even worried so much that other people would find out how lost i am; i've got a big enough problem knowing about it myself!!

i believe all this stuff, but it's like it makes no difference today! you might as well be ignoring the world. Christians follow you because of what they believe about you, not because you speak to them every day. these ideas they have, that's what drives the Christian faith. the Muslims are driven, right? the suicide bombers? who's more driven than that?! but that's obviously not your spirit leading them! so what the heck is your spirit doing?!

bad trees bear good fruit; the Godless live for God; Christians recite your words on television every day, but their voices are hollow and empty and false. everyone's faking it, God, and those who claim they aren't, are simply deceived. they're honest, but not truthful. i know what's really going on here.

your ideas are the true spirit of faith. if someone stamped them all out, that would be the end of Christianity.

as far as i can tell, God, Your Spirit isn't here. our consciences have taken over; our minds have taken over. our ideas and sub-cultural distinctives have taken over. there are no more miracles, no more spiritual experiences. it's all a bunch of chemicals in our brains. it's all the power of the mind.

we work Your will whether You speak it to us today, or not. what is there to a real faith? i used to think it was more than ideas. i've been struggling to find out how it can be more than that, but the more i search, the more disillusioned i become.

to say that you are in a person, Jesus... that's just a figment. it's an illusion. it's an illusion i'm trying desperately to prove true, but i'm failing. i'm failing so miserably.

this is how it is. if you're really watching all this, if you're inside my head right now, you know exactly what's going on. people tell me you're the sort who has a plan. well, i hope you're planning to save me, because i'm dying, and i have found no life in my own searches.

i've googled this for years, God, and after removing the irrelevant results, i'm down to zero.

i don't even know what i would take to change my mind, God. only You know that. i know You're there!! do something. from my perspective, You're completely disconnected from society.

please show Yourself again. i know You came once; i realize it made alot of difference. but i don't see it. i'm losing it all over again, God, this faith that i thought You had given me. why would You do this? and how can i ever go back? everything makes perfect sense without You here. i have no questions when You're gone.

i don't know what to pray for. it wouldn't even matter if i did, now that i know prayer is just a mind-trip, a game we play with ourselves thinking it's real. no more pretend, God... this is too much for me to handle. i will die unless this game ends, and what's left over will be someone else than who i've been and wanted to be.

this is where i'm at, and i know You're big enough, God enough. but frankly, i couldn't care less about the "what can You"s or "what are You"s.

i just want the answer to this:

"what are You doing?"

if the answer is "waiting," then so am i.

if there's more... then lay it on me.

i don't think i can ever stop waiting for You. i've come too far; it's too promising. i'm too close (yet so far).

i need to need You, and be satisfied. fulfilled. i'm missing something.

i am Yours; save me.

zeteo

Your reign, God... that is the kingdom of heaven. Your authority realized. 'but strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.' in some ways i've done this, Father, but in other ways, not. please show me what these are so that i can strive even more. please grant me a greater craving for righteousness, that my life might please You more. show me how to make Your authority my first concern. make me Yours, Father.

amen.

echthros

in Matthew 5:43-48, You've told the believers of the first century to agapao enemies, and pray for those who persecute them. this was at a time when their own children were being taken away from them because of their faith. this was when the church was being tortured by the government.

i don't know how to relate. i wish i had someone persecuting me for my faith, so that i could pray for that person. You know who i'm thinking of, Lord... he doesn't bother me anymore. but neither does he worry me anymore. please give me the caring i need to pray for him genuinely, sincerely-- shape my heart so that i can Love him. he scoffs at my faith and my attempts to share it with him, and he takes every opportunity to spit acid at me. he doesn't hurt me, but he hurts himself.

please bless him with the right life-circumstances, so that he can come to life, and put to death the hatred and anger that control him sometimes. please convict him, and show him the error of his ways. please Love him, as You have Loved me, and let him be exposed to who You really are. draw him to You, Father, in a powerful and life-changing way. bless him with the Spirit's voice and touch, to redeem him.

i pray the same for her, because she can't seem to stand on her own. please bless her.

bless him as well, with conviction and Love and Your Spirit, to redeem every corner of his life.

thank You for hearing me and giving me work to do, God. You know how important it is to me, to be useful and to make a difference. i feel as though i'm not bearing any fruit. please prune me and discipline me, and make me fruitful.

amen.

life as a seed

Father...

i am happy, because i haven't followed the advice of the wicked, or taken the path that sinners tread, or sat in the seat of scoffers...
but how can i delight in Your law, meditating on it day and night?
i want to be like a tree planted by a stream of water, yielding fruit in my season, without withering leaves. i want to prosper in all i do.
i don't want to be like the wicked, the chaff that the wind drives away.
i know they won't stand in the judgment, nor will sinners, in the congregation of the righteous;
LORD, watch over the way of the righteous, but let the wicked perish.

i remember reading Proverbs almost every day, God, and not really understanding it, but liking it. i don't know if i was wise even before this, or not... but i would hope that i wasn't, because that would mean that i gained something by reading Your word. i want to believe that it is beneficial, even necessary for my spiritual life! and i know that my spiritual life is not just another compartment, another element of living, but the very source that i depend on for fulfilling my purpose and design.

and then there was the Love chapter; i would insert my name there and measure myself often, asking for help in treating others well. i meditated on that with not just my mind, but my prayers and my actions as well. i don't know how i would have turned out if i hadn't, but today people respond to me as if i were Loving them genuinely and intensely. is it because of who i am? maybe. is who i am because of who You are? probably. i hope so. i want it to be that way.

so tell me what to read next, Father... show me something to focus on, that i can feed on and grow by and measure myself with. i want to experience that again. i'm Yours to mold, if You will teach me how.

Holy Spirit, please be alive in me... don't leave me alone. don't sit still. please do something in me, even if i am not aware of it at the time. this is for Your glory and Your will.

do i really want that? yes... but i guess i also just want to be filled. i know i was meant for this; i know i'm not asking for something You didn't plan on giving anyway. at least, i hope not. everything i've read and been told says You want to fulfill us, not as Your primary concern, but as a purpose of Yours nonetheless. my experiences tell me otherwise. but i'm not even asking for that sort of filling right now. i'm asking You to make me a tree planted by a stream of water, like David said.

somehow, a full life and a heart/mind meditating on Your words go hand-in-hand. please show me how. if i could beg of You anything for this chapter of life, that would be it. that would be number one on my list. i want to want You, as Mick Stott might've said... it's a start. a restart.

i'll be waiting on You...

amen.

full

i'm afraid, because Your words have warned us throughout time to avoid pride and self-security. 'if you think you are standing firm, take care that you don't eat it.' these trips have been kairos for me almost every time.

i'm complacent and slightly depressed this morning, as i have been so many other mornings, and i'm not sure why. i don't understand how/why my heart and mind work this way. it's as if my spiritual appetite is gone when i wake up.

that's so lame... i don't know what to do about it. eating seems like a good idea and a bad idea at the same time. i guess i'll get to my homework.

i don't feel very grateful, God, but know that i wish i could. i wish my heart were full, so i could pour it out on Your feet.

thank You for not... resenting me, or getting rid of me. i know You wouldn't, but it's a scary thought nonetheless.

i'll wait for Your orders.

amen

dry

i hesitate to say that i need You, God, because i'm not sure what it means, and that means that i'm not sure it's true. but do You only give me what i need? what do i need in order to live well, by Your standards?

You know what i need. i wish i could have even a tiny sliver of Your wisdom. or maybe i just need You to sanctify what wisdom i already have.

please grant me what i need, Lord, my Provider. You know my intentions: i want to love and serve my friends, honor my parents, prepare for my future. be fully myself each day, as Kelly and Steven each encouraged me to do. help me, please... please grant me energy and confidence. please bless this next month, as You know there's so much going on, and God, i give it all to You. it all came from You to begin with!

flow into my life, i beg you. lead me from theology to doxology. make me a worshiper whose spirit takes after Yours.

i pray for Elizabeth, Rheanna, Jeni, Alex, Beckee, and other who aren't very close to me. i want to serve and love them too, if i may, even if we don't have as much in common as other friendships i have. build up in me a gracious and warm heart; train me to be gentle and kind. that's definitely something i'm not.

please teach me what it means to spend time with You in this life.

thank You for teaching me. i am learning and growing, slowly.

thank You, once again, for my amazing friends.

please bless Andrew, especially tomorrow at work and on the road, and help me to love him.

grant me enough heart to pour into others as graduation approaches. make my goodbyes meaningful as i honor the friendships that have grown this semester.

be pleased with my work tomorrow, and with my weekend as i spend time with family and friends. please make Eli's heart more and more open to and thirsty for spirituality, especially through music and close friends.

thank You for my parents, and my siblings.

please speak and listen through and with me as i interact with Lauren Mae, Brandon, Hannah, Ug, Eli, and everyone else... i want to bring more of Your heart and rule into this little corner of the world that i can influence. teach me to take things one piece, one step, one task, one focus at a time.

i want to love You somehow, God. i don't know how it's possible, but Christ, you've made that the most important thing in my life, so please teach me and shape me to do it. and help me to shape others in turn, for that same purpose.

You are my God, and my Ruler, and my Owner. i'm Yours. You inspire me with awe tonight as i consider Your name and Your nature. thank You, Father... thank You, Spirit, for hearing me and not abandoning me. i pray these blessings on Caleb and Evan as well.

amen.

taking after myself

my Lord and God,

i will go when and where You send me.
i will sing the songs You give me.
i will speak the words You speak to me.
i will play my own melodies, from the life You have planted and nurtured.

i will make the decisions You put before me, but i can't do that without a little help, Father. i need You not just to speak, but to work. something's in me that doesn't square with my life. what am i supposed to do!? have fun? enjoy myself? this is so ridiculous... lol come one!!! what's the point?

God, i am not just being weak, or unsure, or indecisive. You know me! You know me. look into my heart and convict me of not just sins, but flaws! if You find what i am looking for, please tell me. i want to decide truly and rightly.

i will wait on You. You will answer in Your own time, in Your own way, with Your own words. i will listen. and i'll say as much to those who wait on me, in turn.

thank You for every gift, for what music has done in me and through me. i don't want it to end, God, but neither do i want to supercede anything more important. i know i have a black and white way of arranging my priorities; i know that i see things sometimes too simply. show me the subtleties and nuances of what i'm doing, of what You're doing. i will watch. teach me.

what must be done? illumine my path, God... by my Light.

in Your Son's Soveriegn name
amen

You are God

i am so drained physically, that it's hard to focus. but i am content in the knowledge that You are. it seems to wrap up all of my existence so easily: You are God. and You are MY God. i am Your... Your what? i am part of Your plan, Your story, Your world, Your life.

i am Yours, like Luther said.

please revive me, Lord, i am so in need of it. i want to do well in the work You've given me to enjoy.

thank You for Nicole and Kelly. thanks for my friends at home, especially those in the midst of spiritual growth and/or awakening. thank You for ministry opportunities and dreams, and as always God, thank You so much for the music You've given us.

i look forward to You.

amen.

thank You

You gave me what i was searching for. i think. as soon as i begin to question it, it begins to fall apart, but this is enough for now. i know that when i seek You, i find answers, even if it's just me working through things. i was meant to use these faculties to find You, i think. i can find You now, even if i have trouble with believing that You are interacting with me in the present.

please help me. i need faith from You every day in order to be confident and energetic in my faith.

thank You.

amen.

overwhelmed

even though i'm overwhelmed, Father, i do feel hope, for some reason. i've been roller-coastering in that regard. some days i smile at the future; other days don't even want to think about it. tonight is sort of in-between.

but my emotions aren't even top of the list, are they? it's You i'm praying to, and it's You that all of me wants to serve... heart included. i can't seem to do anything about depression, except talk to You about it, so i hope You don't mind if i vent once in awhile.

thanks for Andrew and Micco, the guys from 6th floor, and my family at home. for my friends. for Brianne and Lauren Mae. for Clovis Christian. thank You for accepting my prayers of gratitude even when i don't feel very grateful.

i see myself right now as a tired failure, God, yesterday and today and tomorrow. please help me change... please help me not disappoint everyone... please help me to take care of the responsibilities i've accepted. please speak to me tomorrow, somehow, any-how!

i need You. this world needs You. kyrie eleison...

please help.

amen.

excuses

if i could go back to the days when You were my only worry, i would spend more time with You.

if i could just take less units, i could get better grades.

if i could just find more time and money, i could take music lessons.

if i could just get more sleep, i'd do better in life.

if i weren't so busy, i'd invest more of me into Your children.

if i could just commit to school wholeheartedlty, i could honor my parents.

if i could only hit rock bottom, i could do better in life.

if You would stop blessing me, i'd be more disciplined.

i hate my failure.

i need You.

amen.

solitude

Father,

perhaps it's simply time spent alone with You. or thinking that i'm with You. whichever it is. i'm not really sure; i doubt i'll ever remain consistent with that question/answer. and from what Tom C. and Henri N. taught me, how much time might be more important than the activity done during that time.

that might be it. it's like i don't need You anymore. in the early years, i needed you every night. i felt that need. it's different now. that's the contentment i was feeling last night. in part. that's probably the most significant thing i've discovered yet.

i have to change it, then. how can i make myself need You the way i used to? is that even right? would it be going backwards instead of progressing forwards?

i can't figure that out tonight. one step at a time, i guess.

thank You so much for my friends, and for growing me, and for music.

please help me get through my duties this week... be with heather A. as she lives life. help me find and make time for my priorities. i'm terrible at that.

amen.

sweet Holy Spirit

i hope You weren't offended by tonight's music. i'm so loving this experience.

maybe that's what's different. maybe it's that i'm happier now than i was before. is it weird that i would want to go back to that time?? li'l bit? i dunno. i don't understand myself, and i wish i had more of a drive to remedy that. i wish i were more self-intuitive. i understand some things, God, but there's so much more to know.

i'll talk to you on the way to the vending machines, and back.

thank You for my friends and family. i Love them.

amen.

plod on

Father,

thanks for music tonight... it was alot of fun. and i do see improvement. thank You. thank You for Micco and Andrew.

why can't i hunger for You like i used to? my heart burned back then. how does it come back? what must i do? i feel like this is already becoming routine. i don't really have anything to say... that's what it feels like, anyway.

maybe it's spiritual nostalgia. =)

anyway. God, if today is supposed to feel like yesterday did, please teach me and take me there. take me back. but if You are wanting something new, something different somehow, please take me there instead. show me how to thirst. please grant me thirst. please...

teach me to understand myself, so that i can live with You in mind. i want to desire You like David did. i want to obey You like Your prophets did. i want to serve You like Christ did. i want to walk with you like Adam did, but better.

goodnight, Father... i pray for Your awe, and Your peace. thank You for making this week more alive.

amen.

one more moment

spent with You. You're here, but not here... You're present, but hidden. You're in heaven, but in my life. i don't get it; i need it. somehow, i must learn what it is to seek and find, ask and be given it. knock, knock, Lord.

i praise You, the Maker and Sustainer, the goal of my life, which came and comes from You. i thank You for the energy i've had, the encouragement from friends and teachers, and the invigorating, exciting experience of learning. i am so glad i chose to major in religion; every time i think about something i'm thankful for, a dozen other things occur to me and i just get buried under the thank-You's i want to say.

i have two requests tonight: that you would give me the energy i need to minister from where i'm at right now (use me, God...), and that You would somehow grant Andrew and i success in our latest venture. i am only pressing forward because You have pressed first, God; i follow You and no other. only You can guide me, and only You can move me when i am stubborn. i have an abundance of doubt, God, but maybe it's caution. i don't know how much to keep.

thank You for my amazing friends, and for sleep.

i confess that i still need You, God, today and tomorrow and forever. You give me hope, and faith. teach me how to truly love You, and what that means. i desire nothing more than to please You.

amen.

seeking You

it's as simple as that, God, yet still so mysterious. i'm exhausted, God, and i can't concentrate yet, so give me a minute... lol, like you did for Gideon...

alright.

i need You still, King of All. it blows my mind that i am making my request known to the one and only Sovereign, even more that my request is for You and not some thing that You possess. i don't even know what i mean when i ask! i hope that i mean something right. i don't know what else to do but seek You. i wish i could explain it, yet i'm glad i cannot. i don't want to own You. i want You to own me; this is the way it should be. own me and order me, Lord.

thank You for blessings i counted today, in friends, mentors, guests, minor and major characters and influences. i am immeasurably blessed. i can no more count all of Your gifts than i can count the sand on Balboa Beach, or the stars in the sky (when it's clear...) for these i feebly thank You. for inspiration. for encouragement. for ministry. for application and sharing. for worship. for learning. for Evan. for Brianne. for Caleb. for Stephanie.

tonight i ask only that You would once again grant me the rest i need to get through my day tomorrow. help me to calm down as i sleep. i hand over myself, my life, my worries to You tonight.

thank You for being my mysterious, generous, wise God. i am Yours; save me.

i seek You still.

amen.

wretched and poor

Father, Hidden One

after many individual influences and a long train of experiences and memories, i've concluded that i've lost my taste for You since beginning to learn more about You.

don't get me wrong, the things i've learned have birthed in me a growing gratitude, a stronger faith, and a confidence in my being equipped to do Your work. i praise and worship and pray now, actually having an understanding of what those things are! for the first time in life, i feel as though i've begun to truly learn what it is to worship, to pray, to praise, to find life in Your teachings.

but if you are the Source, God, then i am drinking from water that's traveled many miles. it remains pure, because of where You have placed me, but though my thirst for water is quenched, i still yearn to visit the Source. even if i had to give up everything i've learned about my faith, God, i would not hesitate to come and be with You. the days when i spent almost every night in prayer were so empty of spiritual satisfaction...

...but being unsatisfied is what devotion truly is. seeking You means not finding You. to be hungry for Your presence is to lack it. i long to long for You, God. i am becoming fat and happy here, nourished by the best this land has to offer. You've declared it good to eat, God, but i don't just want You to feed me. i want You. i'm not really sure what that means, but i know it's true. please plant in me a greater unsatisfaction, that i would become more devoted.

tonight i confess that i don't know how to turn my heart and mind around. i confess that i cannot be independent. i confess that, for all my gifts and powers and skills and talents and blessings, i am still wretched and poor. i am desperately in need of You, God. i confess my sin of satisfaction, in thinking i had finally 'made it'; my sin of pride, in thinking i had grown out of the need for time given to You. i need it more than ever, God. Father, i have met and submitted to Your son; i have invited and become animated by Your spirit; but it is You i truly long for.

please don't let me down... i will seek You. please don't let me live alone. i know that i will not see Your face until after the judgment has come and gone, but if there's something essential to my spiritual life that i am missing, please lead me to it. i will follow. turn me if i am headed in the wrong direction. call to me and encourage me if i am on the right track. acknowledge my prayers, i beg, and find me in my poverty.

i am Yours; save me.

amen.

pathetic

Jesus, Lord, Father

i don't know what this feeling is. it's a combination of responsibility, guilt, boredom, apathy, lethargy, sloth, weariness, anxiety, and maybe some other stuff. why? is it supposed to feel like this? i'm so clueless. i have no idea what's going on.

i still want to recapture that devotion and fear, God. it's hard. i feel smarter, older, more sophisticated and independent. i feel like i matured in the wrong direction: more towards myself than You.

i feel like a fake, pretending i'm doing alright. i'm sliding by; i'm taking advantage of my autonomy, rather than of Your gifts to me. i'm lazy, self-serving, and ungrateful in my lifestyle. school's not as important to me as i've been taught it should be, especially with all of the money my parents are paying. it's as if my grades don't really matter.

maybe i'm questioning my role as a student. i feel like these A's and B's and C's won't matter after graduation, so what's the point? why am i doing this? i am drawn to church ministry right now, and i'd much rather be spending time working on music with Andrew and preparing my summer church plans, than doing this lame homework. seriously, developmental psychology? relate my life to something out of the book? i finish this crap in a few hours and then forget it forever!

why am i here?!

it's a ridiculous question in light of the amazing things i'm learning about the Christian faith, but it comes to mind nonetheless. i feel the way i think many high-school friends of mine feel about school. is this just me and my flaws? is it an expression of something true? what would You say to me if You were here now?

i must seek You more. i have almost no faith at all that sitting in silence, typing these prayers, and reading my bible will reveal any kind of answers to the problems of my life. maybe i've compartmentalized my life. maybe You're too separate, or too far away, whatever the heck that means.

this is not the road i want to be on, God. or, at best, this isn't the way i want to be traveling it, even if it is the right road. i'm sick and tired of myself, God, and i don't know what to do. please help me. i need You. please help me.

Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me a sinner.

amen.

a prophetic critique...

...of myself.

blogging a prayer to You is different than journaling a prayer to You. it seemed more sacred back then, on that oversized calculator. it was serious. i was having a hard time. nowadays, it's as if You're not scary anymore. where is the fear i had once? where's the sense of being humbled? where's the reverence?

i don't know how to recapture it, Father. i don't know how to find that heart again. this whole Deus abscondus thing, this whole MTD thing, this whole apathy thing... as much as i speak against these, they are still influencing me. i want to fear You. how?

was it simply my regular devotion that shaped my heart? or is it that i'm in a different place today? no, that's what it is: You've become too familiar. far too familiar.

i confess tonight, my God and King, that i have been pretending to know You. how ridiculous. i can barely manage to give You credit for Your creation! i am learning so much, and i am growing so much. but in this one respect, i am failing: i'm not seeking You. before i learned these things, i didn't know how hidden You were. now that i realize it, and understand it, it might be that i've subconsciously given up. i've given in to the pressure, the intimidating fact of Your fadeout from my reality.

even if it's only a few minutes, God, i will make You my Lord tomorrow morning. i will devote myself to You in a new way. i want You to lead me, not just in the practical sense, but in the figurative sense. be in front of me always, Christ, leading me to the Father and His future.

thank You for conviction, and for Michelle. i pray that You would come into my life in a more tangible way. please don't turn away as i approach. even though You're not here, even though You're hidden, even though You're waiting in another place, i will still chase after You as though You were only a prayer away.

this is my heart, right now. please form it and make it solid, yet tender. help me to keep my heart's promise.

amen.