someday we'll know

the song's stuck in my head, Father. I don't even know that I'm touched much by the lyrics. it's jus the music. it resonates in me.

Your creation is beautiful, God. I've seen that it is good, and I haven't even spent much time outside the once-agricultural town of Fresno. I love the music, the light and shadow, the way the wind feels and sounds. it's all real, all natural, all supernatural. creation is becoming more to me than a setting. it's a driving force of story. is reality an element of story, or the other way around?

new thoughts... all this creation going on is so chaotic at the moment. new relationships, new mindsets, new theologies, new songs, new me. it doesn't feel good, not knowing myself as well. there's less time alone, and because of that, I'm losing alot of my identity. where are You taking me? what's going to happen there?

in my story, I am walking away from my mercenary life, diving into the identity of Your servant. I have a sword, a healing kit, a flute, and my voice. I have books in a large satchel. I have a letter of recommendation with Your seal on it. I am working under another of Your servants, who directs me and keeps me responsible. I work with others who share in Your purpose and vision.

my current quests: keeping track of the fields we're planting seeds in, preparing a new kind of seed, and finding transportation for those who wish to follow You. this is good work that You've given me. I feel relevant.

I don't understand some of what my dialogical mentors are saying. I need Your help to form the right mindset, so that I can be the person You want me to be. something warns me at each new thought I come across. I don't want to be wrong. maybe I don't want to be entirely right, either... but I want to have good thoughts.

everything I think is tainted by how I think. it's twisted. interpreted. how can I have Your mind, God? where can I find wisdom and insight? I long for it, long for understanding. please bless me, God, so that I can reflect the light to shine on the minds of others, freeing them from questions that may be keeping them from following You. You have used others to bless me in this way, some of them younger and less experienced than me. I ask that You bless those around me, God, lest they not experience You as fully as possible.

am I important? can I even answer that question without being wrong? if I say yes, is that bad? or if I say no?

I'll always have questions, God. I hope to always have gratefulness and praise in me, as well, though I know that may be too close to heaven for this current chapter. oh, well. I'm following You, God. some questions are vital, even granting and enabling life.

lead me, God, and in Your grace, save me. I am still Yours.

thank You

I bow before You, God, so low that I almost sink back into the dust I came from.

I am nothing
yet You bid me
come to You
Lord Almighty

You see the depths of my heart, God, and so I know You see the passion that You put there. You know all my hopes and dreams, and how ridiculously, seriously difficult it is to pursue them with confidence. You know all the obstacles in my way and in me, and You see the answer to my every question even before I ask them. In fact, God, here are my requests, which You have already planned how to respond to:

• teach me how to Love Alexa
• teach me discipline in my daily life
• teach me how to know Your voice
• teach me how to grow in You
• teach me how to be with You
• teach me how to trust You
• teach me how to teach others

Teach me everything You are, God, so that I can reflect you brightly. That is my purpose. I Love serving You. Your passions are the greatest!!! God, I want them, desperately. I want Your wisdom and guidance. The meaning of my life depends more on You than on my own existence.

God, please do not let me be crippled by Your enemies. Grow my strength as I persevere through pain and suffering and struggles of all kinds, but do not let Your purpose be hindered by these Goliaths. Protect Your chosen people, Your beloved, from the invasion of evil, Godless causes. Do not let me be defeated by those who oppose You. Glorify Your name in the world around me by everything that You and I do. Help me to help others, unfazed by attacks of spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical natures. Do whatever it is that will accomplish Your goals, because those goals are also mine.

Thank You for tonight, for reminding me of who I am and who I should be.

Thanks for friends.

Please give me yet another second chance at diligence rewarded.

You are amazing, I love You, I Love You, I LOVE You.

Please forgive me, God. I have messed up so many times, please don't punish others or hold back Your grace because of anything I've done or failed to do. God, be alive in me, and give me another chance to dance to Your wondrously gorgeous Song.

Be with me always, God, tomorrow and every day after that. Please don't ever leave me. I Love You.

I don't want to say amen. I'm not done being with You.

It is not finished.

so i wait patiently

wait until when?

God,

thanks for a great night. i'm still trying to learn how to behave, sort of, but it was a great night anyway. thank You. alot. please make Yourself real in Lexi's life. use me, please.

thank You for Jolynn, and all my other great friends. please help me rest tonight, and help me with my to-do list. gather my scattered thoughts and keep them in the 'from Isaiah' box.

hey God, i'm really excited about this whole warrior idea. please teach me more, if it is the truth, and if it is, then help me see and experience and realize that. i really love the idea of it.

God, whatever and whoever is happening to Llaura, i pray against it. so much wonderful stuff was hers, God, and now it seems like she's been claimed as a plaything for chaos. God, please begin to rescue and restore her, and give her new life. don't just lead her to good influences... lead her to repentance, and the incredible changes that You can effect in the life of one of Your children when they seek and find You.

please continue to redirect my reasons for being alive.

amen.

all that long

it hasn't been all that long, God. please forgive my voice, now. it's different, I know. it used to be that i spoke nothing but my meaning, and nothing was hidden. it used to be that i spoke plainly, without embellishment, eloquence, or fancy styles. i don't like how i am now. i like how i was, straight with You, direct with You.

today, i got to class on time, took care of some stuff on my list, enjoyed the tutoring (and the frap), and did fairly well on that OT exam. (thanks for the help.) it is always alot of fun talking to Brandon. thank You for such an awesome friend.

thank You for this song, "she's you." i love it, and everyone else is enjoying it, too. thanks for the poem, too... "you." i have yet to see if it's good. =)

i'm sorry i left You alone. it used to be that i came to You every day. now i pray to You once a month, and what is that?! i can't even remember to capitalize You! so easy to lowercase myself, though.

i have questions, God, such profound and deep questions... but it's like i said. when i think You're crazy, You're a genius. when i think You're silent, You're writing me a song to blow away every song before it. You're romantic like that, i guess.

i want to do this more.

when can i see You again?

i feel like my prayers are firmer on the screen. i publish, and it goes to Your inbox, and You're like, "hey, mail from My son!" who only mails you once a month. geez. more, God... more. show me what it is to be with You, and what it does.

please take Llaura into Your hands, and remind me that i'm in Yours, as well. please teach me a faith that is stronger. thank You for blessing Evan; bless him still more, God.

and my dreams for the summer? i pray that they are Yours as well.

thank You.

amen

desires

Father,

I want something I had, something I cannot have, something You gave, something only You can give again. I want it. I have to stop lying. I'm pursuing it, God, in my heart and in my mind, and sometimes in my words.

If this desire is not something I should have right now, then I pray that You would show me that. God, send me some sign that I am on the right track, or if not, then shake this out of me. It is deep, God... and its roots are strong. You'll have to break me harder if it's really going to leave. But I'm asking You to do what You will with me!

You've stirred in me a fire, and a passion. I can neither explain nor contain either one. You have held me and broken me, and You are molding and making me more and more like You (slowly). I want to Love You, to fear You, to draw ever nearer as I worship You. It's what I've come for.

(Thank You for music.)

God, please...! Either I'm doing nothing wrong in this, or there is something I can do better. Please tell me which is true. I want Your will more than I want mine. Llaura is so beautiful, God... every aspect of her draws me. You brought us together! You created something divine, and we were only along for the ride, God.

I know I failed. I did not nurture her as I should have. I take responsibility for my actions, God, both the things I failed to do and the things I did that were unloving. But, God... what is this for?

You know what scares me the most? I am so afraid that she will not heal. I am afraid her heart's been re-shaped, past the point of restoration. I know You can always lead her back to You, God, but what about me? What is going to happen to our relationship? Will we be together again? She says we won't, but she's said many things...

You've said I should Love her. I know that. You've taught me how, God, and You're still teaching me. You wanted me to do this. You were happy for us. It was Your plan all along. Now I am shivering and chattering on that cold, dark train platform.

I will not preach to myself a sermon with no basis. Things do not always happen like they did in similar situations prior. Yet I hold on to stories like Hosea's, and mine. When I think You're crazy, you're actually a genius. When I think there is no hope for healing, You not only heal, you upgrade, just like Your Word said. When I think You are silent, You are weaving a beautiful, moving message for me.

Please weave me a message tomorrow. I love hearing You speak.

Amen.

vision

God,

Your vision is EPIC. I love it. please teach me more, and give me momentum. i want to take this back to my emerging church, God. please prepare the hearts and minds of Your children at clovis Christian for the incredible work You have planned for them.

thank You for being with me, and for Your patience.

amen.

a beggar's pleas

Father,

i cannot shake these feelings. i sing, but my heart still bleeds. i cry for healing. i cry for You to save me. i don't like this, God. i HATE IT.

I HATE THIS FEELING.

I HATE BEING FAR APART.

I HATE WHAT SHE'S DOING TO ME.

I LOVE HER ANYWAY.

SHE IS SELFISH AND BLIND.

no matter what i do or think or feel, nothing changes. i don't want to be pitiful anymore. i'm groveling, God, and it is humiliating. i don't know if humbling and humiliating are the same thing.

if this is part of Your plan to restore us, God, please tell me. please tell me i'm going to come out of this. please tell me Llaura is going to come to her senses. please give me a reason to keep going. please stop the pain.

please forgive my mistakes, and reward my perseverance.

i love talking to You.

amen.

giver

God,

You like to give gifts. Every good and perfect gift comes from above, from the Father of Lights, with whom there is no shadow or variation due to change.

You once gave me a very precious gift. I'd say it's one of the three best gifts you give in this life. Then You allowed it to be taken away. Now I have a rock.

And I feel like throwing it.

But if there is a gem hidden inside, please give me the strength to break it open, or else You break it open for me. I am so tired and hurting. I need You, God, because You're the only One with the authority to change this. You have the access codes, the connections, the know-how... everything is Yours, God.

Please grant me a glimpse of Llaura's heart, and let me know if she still has any feeling for me, and if there is any hope for the two of us, romantically. I am tired, God. I cannot do anything unless and until You do.

I will wait for as long as I have to, God, but if my hope is in vain, please tell me.

I believe in Your Love, and I believe You know exactly why You're allowing this to happen. I know You have a reason for it. I know that that reason is the best reason there could be, because You are God, and You understand.

I know that I have little faith, but God, look at my Love, and judge me. By the law of grace and mercy, which was brought by Your Son a little while ago, judge me and see if I have not been faithful to Llaura. Try me, test me, and approve me, because I have Loved her like no other guy has. I have devoted myself to You and to her, and though I've made mistakes, I've repented of them, and striven to always glorify You with our relationship. I have worked so hard, hurt so much, sacrificed for so long... God, You know me! You know all this!

Please reward Your beLoved, Isaiah, and do not turn Him away from You. He asks for a seed, God, and asks that You would make it grow as he tries to water it.

I am Your slave, God, but also Your heir. I ask these things humbly, yet with the utmost passion and confidence that You will not deal falsely with me.

Thank You for listening, Almighty One...

Amen.

words?

God,

i feel like there's nothing to say. but i wanted to talk to You anyway.

okay, now i've got it. Llaura is scaring me, over and over again. She's hurting me. She's sinning against me. i want to forgive her, but she won't acknowledge that she did anything wrong, or even talk about what's wrong. This is all wrong, God... i know You see what's happening!

i know you Love me. i know You Love her. i know You wanted us to be together, and i cannot fathom why You are not acting! here i sit, slowly boiling to death, holding on to Your promises and some secular hope for a restored relationship, while You, the Great Physician, do apparently nothing.

why will You not save me, God? why will You not soften her heart, convict her, and restore us? what are You doing to me?

i want to trust You, God. show me something of You... please.

i ask for this in Your name,
as Your child and servant
Amen.

^_^

God,

I'm excited to soak in Your Word. Please bless my efforts in that class.

Isaiah

sorry

Father,

i'm sorry. it's easy to lose focus. i'm trying again tomorrow morning. i want to Love You. please bless Llaura and Alexa and Alissa and Lisa, and my family and friends.

thank You for being my Father.

amen

questions

God, Great Mystery,

are You more interested in my company, or my discipline? should i be focused more on growing and learning, or on being with You? if i am to glorify You, don't i have to come to a deeper understanding and discipline? but i am trying, and i feel like it's impossible. i feel like i'm being held back a grade, because i missed something fundamental.

i am missing something fundamental. that's what it seems like. i mean, i've been learning things and all, but i don't feel like i'm a better person. i don't feel like i'm growing in my faith. maybe i should chart my growth?

i'm definitely more concerned with Your will than i was a few years ago. i think i am understanding the characteristics of Love better, even if i haven't Loved very well. i've discovered things about the importance of community, and what You are, and i better understand the nature of my humanity. i learn the same things over and over, through different situations. i have made some improvements.

but i feel like i need to be fixed. i thought that feeling was supposed to be taken care of when i was made new. when You brought my soul back to Life, wasn't that supposed to change something? the biggest difference is how strongly i believe in You.

and where are You, God? which things are from You, and which are not? how do You move today? how do i tell the difference between a good feeling and a moving of the Spirit? how do i discern good thoughts from God thoughts?

is it Scripture, only? or other things, too? why do i feel like i don't understand Scripture? sometimes i think the heavens open, and other times i feel like i'm only half-conscious.

okay, here's a thought: usually i read the bible as if doing homework. every day i go to class (devoted life 101) and get questions wrong and fail tests, and sometimes say or do something that makes You smile. i like gold stars. but then i leave You, and go somewhere alone and try to understand Your words. maybe i should be calling the Professor and asking for help with the material. i don't think i can understand anything very well without Your help.

so here goes.

guilt

Father,

i feel guilty about not doing well on the VU Theatre project.

i feel guilty about not going through this stack of papers on my desk.

i feel guilty about not going to the bank to get book money.

i feel guilty about not e-mailing Amy about the world civ text.

i feel guilty about doing nothing to glorify You today.

i feel guilty about having fun with blogs and music and movies.

i feel guilty about spending all my time entertaining myself.

i feel guilty about not enjoying You like i want/should.

i feel guilty about hanging up on Llaura the other night.

i feel guilty about putting her picture on my wall.

i feel guilty about not being a good friend to my good friends.

i feel guilty about slacking off spiritually.

i feel guilty about not doing anything about my problems.

i feel guilty about taking only 12 units this semester.

i feel guilty about not doing much work for Ug.

i feel guilty about not worshipping You in spirit.



i am so messed up.

i think i can't possibly get deep into Your Words.

i think i can't understand what You are saying.

i think i can't hear Your voice.

i think i can't see You leading me.



i wonder if it's all my fault.

i wonder if i can change.

i wonder if it's my job to change me.

i want to fall in Love with You, God. i told You that yesterday, huh? it's still true. please help me.

please show me how to treat Llaura in the here and now.

amen.

thoughts

God,

right now, i just need to give You my thoughts.

this road... i don't know where it leads, and i don't know if You're leading me down it. last night i thought You were, but now i'm doubting. if i do this, if i walk this path, it means i am giving up everything i want for myself, and possibly gaining whatever You want. how can i give up my strongest desires for a possibility?

what if i'm wrong? will You correct me? if i go this way, and it's not what You want, will you stop me? what if this is a misleading?

how do i know where Your'e going? i am searching for You right now, God, and i want to find you. You said that if i seek, i find. if i knock, the door opens. if i ask, You give it to me.

in Your name, i am asking this: guide me as i move forward. i am moving into a dark, dense fog, where only You can guide me. You guided your people in the form of a cloud, or a fire, or sometimes an audible voice. You talked to Samuel, and Moses, and Abraham, and Jacob, and Job, and many people in the New Testament (through Jesus). now we have Your Holy Spirit, and i need to recognize His voice if i am to follow it.

so now my prayer is that You would help me recognize Your voice, among the many other voices. i need to recognize Your voice. please grant me this request, so that i can glorify You. it's what my soul wants and needs, and it's what You want and need.

if nothing else, God- if you strike me deaf- at least don't strike me blind. let me see You so that i can follow You wherever You go.

this feeling is growing strong again. i will follow it.

Lord, please calm my fears and ease my pain. she is scaring me, and hurting me. please ease my pain and strengthen (renew) my committment to her, and to You.

thank You, God.

amen.

honesty

Father,

today it seems as though i have no spirituality. my heart is cold and selfish, and my soul is sleeping. i pray that You grant me time to sleep, the ability to accomplish the day's goals, and a spirit of Love towards You and others.

please grant Llaura these things, also. i Love her. please talk to her. please speak Your kingdom life, Your Word, into her reality.

if there is anything specific i am supposed to do in that situation, please tell me. i will make time to listen.

amen.

my third wish

God,

can i please change my wishes?

here they are:

1) i wish for wisdom, the kind that discerns You from everything else

2) i wish for more life-changing Love (is that two wishes?)

3) i wish for humility

amen.

my second wish

God, my second wish would be to recognize Your One voice amidst the many. thank You.

wronged

YAHWEH

You know exactly how i feel, because You went through it, Yourself. You had a covenant promise with Israel, and they betrayed it. They worshipped other gods, because they got tired of waiting or they didn't like Your style or they forgot about You. The most prevalent analogy for them in the Old Testament is that of a bride. Therefore, when they sinned like that, the analogy was adultery/promiscuity.

i know that You know how it feels to be sinned against like that. That knowledge helps, some. i'm not worthy of worship; that's not what i am implying. i only mean to say that i've been betrayed by someone who had a covenant with me. she had her reasons- i was becoming unattractive, another guy was becoming attractive, whatever- but there is no justification for something like that. Excuses, yes. Reasons, the reasonable kind? No.

So this morning i woke up and thought about how sleepy i was, and how angry at myself i was for staying up late, and only giving myself four hours of sleep, and i was reminded of Llaura, as tends to happen daily. i still feel wronged. i cannot get that mental vomit feeling out of me. i am not holding a grudge. i am not unwilling to forgive, but... God, she won't even admit what she did! She says she's sorry for hurting me. That's not an apology; that's the admission of a feeling. Who knows if the feeling is guilt, and if it is, what is she feeling guilty about?

i want to forgive her, God. i don't want this wronged feeling anymore. Can You take it away? Is it possible that it could just vanish at Your command, even without an apology from her? It doesn't seem right, yet it seems the only option. How can i possibly forgive her when she has so much selfishness and pride?

i know that You died for our forgiveness, but i'm not really sure where the forgiveness part comes in. Did You forgive everyone when You were on the cross, or did that only make it possible for You to forgive us? i mean, do You forgive people before they ask for forgiveness? i don't think You do. i'm not certain, but what i've been taught and what i've seen says You don't forgive someone until they ask You to.

But You're always ready and waiting, so that's what i'll be. i guess this is just another matter of patience, faith, hope, and love. i have to wait for her, some more.

Well, she's been patient with me, before. She only waited a few months before secretly ending the relationship, but i will not make the same mistakes she did. Maybe this is a test for me. Maybe this is a test, to see how much i love her.

i've studied, God. i'm ready for this one. It's going to require a little heaven on earth, in the form of divine patience on my part, but i know that You will enable me to do it.

It makes sense that this would be a test. That will probably be my foremost thought for awhile. i wish i could know if my inductive reasoning is worth putting faith in, in these kinds of situations.

So i've professed to Love Llaura, and now You're going to use this whole thing to call me on it. This is to see that i wasn't bluffing when i said "forever." This is my Isaac.

It was never recorded, but i think Abraham asked (in his own mind, of course), "Why in the world would God ask me to sacrifice my own son?! Lord, You gave him to me, and now you're asking me to kill him?!" But You didn't kill him. Your angel stopped Abraham before any damage had been done. That was a test of Abraham's faith, and he passed. i want to pass, too.

i will pass.

i guess i feel betrayed by You as well, God, but that feeling will hopefully fade as i get to know You better. Already, the thought of You betraying me goes completely against my theology.

Please help me transfer my theology from my head, to my heart, to my life.

Amen.

who am i, that You listen?

Father, you know that I am learning to Love you with my life. my feelings change often... i feel bad about that. i'm feeling some of that religious obligation creeping in, and to be honest, right now i am feeling comfortable with my concept of You.

i don't want that. please challenge and stretch me theologically, spiritually, and teach me some new stuff. i want to learn, and i want to live what i learn, and i know You have the wisdom i need and crave so desperately. please grant me that wisdom, in school, in friendships, in telling Your story (thanks for Sadopa!), and in my relationship with Llaura (my romance).

tomorrow is a question mark, and i have alot of worries, but i know You're faithful. please be gracious to me, and bless my feeble efforts. teach me how to work hard. i want to learn that, i really want to learn that, this semester, and for the rest of my life. please grant me a job, so that i can learn to be more independent from other people and more dependent on You, the source of everything i have and enjoy in life.

please work Your miracles in Llaura's life, for Your name's sake and for her sake and for our relationship's sake.

please bless her family, Alissa and Lisa and Dave especially, with some new guidance. please restore their lives, and teach them to live the lives You give them within the context of Your coming kingdom.

please enable me to do well in my classes, especially my theology classes.

please teach me True Llllove.

thank You for what You've done, recently and in the distant past. i know You're the way, God. please prod me when i become complacent. please show me the value of Your words.

please reveal to me whatever it is i need to do next. please give me that next step.

please help me to be patient. i want to be patient, waiting on You and on others.

thank You for listening, and for granting my requests, for giving me everything i need, and for being a God of second chances and ridiculous patience.

amen.

miracles

God,

i guess sometimes Your miracles are like fireworks, and other times they're like glitches in the Matrix. this one was the glitch kind, except when You change stuff it's a good change, like working out a bug in reality. it was pretty subtle. You actually did alot of cool stuff, so it was lots of fixed glitches, but they were hard to see from that train platform. it was very dark.

in a way, it's still very dark. but having come through darkness before, i trust You to lead me out of this valley. i'm really wondering where You're taking me, though. i know it's a green pasture with still waters, but... what was wrong with the green pastures and still waters of yesterday?

i think that's a faithless, disrepectful question, but i have to be honest here, God. i can't pretend i'm genetically holy or something. truthfully: i doubt that what You are leading me into is going to be as good, let alone better, than what i had before. i know You give and take away, but i don't like that You took this away.

and there's that thought that it wasn't You at all, but if it was You who gave it, wasn't it You who took it away? and why can't i have it? why am i so selfish?

i want her to be happy, but i also want what's "fair" for me. i feel like i missed the sermon on this one, but... God, it all feels wrong. i wish i could say i knew it was. all i know right now is that You're in charge, and You don't seem to be helping the situation.

i've been telling people that they can't see God unless they look for Him. i've been looking for good signs, and i don't see any. i'm looking really hard.

this is what's happening: Llaura is totally shutting me out. she won't be honest, or open, and even though she says she trusts me, she won't tell me what You've been up to in her life. i know that that's the most important factor, here. why won't she tell me? just because she isn't close to me doesn't mean i'm far from her. and i never betrayed her trust, in any way, so that's not the reason, but... God, it hurt so much to hear that she wasn't comfortable sharing it.

she made the choice to give up. God, what are You doing???

thanks for the entire Vanguard experience. i love it here.

i am waiting, God. i am still waiting for You. but how can i know that You're in control of the situation? how can i know that You'll lead us back together? what will happen if You don't? am i supposed to live with this pain forever? are You going to keep that spider strand from breaking, only to let me roast over that lake of fire?

i am so faithless, God. i don't think i even have that mustard seed. all i have is this feeble, human, mortal hope that she'll come back, that she'll change her mind. i don't know what to feel or think or say or do. help me. please.

amen.